Sunday, July 7, 2013

I Came Back, It Doesn't Feel the Same

I've been dealing with my mother's death. Interestingly, it's not her I miss, but my dad. I think I'm finally mourning him, but I miss him like crazy.

I actually cannot find the understanding to my brothers and sisters hatred towards me because Mom died. Seriously, I had nothing to do with it, it was natural causes, yet, there they are, hating me, blaming me. I just don't get it.

Meanwhile, here I am all alone and feeling like EVERYONE hates me, but I know that's not true. The feeling is just as hard to take tho.

Since Mom died a very strange thing has begun to happen. As long as she lived, I would try to "fix" everything she thinks I did wrong - but I was never good enough for her. I could never be "right", or pretty enough, or make her happy enough.

Now that she is gone, that feeling of inadequacy is beginning to drown itself in self respect. Sometimes, there are times of fear of who I am and being found out because of the DID, but aside from acute loneliness, I feel whole and I have a friend. She's married so we don't get together much, but we try to at least talk every week. Life, I hope, is beginning to get better.



child of God said...

Hi Ivory,
Sometimes the healing process takes a long time. I'm glad to hear you have a friend and you are starting to like yourself.

Still praying for you dear girl.

Ivory said...

Thank you, Child of God - for caring. --Ivory

Grace said...