It's been nearly 2 months since my mother died. She was never abusive to me, but she never really liked me - and it showed. I think sometimes she tried, or wanted to like me, or maybe she did like me sometimes, but it never lasted. She always gave me the impression that I owed her the attention I gave her.
That's not the way a child should feel. Ever.
That's exactly how I feel. Only a few years ago, Mom admitted that I was the family "target". She told me I make a good one. Then she laughed.
After that I told my therapist, Mr. S, that when she passed, I would not miss her. But I do. I miss her. Just not the way you would expect. It's taken me the last two months to figure it out.
Because Mom treated me like she would an unwelcome neighbor kid, I was always standing somewhere in the room watching her with my siblings, living (literally) vicariously through their interactions with her, through their laughter, through their love from her. I don't remember ever wishing it were me on her lap or that the hug was mine, or the smile was proud of me - that was just how things were. Me, on the outside, always on the outside, watching.
Because of being DID, there are small ones who now don't know what to do with her absence. We aren't "done". We aren't "finished". We haven't had what we need to grow and mature. And now, there is no chance that it will happen. We will remain unfinished, undone. I don't know how to complete my childhood. There are so many questions. So many that will forever remain un"done".
I realized not long ago that I was not yet finished growing up and I tried so hard to repair all the wrongs between my mother and me - and between my siblings and me. There just wasn't enough time, and now, it's too late.
Interestingly, because of the death of my mother, I am finally able to grieve for my father. He loved me. Back when I was really a 10 year old, we didn't know I would be left alone and undone. I think he would have tried to fix things. I learned so much from him - we just didn't know.
I don't hate her. I wish I did.