Sunday, July 6, 2014

4th of July

Another holiday spent by myself.  I tried to get my daughter to come down, but I knew she wouldn't - even before I asked.  I never even left the house on Friday. No reason to. I stayed downstairs with my small dog because she was afraid of all the noise. We watched TV.

I have spent the 3-day weekend trying to decipher why everyone I know can set personal boundaries and their family and friends still love them, but when I set boundaries, my family (don't have many friends) all turn on me. My boundaries weren't unreasonable.

I just didn't want to be used as their punching bag and I stood my ground when it came to my mother's dying wish. She wanted to go to my brother's house for the few days she had left. The rest of the family tried to go behind our backs and send her to a facility an hour away from most of us. I didn't let it happen. Now, I'm the "bad guy" in our universe. Wasn't invited to our family reunion, until the only brother who talks to me found out, then he made the other one text me an invite. It was a cold, uninviting invitation: Family reunion 7.10.14 city park.

Most of their behavior is in response to how oddly I respond/react to things, including them. They are not like a normal family and then they tell me that I am "odd".  Most families stand behind each other, lift each other up - not mine.

My family is like a dingo dog family. When one of us (mostly me) is weak or damaged, the others immediately attack to kill. I've seen them do it to each other, too. I've been attacked many times trying to stop the fray. If they see a weak spot, like when I cried because my husband left me, they all began to laugh and tell me it was me who ran him off; I had finally done him a favor; Cry Baby! - and so on. They are not nice people.

Actually, I haven't seen them for 2 years. Just talking to my one brother about them left me in a puddle of tears after he left. I cried for 2 days. I don't miss them - I miss what I thought we had because if I'm on their good side - life is fun and good.

I feel like wasted flesh. Like I'm not worth anything and I know that's how they want me to feel. But that IS how I feel, I just hide it from them. I'm such a blob of conflicting emotions. I can't wait for tomorrow so I can go to work. I'm who I want to be there. Not the person I really am, here.

Hope you all had a good holiday.



child of God said...

Hi Ivory,

Some families are like this and sometimes it is just best to stay away from them and find supportive people to surround yourself with. People who will love you and accept you just the way you are.

Boundaries are good and I say to you good job for setting them and sticking to them even if it does cause issues in your family. I know it is hard and hurtful when people you love turn on you but sometimes you just need to stand strong.

Hon, you are unique and created with a purpose. You are special and loved very deeply by God our Creator.These feeling you have are just like you said, that is how they want you to feel and you are accepting the feelings they are placing on you. You do not have to choose this, you can rebuke it and not accept it.

Still praying for you dear one.

Ivory said...

I'm still out here looking for, and wondering if there is a God. If there is, he is very elusive - even illusive - for me.

child of God said...

God is there. Here are two verses from the Bible that show how to find Him.

Jeremiah 29:13
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

You can find Him in the Bible and also by just looking at His creation.

Praying for you,