Saturday, September 1, 2012

Silence is now Golden

I still don't know why my birth daughter is being so quiet, but she has, at least, begun to text some. I respond only with polite conversation. Still, right in the middle of a (short) conversation of one work questions, answers, and comments, she will just stop, and there is the screaming silence.

It seems when I make a comment that is purely my own thot, she corrects me and she's not so nice about it as if she is afraid I'm not understanding her. So, I keep it to a minimum. The only time we texted for any length of time she let me know she is disgusted with me because I don't condone illegal drug use and she tried to rub it in my face that the mother of her boy-toy smoked pot with them and the world didn't fall down. I know she thinks that if a good Mormon mommy can see the light, why can't I?

Actually, now that I'm getting used to the silence, I appreciate it. There is no drama, no "baiting" (she does that a lot), no arguments. But, there is the silence. I wish there wasn't, but I don't handle drama too well.

All this is connected, some how, to my more recent DID problems. Once again I've been missing some time - not big bunches of time, more like 30 minutes here, 15 minutes there. Or just forgetting who I am for a few minutes. Once it began, my consciousness whirled around me like a strobe light. It lasted about 2 weeks, but left me scared and leery of every day. One day, I came upstairs with my puppy behind me and from the time I climbed the stairs to the walk to the kitchen, I'd forgotten I had a puppy. As I turned into the kitchen, her white coat caught the corner of my eye and I dropped the dishes and screamed so loud, poor puppy went running back down the stairs. In just an instant, I was me again. I felt so ashamed.

This always starts when I get overwhelmed with life. My family. My mother.

I had a talk with my mother this evening. My cousin, who is adopted. Both his parents have passed on and he is curious about his birth parents, so, because they know about my daughter, they paid a visit to my mother. Of course, she didn't tell them that no one in my family except my daughter acknowledges my birth daughter as family. Of course she told him that my birth daughter is fine - she wouldn't know otherwise, she never asks. Of course she encouraged my cousin to find his birth parents, she wants everyone to believe it is a wonderful thing to have a child brought into your life that you never wanted and had a hand in throwing away. Honestly, I don't think many people have this problem, just my family. NO ONE asks about my birth daughter. How can they be so cold and callous?

I haven't been around much lately and now that I'm not working long hours anymore, I'm going to be her more. I hope you all are getting thru the day with strength and tenacity.


Child of God said...

Hello there,
Nice to see you back here writing. It is not easy living life in so much stress. Please take care of yourself and your health.

I am praying for you.

Just Be Real said...

I am always glad to see a post from you. No matter how long in-between. I love the floating pedals.

So sorry your daughter is that way. Sadly, I can relate. Because I find myself treating my mum this way. Although now I am more aware of it, and try and be kinder. With me, I know it is my issues.

Hugs to you my dear.

Ann Marie said...

I'm thinking that your daughter still must be trying to figure out who she is. We've gone through that with our three sons now aged 28-32. It seems to get better with age, but maybe it is easier with males? Maybe not as much drama - BUT, they've gone through their "hard on Mom evaluations" of being raised by us and letting us know how much we messed them up. It's hard and it's hurtful. Please know that it does get better. I suppose no solace now that your in the midst of things, but there is light on the other side of the tunnel. Probably our best parenting advice when the boys were REALLY young was that ... most likely they weren't going to college in diapers. Perspective helps :)

Our best,