Monday, February 16, 2015

Running, and Running, and Just Running

I've gotten very busy in my personal life - which is good, but it also means that I've not had the time to visit my blog.  I've wondered over the years if this would happen if/when I would begin to heal from the trauma of betrayal and subsequent divorce and the overload of memories from my childhood that seemed to have kicked it all into high gear.

I have healed quite a bit from the divorce. Being married for 32 years only to have the man of my life send someone to kill me is pretty much the worst betrayal I could have endured. Obviously, she couldn't do it, kill me, that is, but I was so traumatized by everything that had gone on the three months before then, that I couldn't respond or react appropriately. I let it slide. I actually scooped that act up onto the pile of overwhelming emotional upheaval I was already not being able to deal with and hoped it would go away with everything else.

So here I am, eleven years later and just now beginning to work through it all. I need to have an emotional garage sale, if you will. But, just like the rest of my personal belongings, there is baggage that I cannot seem to let go of. Things like a huge heavy box that contains my daughter's stuffed animals - from when she was an infant. She is now 33 years old. I have a junk drawer that has moved to a plastic tub. Not a big one, it's only six inches tall, but it has stuff in it from twenty years ago. Sometimes, I open that tub and I need to touch some of those things, I need to hold them. I need to feel the comfort they provide that I felt back then - before the betrayal and the memories. It's true: Ignorance is bliss. It's also safe. It's a safe place to be.

My alters, my Colors, are more calm, more quiet. We are nearly back to the way it was before the memories began flooding back and certainly more calm than after my ex declared his affair. I like them this way. They don't interfere, only rear-up occasionally.  I try to keep my life calm, thus keeping them calm. It's the least I can do.

I am alone. I am lonely. It has to be this way - but I am once again happy.

I have only one regret: I should have turned in my ex for whining so much that an ex friend of mine offered to "take me out" (her words) for him - and he told her was so grateful she offered because he just didn't know how he was going to live. Honestly, the idiot makes 6 figures - I had no job, he wanted my little $25,000 401K and my half of the house. I should have turned him in, but I was running.

I've run from the betrayal. I've run from the truth of my ex. I've run from the truth about the awful dysfunction of my family. I'm still running from some of the emotional part of it. I've let go of my brothers and sisters, except one, who has come and apologized. The death of my mother has allowed me to finally mourn my father - I miss him terribly. But hopefully, my healing will continue, if healing is what it is. Coping may be what it is. Or maybe, just maybe, it's that I'm just no longer running and I'm allowing myself to breathe.

Everything is different when I take deep cleansing breath instead of choking down gulps of stagnate air.

I hope everyone is doing okay and I hope you all had a wonderful Valentines Day.



Kate said...

Good and healing thoughts to yous.


child of God said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm glad things have slowed down and you can breathe easier.

I'm still praying and praying for you hon. Praying for you to heal and know there is peace and love for you. Praying you will see God, reach out to Him and allow Him to heal you and set you free.

Blessings dear one.