Sunday, January 27, 2013

Didn't Think I Would Miss Her

It's been nearly 2 months since my mother died. She was never abusive to me, but she never really liked me - and it showed. I think sometimes she tried, or wanted to like me, or maybe she did like me sometimes, but it never lasted. She always gave me the impression that I owed her the attention I gave her.

That's not the way a child should feel.   Ever.

That's exactly how I feel. Only a few years ago, Mom admitted that I was the family "target". She told me I make a good one. Then she laughed.

After that I told my therapist, Mr. S, that when she passed, I would not miss her. But I do. I miss her. Just not the way you would expect. It's taken me the last two months to figure it out.

Because Mom treated me like she would an unwelcome neighbor kid, I was always standing somewhere in the room watching her with my siblings, living (literally) vicariously through their interactions with her, through their laughter, through their love from her. I don't remember ever wishing it were me on her lap or that the hug was mine, or the smile was proud of me - that was just how things were. Me, on the outside, always on the outside, watching.

Because of being DID, there are small ones who now don't know what to do with her absence. We aren't "done". We aren't "finished". We haven't had what we need to grow and mature. And now, there is no chance that it will happen. We will remain unfinished, undone. I don't know how to complete my childhood. There are so many questions. So many that will forever remain un"done".

I realized not long ago that I was not yet finished growing up and I tried so hard to repair all the wrongs between my mother and me - and between my siblings and me. There just wasn't enough time, and now, it's too late.

Interestingly, because of the death of my mother, I am finally able to grieve for my father. He loved me. Back when I was really a 10 year old, we didn't know I would be left alone and undone. I think he would have tried to fix things. I learned so much from him - we just didn't know.

I don't hate her. I wish I did.

Ivory

7 comments:

Child of God said...

Oh what pain you feel. I'm praying for you.

The is one who loves you and accepts you just as you are and will heal you inside. God. He is willing to be your Father, you just need to turn to Him and seek Him. He is right there just waiting for you.

Your mom and dad may have failed you, but He never will fail you but He will make you complete and heal that deep ache that you have.

Praying,
<><

Just Be Real said...

(((((Ivory)))))

Beauty said...

Your relationship with your mother reminds me so much of the one I had with mine. My mother abused me by not protecting me; other than that, she wasn't outwardly cruel but I always sensed her resentment and dislike of me. What a horrible feeling, huh? Kids can't really process a parent not loving them.

I don't know how I'll feel when my mother dies. I don't have a relationship with her, but like you I have littles who weren't nurtured so they could grow and mature. Of course, even if I still had a relationship with my mother my little wouldn't get the nurturing they need from her. It's never going to happen.

I know your pain, and the added pain of knowing your dad would have fixed things for you if he could.

I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're dealing with.

Kate said...

I am sorry you are going through this. From what you are describing I went through the exact same thing with my mother's death and grief.

I understand that feeling of being unfinished, undone, unhealed, unmothered. While it may be true right now, and while it may be true for some time into your future, it does not have to be true for the rest of your life. It is possible to heal from this, to finish your childhood. Actually it is a lot easier when the parent is dead, in my opinion, and that was true for my life as well.

If you can't believe that others might want to mother you or that you might not ever allow someone else to do that for you, please know that it has happened for me, and it has been such a beautiful thing. I hoped for it, so much, and didn't think it would ever happened.

I think that I have a lot of mothering energy in me. Which I think is kind of hilarious since I never had mothering from my mother. From my childhood all my mothering came from boys or men. Now I have some wonderful women in my life and online who give me mothering and acceptance and love energy and it is so powerful and so healing. I know that you will too.

I feel mothering love for you. Perhaps, if you would like it and want it, you can accept that from me/us. If you can't, I understand, but please know that your mother's inability or lacking of being a good mother to you and her desire to make you her victim means nothing about the child that you were or the woman that you are, or the inners that still struggle. All it means is that she was lacking something and chose not to seek it out and learn to love. I pity her that she could look at you and not feel love for you. It says something essential in her heart and her soul was lacking.

Good and healing mother thoughts to you, if that is okay.

Kate

Bee said...

***hugs***

kvrothert said...

I am so sorry for your loss----both for the loss of your mother AND the loss of the mother you needed but did not have. That second one is a pain no child should ever know. It is the deepest grief to struggle with. There are ways to move through that, but it is probably one of the hardest issues for a person to really work on, express, dare to feel. Know that, unfortunately, you are not alone.

Ivory said...

Thanks, guys. I nearly didn't post this because I felt so needy and petty. You are such great friends.

Ivory