tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20600034924123202902012-01-14T01:08:07.867-07:00DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER: Out of the shadows and into the lightIvoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.comBlogger2041100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-19657880944526359602012-01-12T18:34:00.001-07:002012-01-12T18:34:18.199-07:00

I've been where you are. Left scratches upon the wall. Sometimes, I'm there still. I've been there with no hope. High atop that slippery slope, Fallen deep into the black abyss And lived. Ivory

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-12483432980352731932011-12-31T21:17:00.000-07:002011-12-31T21:17:32.465-07:00

I didn't expect to feel lost or lonely this Christmas. I did though. my daughter was here with her husband, but I really still felt very alone. I was invited to Christmas eve get together with my family, I didn't go because I had family of my own here. things were fine and then, Christmas afternoon I invited my mother over for Christmas dinner. Oddly enough, having her here made me feel all

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-60904346756628963202011-12-18T10:19:00.000-07:002011-12-18T10:19:07.893-07:00

I wanted to read about my friends here and now I realize that it may be too painful for me right now. I have intentionally not come here, to my blog, to put pain on paper and then, I had a little epiphany, of sorts - it doesn't have to be pain. This time of year is always so hard for me. I hate Christmas. It wasn't always this way. When I was a little girl my family's Christmas began at least 10

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-3990805279885408072011-11-05T21:39:00.000-06:002011-11-05T21:39:01.095-06:00

Life goes along and then bump. Well, actually it's not a bump, but a mountain. And the mountain is alive and coming after me. Finding a working relationship with my birth daughter was moving along as if we'd never been separated. My other daughter has been an absolute angel and loves the idea of a sister. Then, because my birth daughter had adopted some special needs children, she is now

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-22716288729626501182011-10-03T00:02:00.000-06:002011-10-03T00:02:58.795-06:00

I planted some grass (lawn) about 2 weeks ago. The weeds came up first. Just when I was about to give up hope, the bare gound (other than the weeds) turned a shimmering green. I still couldn't see the grass blades, just a haze of green. The next morning, each blade was standing tall and easy to see in the early morning sunlight. It was just that fast; just that miraculous; just that wonderful.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-42519808903479079692011-09-10T18:04:00.000-06:002011-09-10T18:04:38.772-06:00

This is kind of an off the wall post / thought, but: Do any of you remember in grade school how your teacher(s) told you that "we" use the word "man" when the subject is both men and women or unknown? I do. I remember it vividly because even at the age of 8 or 9, I demanded my own identity - not the watered down version of "general public." I remember asking my fourth grade teacher why she said

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-76083263900862607102011-07-30T21:22:00.000-06:002011-07-30T21:22:18.174-06:00

I have been away for a couple of weeks - tired and beaten - physically and mentally. I barely get a moment to myself. Thanks to those who gave me support on my last post. I am still smoldering at the thot of being in the same room with a pedophile. Seriously, I can't seem to get over it. Even tho Mr.S says it's not about me (and I understand that), I think I'm so upset because I'd rather be able

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-58390102893913132672011-07-22T22:59:00.000-06:002011-07-22T22:59:04.000-06:00

I do "intake" for a certain agency. That means I must "interview" many people. I have interviewed a certain gentleman several times. This week, however, when I walked into the lobby and called his number, a woman stood and walked toward me. I'd never seen her before, but her name was actually on the application, so I wasn't too surprised. What happened in that interview room was awful - awful

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-43193488308463110502011-07-10T22:12:00.001-06:002011-07-10T22:14:29.698-06:00

You know, I remember when I was young(er) and was trying to help my mother care for my father. She was in the process of filling Dad's pill boxes and I asked her how many pills he took daily. I don't remember, exactly, it must have been 7 or  8 and I thot, "Wow," I hope I never have to take that many. Well, I don't take that many, but my Dr. gave me another daily pill last Friday. Now, I take 6.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-15075349553788606962011-06-25T11:38:00.000-06:002011-06-25T11:38:03.177-06:00

I haven't heard from my Dr. about the results of the CAT scan, so I'm thinking there was nothing abnormal going on. With the new meds my Dr. gave me last Friday, it took until last Sunday (the 19th) for my head to stop hurting, but the pain returned every day since then.  I was headache free most of Thursday afternoon and most of Friday. It was so nice, but I woke up this morning with a brand new

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-82098715068700793072011-06-22T23:37:00.000-06:002011-06-22T23:37:36.263-06:00

Home Again, Safe At Last -- That is a quote in the children's book, The Berenstain Bears and the Spooky Old Tree. I used to read that book to my daughter and would hold her tight while we read it and I'd tell her she was safe - not to worry or be afraid. There was always a sigh of relief when I would read those words to her. Until now, I didn't fully understand that huge shaky sigh. This

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-17916801981754316242011-06-12T00:26:00.000-06:002011-06-12T00:26:51.851-06:00

Last weekend, I was invited to join my mother and my sister and her husband for lunch on Saturday. I haven't done that for 6 years. It felt good being invited, but left me feeling shaky and nervous. I joined them at the restaurant - the first moments were - awkward. My stomach was in knots so I ordered something light and then sucked down my large diet Pepsi like my insides were on fire.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-29826086456251368402011-06-05T10:26:00.001-06:002011-06-12T00:00:05.088-06:00

One of my favorite quotes from Six Days Seven Nights is "If you don't bring it here, you won't find it here," says Quinn (Harrison Ford) to Robin (Anne Heche) when she makes the comment that people come to the island to find romance. The process of healing is like that. There is no quick fix, and absolutely no one can spur it on; you are the catalist, it is up to you. No one can give you

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-89377828100779556482011-05-28T10:43:00.000-06:002011-05-28T10:43:17.815-06:00

Just to let you know that if I stop posting, it's because my blog is trying to disappear. I'm having loads of problems trying to login.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-56745233741655668332011-05-23T07:14:00.001-06:002011-05-23T07:14:57.612-06:00

I bet all of you understand how I can go along, everything smooth, nothing twisting my emotions around - normal, sort of . Well it's not normal now. For the last 3 weeks I've not been feeling well - allergies made me get a sinus infection and laryngitis and then it all tried to engage my asthma. You get the point. So anyway, work has been yucky, too. No surprise there. AND my job application got

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-85730486023607499522011-05-16T23:34:00.000-06:002011-05-16T23:34:33.596-06:00

Okay, you all are the only people I can talk to about this, well, or about anything, actually. Anyway, I need some advice. Coworker, has major issues and doesn't hesitate to use "illnesses" card at work to avoid having to actually DO work. Her space looks like a living room and she rearranges the grandkids pictures at least 3 times a week. She, like all the other members of my unit, is "

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-59301067479444559202011-05-06T22:38:00.000-06:002011-05-06T22:38:27.585-06:00

Okay, this just happened over the past few weeks. I waited to write about it so I could give the whole story. So, Coworker, who is constantly competing with me has outdone herself again. Honestly, I just go about my life and, one day, I realize Coworker has been competing with me or tring to be the same as me. It's silly to me, but then, that's part of her problem with OCD. I really should be

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-26688100683133387142011-04-30T11:11:00.003-06:002011-04-30T11:17:14.872-06:00

My niece just had a baby. Now that the family is trying to act like a family and including me in some things again, my niece (Niece), texted me the baby's photo just hours after her birth. I don't usually think babies are even remotely cute, let alone beautiful, but Baby is beautiful. (even with her little cone head that she wears proudly to show her strength and determination of coming into the

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-70765696064219757572011-04-22T13:30:00.002-06:002011-04-23T10:27:32.392-06:00

I am having problems with feeling secure and mondo issues trusting this week. Here's why: My neighbor texted me to let me know there was another job opening where he works. I looked it up: OMG! $800 a month more than what I make now! No brainer, I'm going to apply. Okay, that can make me a little shaky. Change I don't mind unless it's a life-type of change. To make it all more intense, a

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-48058173518881866192011-04-10T00:42:00.000-06:002011-04-10T00:42:42.134-06:00

I'm also so stupid; so upset; and so not able to sleep tonight. My granddaughter came to spend the weekend from out of town. My daughter, her aunt, came to spend the weekend, too, so we could all enjoy the visit. It was nice. Wondering what went wrong? Nothing, exactly, except my predictable nature. My mother doesn't like me much and doesn't even ask about my daughters or their families

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-69185196112958693902011-04-05T07:47:00.000-06:002011-04-05T07:47:23.265-06:00

Update:  I had a session yesterday. I tried to explain the chaos I talked about in my last post. He kept telling me (basically) that it is normal. He said even he has times when he can't concentrate on what's going on in the present. I didn't want to keep contradicting him, so I just listened after a minute. Sometimes, I can say only a few words and be understood by everyone, other times, I can

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-70265652330203708272011-04-03T12:12:00.000-06:002011-04-03T12:12:23.152-06:00

During the last 6 years while in therapy, I have traveled several paths, taken steps along the way that moved me sideways and backwards, and made me tripp and fall. However, I have realized that in my desire to become whole, travel the "right" road, and/or "be all everyone wanted me to be", that I am very much - only me. Just recently, I have found that I have always been okay with who I am, but

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-46479905045378326342011-03-26T08:51:00.001-06:002011-03-27T21:13:31.554-06:00

That's what T said to me 5 weeks ago at my first "adjusted" session, "That's enough about work, what about you?" Okay, first, my usual sessions were Mondays at 4 p.m. The first adjusted session was that day on a Saturday afternoon (I don't even remember the time). I had just spent nearly an hour talking about Coworker (read about her here. And here). Things with her are forever repeating. That

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-21460025380771123172011-03-12T21:29:00.001-07:002011-03-12T21:31:04.348-07:00

Two weeks ago, at my last therapy session, Mr.S "talked" me into my White Place (what I call it). As a  memory refresher:  I close my eyes, keep an open mind, and Mr.S helps me find that safe, serene place we all have within us. His words and voice help me stay focused as (in my mind) I search for that special place. Once there, I find acceptance and love. When I've soaked up enough of it, he

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-9408567067803972602011-03-06T09:30:00.000-07:002011-03-06T09:30:28.733-07:00

I've gone thru this week like a Muppet, one with a large monogram on the front of my shirt that says, "Ivory's not home." While at work, I've been an "efficient" muppet, so efficient I'm almost caught up (no one ever gets caught up). My laser beam focus kicked in on Monday morning and didn't fade until sometime Friday evening. It wore me out. Yesterday, I did nothing except World of Warcraft

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-48548306677092231912011-02-27T00:14:00.002-07:002011-02-27T00:15:36.968-07:00

You know, there are times when no one can calm my emotions, stay my fears, or help me find my way - not even me. Especially not me. Today, I'm simply lost; lost in the Rainbow of my emotions, afraid of the true color of my heart, and there is not one to point the way forward. Today, I simply hate me, hate who I am, who I have become. There was a time I can remember I thot I could be anything I

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-30627461875052523852011-02-19T22:57:00.000-07:002011-02-19T22:57:16.342-07:00

Gaaawwwddd! I get lock jaw everytime I get into therapy lately. It makes me feel like a wimp, once I leave. That little session room used to feel so safe, so comfortable, and so welcoming. I don't know where it all went. Mr.S reassured me (again) that our sessions will continue, just in a different place, actually a different town. Can it get any worse? All his familiar things, banged, bumped,

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-85383014836161978662011-02-15T07:29:00.000-07:002011-02-15T07:29:41.936-07:00

I'm not with it. I didn't realize until just now that it's been 7 days since I last posted. I'm ususally very excited to post. I needed to talk to Mr.S this week. Of course, I couldn't. He's not even in town right now. I emailed him last week and he suggested seeing him last Saturday, but I had plans to spend Saturday with my daughter. So, unless I wanted to cancel those plans, I'm out. I knew

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-49702106120246871262011-02-07T22:23:00.000-07:002011-02-07T22:23:34.461-07:00

I went to my session on Saturday. I'm not sure I feel any better. Mr.S told me that he has taken the job with the State. [He'd be crazy not to take it.] I pretty much knew that when he called to change my appointment to Saturday. He assured me that for now, nothing would change for me. I will still get to talk to my therapist, I can still call his phone or email him. But... Things feel so

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-2500769976290159042011-02-05T14:43:00.008-07:002011-02-05T22:51:00.778-07:00

T called this morning and asked to see me this afternoon, instead of our appt time of this coming Monday. It has rattled me good. He has probably gotten the job out of town and is supposed to be going to training next week. I've been considering this announcement for the last 5 years. It upsets me to think of this change in my life, my therapy, my therapist. What has been rattling around in my

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-59599799188957804722011-01-28T23:21:00.000-07:002011-01-28T23:21:01.361-07:00

I have come to believe that DID can present some situations that can be down right amusing, I call these situations Mind Toys. I love mind toys. If you have read many of my posts, you know that I have this crazy coworker. I have found a way to get thru the day with her on my back, in my face, and her constant unwanted opinions/advise. Here are a few of my coworker's worst/best behaviors: If I

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-27225987333734921712011-01-24T23:13:00.001-07:002011-01-24T23:13:26.479-07:00

I went to my session this afternoon. Numb. I was numb. What didn't feel right is that I was numb. Darn it. I was so apprensive about going, my stomach was topsy-turvey all day to the point of throwing up, and I chewed my fingernail to bleeding (I only allow myself to chew one in times of great distress), and I ate a candybar. I'm not even a comfort eater, but there I was. I left work early. I

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-54796008980747834372011-01-16T21:38:00.000-07:002011-01-16T21:38:54.473-07:00

I can't make up my mind about whether to go to my next session. It's not till the 24th. I get to muddle thru all by myself until then. Up until my therapist's announcement a few weeks ago, I was okay with every other week, now, I could go every day. I don't want to go at all anymore, tho. So here's what I'm dealing with in the mean-time, between sessions Work is my only other "social"

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-12939250141773316272011-01-12T07:47:00.000-07:002011-01-12T07:47:50.679-07:00

Last time: He told me that he is probably leaving his practice and will be working for a large agency about 50 miles away. Oh, he promised that he will still be able to see me, but...  In that tiny moment of silence between when Mr.S told me his new plans, and when I began to shut down, Mr.S began to speak quickly as if to stave off the inevitable implosion he knew was next. He felt the need

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-67640569523407084002011-01-10T21:53:00.000-07:002011-01-10T21:53:04.348-07:00

Ya know, just when I say something wonderfully insightful and positive, I get the rug pulled out from under me.   :'( My last post, Better Therapy, Better Living is now MOOT.  I meant everything I said, but I hadn't had enough time to grow into it. I went to my session this afternoon and I had all the things I wanted to say in my head (because I forgot my sticky note list) and I managed to say

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-87671667389884024262011-01-09T09:03:00.002-07:002011-03-06T10:09:53.741-07:00

Of all the comments I've received on ALL the posts I've written, I believe those on my last post, Made It Thru Another Year, have had the biggest impact on helping me understand my situation with dissociative identity disorder. Since beginning therapy six years ago, everything has been focused on "healing". What exactly is that? Healing is too broad a term for me. I can't define it enough to "

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-89051539436075519842011-01-02T11:03:00.000-07:002011-01-02T11:03:19.483-07:00

I'm dressed in sweats, sitting in bed, just finished breakfast and now I'm surfing the net. From my bedroom window I can see smoke coming from my neighbor's heating vent, and further to the west, thick dark gray clouds bumping and pushing their way east. Great. I made it past New Years Eve - alone, because of a blizzard. Just the day before that it was 50 degrees. It all seems so normal,

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-14881946211010554322010-12-28T20:00:00.000-07:002010-12-28T20:00:53.130-07:00

Well, this is another one of those posts where I, ummm, sort of say, "Bless me T, for I have sinned." Well, I haven't sinned, I just didn't say the things I should have said in my therapy session yesterday, so, I've pretty much wasted my money. What I didn't say:     1) After coming home from my brother's house on Christmas Eve, I not only cried myself to sleep, I silently wished I'd never

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-19698049506427318902010-12-26T18:56:00.000-07:002010-12-26T18:56:57.184-07:00

I didn't want to go to my families for Christmas Eve, but I couldn't say "no" and I had no where else to go. In the end, I just wanted Christmas Eve to be over with. I was determined not to "step on any toes", stick my foot in my mouth, or get in the way physically. I sat a bit away from everyone else (there were 27 people/5 tables) and didn't share any political or religious views. The only

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-16996142253273196242010-12-17T23:33:00.000-07:002010-12-17T23:33:02.782-07:00

Have you ever had a person in your life, that you care about who always begins a conversation with, "Okay, if I talk about [this], you can't say [that], cause I already know what you're thinking and I don't want to hear it, okay? deal?" or... "Can I say something?" [yes] "I know it will make you mad at me, but I don't care, but don't think it the bad way, okay? And if you get upset with me just

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-44468270296828175192010-12-09T23:31:00.000-07:002010-12-09T23:31:49.174-07:00

I want to throw up  :( In a few days, my new daughter will have a birthday. For over 30 years, I've learned to hate December along with everything it stands for. My arms ached to hold her. December has brought on the emptiness and loneliness that tears at my heart and makes the world a horrible place to be. Since finding her, I've had mondo issues trying to come to the realization that she is

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-53095990742891194172010-12-05T11:14:00.003-07:002010-12-05T11:15:31.887-07:00

The last two sentences in a book by Joseph Telushkin, about Jewish belief read: "Jewish teachings insist that every innocent human life is of infinite value. Hence, the murder of one innocent person is the ultimate evil; the murder of ten more innocents increases the magnitude, not the evil." The book An Eye For An Eye is listed under Fiction, but what is written about Jewish law might well be

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-65791070078751313732010-12-04T00:33:00.001-07:002010-12-05T00:34:12.654-07:00

What do you have when you mix the mentality of Karl Marx and the US Government?  You get TSA airport screening (at least in Denver), and pat downs, otherwise known as legalized sexual abuse. In recent years, I've been happy that business are becoming of the social interactions between employees and are becoming more aware to the injustice of actions/sexual harrassment that can occur. Oh, wait.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-84209363252997137642010-11-28T11:16:00.001-07:002010-11-28T11:16:54.079-07:00

I recently watched an Oprah show with 200 sexually abused men. On that episode, Oprah quoted someone who was on an earlier show. In that one statement, I found great healing: "Forgiveness means letting go of the hope that my past could have been any different." I've spent about 2 weeks letting that sentence roll around in my mind. It means something to me. It spoke to me in a way that nothing

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-10183626081407021642010-11-25T23:08:00.001-07:002010-11-26T08:07:04.854-07:00

* Note: I've recently changed some things about my blog so if you are no longer linked and want to be, you will have to reestablish the link. Just click on the FOLLOW tab. ** For the first time in 6 years, I joined my whole family for Thanksgiving dinner. I felt as if I spent the day in a foreign country, or on another planet. Usually, when I have a DID moment - it's only a moment. Coming out

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-79483458543725580892010-11-18T18:05:00.000-07:002010-11-18T18:05:30.832-07:00

Like the first few lines of the chorus of Kelly Clarkson's, Because of You, I can't seem to let go of my therapist, Mr.S. Here are the lines: Because of you I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side So I don't get hurt Because of you... ...I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out... The rest of the song obviously doesn't

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-50036445779860539342010-11-14T21:35:00.000-07:002010-11-14T21:35:26.394-07:00

How much "healing" do we need? Seriously. I've asked before. I need to know. It seems the more I try to heal, the worse everything is, so, again, here is my own personal outlook. When I was younger (well, not too much younger) things were fine. I had what I thought was normal life issues and problems and then, one day, I realized that I was different. That set into motion the making of the

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-77161400620931665112010-11-10T07:30:00.000-07:002010-11-10T07:30:12.628-07:00

My mother has again asked me to type up her Christmas letter. She doesn't like to "bother" the others. Also, they don't do it as well as I do.  :) Anyway, my point is while typing it up from her notes, I found myself trying to change the grammar and verbiage so it doesn't always read, "…is going to school and liking it." Lame. My mother has 11 grandkids and 13 great grandkids - several of them

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-58777383825103847872010-11-06T10:29:00.001-06:002010-11-06T10:30:38.499-06:00

Castorgirl at http://www.scatteredpieces.org/2010/11/the-passenger/ has written about how she sees herself, how she feels. I am impressed and saddened by her revelation. CG addresses the emotional dichotomy we all feel after being in the grip of abusers. Life suddenly becomes a dual universe for us. bad/good  (i.e. I'm bad, everyone else is good, etc) weak/strong stupid/smart sad/happy ugly/

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-56749432027304829552010-11-03T18:58:00.002-06:002010-11-04T05:09:26.837-06:00

I just read a post by Hope about the anxiety of having angry parts making her feel hopless. It brings to mind - me, several months ago. I have two quotes for anger. The first is: A large part of mankind is angry not with the sins, but with the sinners.                ...Lucius Annaeus Seneca When healing from childhood sexual/ritualistic abuse began about a year ago, I was very angry. So angry

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-43142774802717048792010-10-31T12:10:00.004-06:002010-10-31T12:14:58.650-06:00

My T has asked me several times why I watch "horrible" or "ghastly" or "ghoulish" or, well, just awful movies. I'm drawn to them, but I tell him, "I just like mystery and suspense".  It's true, I do like mystery and suspense like the Die Hard movies, full of suspense - I love it. Or like Seven, The Shining, or Silence of the Lambs and Bourne Identity. Normally, I don't go for bloody movies -

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-39928366106153300752010-10-29T22:08:00.002-06:002010-10-31T11:43:24.907-06:00

Part of suffering from DID and having PTSD means there are triggers - sounds, voices, words, items, events, memories, etc that set off a series of unwanted emotions, feelings, behaviors and events. There's nothing worse than that immediate transport from a walk around the block to a repeat of what caused the DID or PTSD in the first place. Or being totally aware of where I am, yet having the

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-72974776687840630292010-10-21T07:44:00.002-06:002010-10-21T07:46:07.294-06:00

I can't help but ponder some of the posts I keep reading. We all want to have peace, stability and respect from family/friends. So - - why does this not happen? Yesterday, I went to where one of my clients goes to school. She was ready to take a test 2 weeks ago and then lost interest. Science. She hates science (so she ended up telling me). It's my job to help her get past this kind of thing

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-28000665095929135922010-10-17T16:42:00.001-06:002010-10-31T12:16:59.868-06:00

My daughter "M" came and spent the night with me Friday night. I couldn't help but notice the stark difference in appearance between her and my oldes daughter (the one I've just met). "M" is dark. Dark hair, black eyes, high cheek bones and skin the year 'round color of a wonderful tan.  I adopted her as an infant and raised her. "O" has light hair, light blue eyes, and very fair skin - like me

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-84507866181114877392010-10-15T03:23:00.002-06:002010-10-31T12:18:07.470-06:00

I have to be to work at 8 am. It's now 3 am and I'm not very sleepy. Well, that's not entirely true, but I've tried several times to shut my spinning thots down and fall asleep. Not happening. It's taken at least 3 hours for me to realize my problem is that the world has spun itself around and I am now forced to face yet another bitter shot of holidays. I was hoping this Christmas would be

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-88872090186515438742010-10-13T18:31:00.000-06:002010-10-13T18:31:28.310-06:00

I had not really talked to my daughter since she was here a month ago. Then one day, I texted her. We texted all afternoon and by the time I went to bed, I was in tears. She has some emotional issues, that's to be expected, but she has this was of thinking a conversation or issue "through" to the point that I never get to take part. What happens is that she decides what I would do or say, and

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-39931794717540246752010-10-09T20:01:00.000-06:002010-10-09T20:01:23.959-06:00

My mother. You have all read as I've droned on and on about how she doesn't like me, AND I will never know why she doesn't, so in the interest of stopping emotional abuse and child neglect, here is a challenge for some of you (even you guys) to take a look at your own parenting skills. Do you do these things? 1.  When your child cries, do you ridicule? "Oh shut up, that makes me crazy." "Don't

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-82753703487531362352010-10-05T21:12:00.000-06:002010-10-05T21:12:35.716-06:00

My parents weren't trained to "see" abuse they didn't create.  Even if they did notice something different, that doesn't mean they would have checked it out; back then, children were objects of ownership. Children in the 50's/ 60's were merely a result of "stud" ability. We weren't actually humans, not yet, not until we grew a backbone big enough to leave home.  And then, we were the "problem

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-35720937677448022812010-09-26T19:57:00.000-06:002010-09-26T19:57:04.499-06:00

I can't believe I fell for it yet again. After our family meeting, my mother seemed to be trying to be a decent person. She only has problems around me, for some reason. Just days before my daughter came for a visit, things changed. Two days before she got here, my mother was in my car with me and she said, "you know, I was watching you push that cart back and I couldn't help but notice that

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-60711980893177990992010-09-11T09:00:00.000-06:002010-09-11T09:00:45.033-06:00

My daughter and her children came to visit last week. They'd never been here before but it felt like she came home - even to her. It was a stressful weekend because she met my mother as well as the rest of my family. I was glad when no one else was around and we could share some private time. I needed that, she needed that. When my other daughter and I took them to the airport at the end of

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-16502856803078182442010-08-28T23:52:00.000-06:002010-08-28T23:52:37.482-06:00

A few months ago, I received a phone call early in the morning, too early; I was not quite asleep, but not ready to wake up, either. I didn't recognize the phone number. I nearly let it go to voice mail, but something, maybe curiosity, made me sit up and take the call. It was a miracle, or rather a person with information about a miracle. When I was 17 years old, I was date-raped. It resulted

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-34941399273981043232010-07-22T07:39:00.001-06:002010-07-22T07:39:49.339-06:00

Hi all. I've come by to (again) let you all know that I'm okay. I am still trying to remove links to my blog. I'm thinking I'll have to change the name and open up another blog. I'm really not wanting to do this, but, oh, well. Thanks for all your emails, and comments! Ivory

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-14880776601798702572010-07-01T18:43:00.001-06:002010-07-02T21:56:33.581-06:00

Sorry everyone, I'm still here, really. I'm still trying to avoid all links and removing identifying things to this blog. Just the fact that I'm writing this gives me away - probably. I've been so absent, in heart, body, and in mind. Actually, I've been out of the state. I took time off from work, weird feeling. There was so much work to do and I couldn't get caught up before I left. Guess what

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-78271220580644557262010-06-12T11:48:00.000-06:002010-06-12T11:48:01.592-06:00

I haven't been able to write about this. I know I've been going on and on about this family meeting that my mother called. One of the weirdest things to happen during that meeting was that Mom stood up for me, several times. I'm just not used to it. Seriously, she has NEVER done that in such an all consuming capacity. There have been a few times that she said something positive and threw it in

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-56012525351728777952010-06-06T22:36:00.000-06:002010-06-06T22:36:22.327-06:00

Well, the family meeting was last night. The first 20 minutes were okay and then suddenly, everyone was looking at me. Darn. I didn't hold up. I started to cry. BUT. My mother DID stick up for me, she DID talk them down and keep the meeting civil. I came home totally a wreck, tho, and didn't sleep for hours and, well, until this morning some time. I called her this afternoon to get her take on

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-2660782597139822262010-06-02T22:46:00.001-06:002010-10-31T12:22:07.613-06:00

"So you think you have soooo much power and control over other people that you have the right to take responsibility for their actions?" That was what my T asked me one day when I was deep in the hole of self blame. It was like he'd slapped me. I was mad at him for being so cruel. I hated him for making me feel "less", some how. I told him he wasn't being fair. Somewhere in the months after

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-59094119845819085972010-05-30T09:24:00.000-06:002010-05-30T09:24:22.241-06:00

Just letting you all know that all is benign and okay. I didn't realize, tho, that I would be feeling so icky for so long. I thot I'd be ready to rock and roll by today and eeuuuwww. I just want to sleep.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-54494987679463099462010-05-28T10:09:00.000-06:002010-05-28T10:09:28.308-06:00

I've been having a bad week. I had minor surgery. Was a breast cancer scare but now the Dr. says she has never seen cancer in that way altho it can happen. I will know sometime today what the results are. I don't want to go into details, but I will be home now until next Tuesday, so I'm hoping to get caught up on other things, like reading all my favorite blogs! Know all that I have not been

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-91814382458797007892010-05-23T20:22:00.000-06:002010-05-23T20:22:16.134-06:00

This week end has been one of the quietest I've had in months. I put some sealer on my deck and did laundry. Nothing new. Nothing out of the ordinary. Gosh, I've forgotten how solitude can heal the heart. But heavy my heart is, non the less. I have a little who has been playing games with me and who will be the topic at tomorrow's therapy session. You know, I can't seem to watch TV a day

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-24379306087400252722010-05-19T19:35:00.000-06:002010-05-19T19:35:48.953-06:00

Michael: Houston has not yet found a solution! Well, at least the weeds are dying!!  Yippie! **** The thing with my mother is still looming over me like a big bad bubble of gas. She was hyped up and excited on the phone when she told me that she was going to hold a family meeting.  Lord, put me in a coma till it's over. When I asked her why the meeting, she said because she's sick and tired

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-53036326561919989592010-05-16T06:19:00.002-06:002010-10-31T12:26:33.666-06:00

Last week, I sprayed the rock area of my yard with RoundUp Extended Care. It was supposed to kill the weeds already growing and keep others from growing if they sprouted. There aren't any new weeds but the the "old" ones look like I've fertilized them. Darn it. That RoundUp stuff is NOT CHEAP. Now what? I am still worried I'll be "found out" via this blog. I've taken all the precautions I can,

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-65786707313591624672010-05-12T07:47:00.001-06:002010-10-31T12:27:25.554-06:00

Really? Why are you in therapy? Think about it a minute and then scroll down. [taps toe in carpet, waiting] [stares at ceiling patterns, waiting] So, why are you in therapy? Here's one thing I keep reading on blogs, in psych articles, in books clients write about therapy, etc, etc. There is a common thread that always rears its ugly head. People always end up saying, "[therapist] is

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-33999336775926470592010-05-09T21:35:00.001-06:002010-10-31T12:28:07.040-06:00

Happy Mother's Day everyone! Sorry I've been gone for a month. I've been trying to avoid being found out. It would be devastating. The email that will be showing is different from the one I had before going incognito, otherwise all is the same. Anyway, Happy Mother's Day! Ivory

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-90918516860209422792010-04-21T22:11:00.000-06:002010-04-21T22:11:26.912-06:00

Just letting you all know that I'm taking my blog down for a few weeks. There is nothing wrong, but in the interest of privacy, I must disable my Shades of Ivory blog for awhile. I will still be reading all my favorite blogs and posting if I can. See you all later, Ivory

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-88608397565828533852010-04-13T21:32:00.000-06:002010-04-13T21:32:45.168-06:00

I wanted to put a really great quote here. All I could find was one from Justin Timberlake. It's not really original, but in a way, it is what I want to write about; so here it is, "The best part about being with a group is that you don't have to do everything alone. You're with your friends". I was over at Paul's blog and he has shared a great exercise he did while in a group session. Groups

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-70226363580029219872010-04-08T19:15:00.002-06:002010-04-26T06:14:09.924-06:00

Since I was going to be alone for Easter, I had to psych myself up for it so I wouldn't get so depressed. I could have had a pity party (I've done that before), or I could do something constructive. So, here's what I did with my 3-day isolation holiday. The agency where I work gave us Good Friday off, so on Thursday evening, I decided to watch a movie. I picked Alien, with Sigourney Weaver. On

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-70887619928575835612010-04-03T07:57:00.001-06:002010-04-26T06:14:46.030-06:00

Just wanted to stop in and let all of you know that I'm wishing you all a Happy Easter. I know that some of you are with family already and trying to "hang in there". Some of you are planning on going to your FOO or inlaws, and some of you will be alone. I have been invited to go to my daughter's inlaws but they are too far away and I have to work on Monday (I had Friday off) and I have been

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-18471954051479174402010-03-29T21:29:00.004-06:002010-10-31T12:30:42.035-06:00

The wind was blowing today. The house I bought in November has trees - large, old trees that have been trimmed back so that they have grown tall and wispy. Their bare (small budded) branches swayed like lazy ocean waves ebbing and flowing. I sat on the couch (a new set all soft and cushy) and just listened to the small sounds and watching the trees move. I couldn't help but be in another day and

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-55216325183983825912010-03-26T16:48:00.002-06:002010-04-26T06:15:37.920-06:00

Trigger warning! In this post, there is mention of those sharp utensiles we use to cut veggies with, well, cut meat with. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After reading a few other posts last week, I realized something that has managed to keep me in the shadows of my own life. One of my most debilitating fears is that someone "see" me become a 7 or 9 year old. I often freeze, stutter, or just plain

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-46120458057040652542010-03-23T06:57:00.001-06:002010-04-26T06:16:03.190-06:00

RE: Training My Therapist Okay, I feel like a putz. I just misunderstood what my T meant. Here's why he said that it's harder/worse for a male to be abused/raped: When we were talking, I (of course) was comparing things to how I felt when it happened to me. I was using the "act" as a focal point to define everything else, so naturally, that is a horrible thing. My therapist was thinking of the

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-77433991427329818312010-03-20T16:47:00.001-06:002010-04-26T06:16:20.283-06:00

Okay, you all have heard, post after post, about me bragging that my therapist is so wonderful. Well, he is, but he made a statement recently that invalidates me and my past so completely that I cannot wait until next week to bring it up. Two weeks ago in my session, I gave him a heads up about a friend of mine who shared with me that her ex molested their sons and at least one of her daughters.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-39610201951052968142010-03-17T17:40:00.004-06:002010-04-26T06:16:49.314-06:00

Relationships with family are one of the most difficult hurdles for some one to cope with when a person has DID, especially when there are no personal/familial boundaries in place to provide safety. My mother must have been raised w/o any boundaries at all to have completely allowed the lack of boundaries in our family. In fact, for my siblings, the most fun of a family get-together is to find

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-46297190524946184472010-03-10T19:08:00.002-07:002010-10-31T12:32:26.113-06:00

The year I began 8th grade, the small country school I attended implemented a program whereby they decided to branch out and offer French, instead of Spanish, Home Ec was offered to boys, and the library was moved and enlarged by at least three times. I loved the library, hated boys in Home Ec, and had never before heard French spoken. I spent the first 6 weeks in shock. I grew up learning to

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-37089275516982080452010-03-06T17:49:00.000-07:002010-03-06T17:49:52.442-07:00

As a child, I was not encouraged to show any type of emotion, unless it was happy. Even then, the expression of it had to be my mother's way. I've often wondered if my father knew Mom is so controlling. He wasn't that way, he was fun, but he rarely argued with her about how she treated us. They argued about everything else, tho. Which is part of the purpose of this entry. I can't seem to find

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-67611929286415730452010-03-04T07:18:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:18:11.451-06:00

Well, my performance review was yesterday. They (supervisor and lead worker) didn't even count the 'issue' that brought on setting a date for my review. The arguement happened outside the performance dates - but it will be on next years review. Oh great. They didn't even bring it up. I was brave. Navy brought it up! We weren't going to let them get away with slamming me and walking away. This is

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-79364116239281346072010-03-01T23:00:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:18:33.913-06:00

Last week, I'm not sure which day, I called my T. I just couldn't go one more day being harrassed at work and not knowing if I was going to get fired over it. My nerves were shot, I cried all day (off and on) and I just couldn't keep going. My T was busy. We didn't talk long, but then I had called him earlier in the week - I think twice. Our conversations weren't long. He was not feeling well.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-4167741767157840982010-02-25T17:46:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:23:32.391-06:00

I've lost a lot of time the last few days... Everything in my life has been kicked around lately. On top of CoWorker Woes, I now have a Lead Worker on my case. Well, and now she has the supervisor on my case as well. It all started when they hired me a couple of years ago... I responded to a job advertised via our local 'Unemployment Dept' (for lack of real word and for anonymity). I was

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-45179110285956092212010-02-21T11:35:00.006-07:002010-10-31T12:35:14.540-06:00

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Gone. Lost. Sometimes, when I feel like this and don't know why, I do a word game that ferrets out the reason making me so glum. I actually sort of made it up not long ago to help my daughter thru some of her feelings about her father at the time when he divorced me and tried to have me committed. She loved him very much but was so conflicted about his behavior, so

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-57279314603913950242010-02-20T17:37:00.003-07:002010-04-26T06:24:37.550-06:00

Okay, I need some advice about a coworker. "Jane" is supposed to be training me. My supervisor has told me I'm to know everything 'she' knows. Not going to happen. Within a month of starting this job, Jane told me if I thot there would be training, I'd better think again. This isn't the type of workplace that is slow, nor is there much time for training. 'Jane' has set me up several times to

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-6995869547298523112010-02-15T10:17:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:25:13.759-06:00

Last week, I wrote about a particular memory that blasted its way into my thoughts. So far, of all the memories I've gotten back, that one is by far the most troublesome because of the physical response to it. It left me with only a single remaining snapshot snippit of memory and I cannot get it out of my thoughts. It won't be seen, yet won't be ignored. Remember that little song, "Oh where, oh

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-22543297985137485352010-02-12T18:07:00.001-07:002010-10-31T12:36:36.618-06:00

I don't understand my co worker who is supposed to be training me, but leaves out just enough information so she can swoop in and 'save the day'. Makes me want to gag. She's getting frustrated because I am a good self-starter and have found ways to bypass her and get the info other places. She was the only one of our kind in the office until I came along... with a degree. She is afraid to be

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-90707946002152681942010-02-09T17:30:00.004-07:002010-10-31T13:15:55.484-06:00

Think about this statement: In any relationship, the person who cares the least, has the most power. In most relationships, power is an issue, especially with some people who depend on power to boost egos or reign over other people. Do you really understand the statement above? If not, I'll try to explain it succinctly. Two people in a room, say a dorm room. An agreement made before the union

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-10957840563876060732010-02-06T09:43:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:26:22.174-06:00

Yesterday, I called my mother and invited her to supper. She seemed excited to go along, so I picked her up after leaving work. We went to a wonderful little restaurant that has been there since I was a child. It has a comfortable, warm atmosphere. I enjoyed my time with her, which is unusual. She usually finds a way to insult me, belittle me, or just ignore me. What I'm trying to get at, tho,

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-35724749948365797762010-02-03T07:38:00.002-07:002010-06-28T22:29:45.420-06:00

I just had a thought. Over at Self-ish, Michael posts that he lost time drawing and oil painting. Often, when I am at my best, doing my best and being very productive in a creative way, I lose time and can't remember it. It is very frustrating that a part of me can create what I only dream of doing. For instance, Blue (age 17) is great at writing scary poems. I've lost a notebook full of poems

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-70424711046969554132010-01-30T17:52:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:28:36.799-06:00

You know, finding out just who I am is truly an adventure. People say that all the time, "I need to find myself."  Although I haven't set out to do that, it's what I've been discovering recently. I realized it this afternoon as I ate a Bologna and cheese sandwich - well half of one; the other half was just cheese. When I was little, my mother filled my plate using her adult hunger as a guide to

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-7431962902238751302010-01-23T09:21:00.002-07:002010-04-26T06:29:04.107-06:00

Well, at my last session, my T gave me and assignment. He's never done that before. After the session before that, I emailed him and tried to cancel this appointment. I told him I was on information overload and would skip a week (I could use the money elsewhere, anyway). As he usually does when I try to withdraw, he told me he'd leave my appt time open and I could come in if I changed my mind.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-9028566261314482372010-01-16T08:39:00.004-07:002010-10-31T13:19:09.301-06:00

Sometimes, I learn about something "I" did while in therapy, that I don't remember because it was really an alter. But knowing that they are all me, and I, them, does not help the weirdness feeling that washes over me when T tells me those things. It's like the Twilight Zone. The example I'm thinking of is when T told me that Pink was signing to him, trying to spell what she wanted to say. What

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-88326139732193797982010-01-10T21:56:00.001-07:002010-04-26T06:29:51.345-06:00

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm tongue-tied already and fretting about it. I can't seem to get past it. I know that once I get there, (hopefully) I will be okay, but the stress will interfere with tomorrows work. Darn. Yesterday, I wrote a short story about my brother and then, today, my mother called and we went together to get some ice cream and talk. That's too much family stuff, too many

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-35924285810816142542010-01-05T21:18:00.003-07:002010-10-31T13:20:02.699-06:00

I just needed to tell all of you who responded a while back on my post, Perfect Strangers - many thanks for the good advice. Lately, I have been experiencing having a lot of trouble being able to talk business when I go to my therapist's office. I've been tongue-tied and don't know why! It's been very frustrating knowing I'm paying that much per hour to sit there and stress over my own silence.

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2060003492412320290.post-34046684624275030142010-01-02T20:11:00.003-07:002010-10-31T13:29:39.854-06:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 84; he died 4 years ago. He was my hero in so many ways. He was the only one of my family who I felt loved by. He had a hard life in that he grew up on a farm being abused by his father - verbally and physically when his dad wanted to beat someone up. He joined the army when he was 19 (WW II) and spent his whole life proud of it, as am I. I want so

Ivoryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17122228318145059888noreply@blogger.com10