Sunday, April 29, 2012

To Mom or Not to Mom

For the first time in a long time, I had to spend the day with my family. I'm hurt, I'm sad, I've realized that I'm really not part of the family that I've believed I was all my life.

They just don't like me. I don't understand. We don't fight, bad mouth each other, or intrude into each other lives, yet they find enough about me not to like or feel justified in treating me the way one would treat a stalker. The only difference is that they have never called the police.

I don't get it. They don't tell me to go away, they don't yell at me. They just ignore me or intentionally exclude me from family activities and family business. I have tried to guess why this is and several times, I thot I had a reason, but I don't think any of my imaginations were why. The only thing I'm sure of is that it all started when my ex husband left me.

What is so confusing is that people who know me outside of my family, all seem to like me. Coworkers make it a point to talk to me, tho I'm not included in after work things because we are all exhausted by the end of the day.

I don't have any friends outside of work that I spend time with, but I have very nice neighbors, who trust me to babysit their dogs and have given me a key to their house. Tho I don't have friends, I can tell that people don't dislike me. Why would my family have so little need for me and feel so justified in showing so much disrespect? Honestly, I have never done anything to of them. The only thing I can think of now is that my mother plays us against each other.

Here is a bit of conversation of today between my older sister and younger sister (one the oldest of my sibs, the other the youngest of my sibs):
M: [to Mom] Well, someone needs to go and ask these questions of the facility. (we are checking out assisted living facilities for Mom)
S: If you call and make the appointment, I'll drive back up on Friday and we'll go together. [It's a 7 hr drive for her]
M: No, that's okay, I can do it. I have to come back on Wednesday anyway, I can do it then.
S: Well, wait till Friday and I'll go too.
M: You don't have to drive back up here.
S: No, I want to, so there are two people there.

M and S go on trying to politely prevent the other from going. Finally, I said, "Hey, guys, I live right here. What am I, chopped liver. I can go unless both of you have to be there.

S:[Now mad] go ahead, then, I don't care.
M: I don't mind going, I can come back down. [an hours drive - not bad]

Clearly, neither one wanted me to go. They constantly jockey for the position of apple of my mother's eye. It's pathetic. They should be embarrassed. What makes it worse is that Mom sat there actually smiling at the thot of how they were basically fighting over her to see who would get the coveted position to do the most for her, the fasted for her and sacrifice the most for her.

After that conversation, my sisters sat with bated breath until I said I was going home and then they jumped up and made plans to go shopping for Mom to get all the things they told her she wanted.

I'm bitter. I'm sad. I feel betrayed all over again, only this time, I betrayed myself. I let my guard down and they hurt me again. Truth is tho, I hurt really bad. Without them, I have no one to whom I connected to by a past. I feel as if I have no tether to anything/anyone in an intimate way that makes me feel valued.

4 comments:

Child of God said...

I am sad to hear you are hurting so much. I will be praying for you. There is love and acceptance in Jesus and there is a heavenly Father who loves you deeply and accepts you just as you are. I'm praying you will feel the Father's love.

<><

From Tracie said...

I wish I had some sort of solution or advice for you, but I don't. It is wrong that they treat you this way, and that your mom encourages the infighting. One-upping your sister is not a way to prove love of your mother, and it is sad that they don't realize this.

Grace said...

((Ivory)))
Im sorry no one in your "family" understands or supports you- or is there for you. It just isn't fair!!! And I'm sorry. I don't kmow what it's like to have that kind of "family" support either- i dont keep in contact with anyone in my family.
Kow that care and I consider you a "friend".
Love Grace

Michael said...

Hey Ivory,

I have found some of my answers in reading about the scapegoat model of dysfunctional families.

The most important thing is the scapegoat role goes to the most loving, the strongest and the smartest.

Journey on,

Michael