Sunday, June 3, 2012

I'm No Lady In Waiting

I just read my last post. Really, I have gotten so bad at posting that I don't remember even what I write. How sad is that?

So, anyway, here's an update:

What with all the jockying for "lady in waiting" position for my mother, between my sisters, I had the chance to talk to my oldest sister - for a serious few moments. She asked me what happened about the months following the day my husband moved out. Now, normally, I would have just tried to hit the highlights, ones that I thot would have an immediate and profound effect as I have done in the past - always aware that my family doesn't believe anything I say, profound or not. As it was, I told her how I feel about them, about my siblings.

Eventually, I covered some of the profound stuff, and for a change, my sister provided normal active listining grunts, verbal nods, and short questions. Because we were on the phone, it was hard for me to judge the accuracy of what I thot was active listening. I mean, after all, it's been nearly 10 years and no one has bothered to ask me about my divorce, or me.

Anyway, as we talked (okay, I was doing all the talking) I managed to launch into something more profound such as my husband admitting adultry, attempt at having me commited and trying to destroy me emotionally, financially and professionally.  I told her what I think of "them" for treating me the way they have.

I was careful not to accuse any of them of things she didn't know to be true. I just stated how it all made me feel, especially when I had offered all and any assistance to each of them at some point over the last 20 years.

The most interesting statement I heard come out of my mouth was, "... I've realized something as I've stumbled thru the last 10 years by myself. I've learned that I don't need support from any of you or validation from any of you to get thru the day and still believe in myself and be proud of who I am. None of you can say the same - after all you've done to force me to deal with divorce, losing my house and not having anyone to help me move, our dad's death and 2 major surgeries all by myself. I realize now that I don't need approval from any of you because I find your approval is not big enough to have a valued impact on my life. I also don't need validation from any of you to tell me that, yes, I was sexually abused as a child - I already know that I was and I feel bad for all of you that you can't deal with knowing a family friend was not really a friend."

Yes, I said all of that. I actually never let my voice be angry or weepy. I just stated it as if I was speaking to a wall. It was perfect. Since then, I've been included in group emails as to the progress with transitioning Mom to assisted living. That's as close as I want to get. You see, I've also found out that as long as I don't partake of the one-up frenzy, I get to keep my sanity AND my pride.

All that said... lets seel how long it lasts!     :)


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