I have not written for a little over a year.
Maybe it's because I don't need the journaling any longer. I have returned from time to time to read posts that some others have written on their blogs, but for the most part, I was healing, or moving on, and felt held back by the emotion of the continuity of information I was experiencing.
There was also the blogger who was, in my opinion, feigning, severe illness (other than DID). I reached out to her and discovered she was not honest. It shook my trust in the little community I had been so welcomed into. I became afraid to put myself out there. I worried about you all who were sharing truths.
Having said all that, I still need Shades Of Ivory, the Blog. I still am drawn to come here, to be here, to say here what society does not yet allow me to say anywhere else.
No matter who I become or I do for a living, I will always be Ivory because in my "birth" world, I am a wallflower, the one who doesn't take part, who doesn't speak often, she who was abused and forgotten. In my adopted world, I am the person I've always wanted to be. I have finally realized that the conflict in my life lies within the tiny space of my mind of real and unreal.
And it is in that space/place where Ivory and her Shades were born and where all of them live. They can entertain either side and when they choose to, they can bring me along. It's a matter of acceptance on my part because I am one of them, I am not separate.
I will remain. I am all of me. I will be. I am.