Sunday, April 3, 2011

Internally Chaotic, Outwardly structured

During the last 6 years while in therapy, I have traveled several paths, taken steps along the way that moved me sideways and backwards, and made me tripp and fall. However, I have realized that in my desire to become whole, travel the "right" road, and/or "be all everyone wanted me to be", that I am very much - only me.

Just recently, I have found that I have always been okay with who I am, but the truth of who I am has been as elusive as an imaginary butterfly. In recent months, there has been a sort of internal combustion. Actually, I pretty much fit the Chaos Theory. I've copied it below, from Wikipedia. The words in red are of particular importance to me:

Chaos theory studies the behavior of dynamical systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions; an effect which is popularly referred to as the butterfly effect. Small differences in initial conditions (such as those due to rounding errors in numerical computation) yield widely diverging outcomes for chaotic systems, rendering long-term prediction impossible in general. This happens even though these systems are deterministic, meaning that their future behavior is fully determined by their initial conditions, with no random elements involved. In other words, the deterministic nature of these systems does not make them predictable. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos.


It has take me years to realize that although I seem calm and collected and structured on the outside, I am not so internally. I migrate to people and situations that are structured and predictable so that I can easily navigate through and around my chaotic life. I am not predictable, tho I am not deviant and I cause no harm. Most people think I'm fun. Imagine that!

It is nearly impossible to structure me. It's actually painful to be structured. I have a couple of friends who are OCD and very structured. They hate spending more than a few hours with me because they can't "bounce" from one thing/event/activity to another like I do. I've had to explain to them that as painful as it is for them to be unstructured, it is that painful for me to be structured. They don't know about my DID.

Making appointments is equally difficult. I hate it. Not that I'm impatient (Mom says I have the patience of a saint), but I often find that when I should be on my way to the appointment, I sometimes call and cancel because I've just picked up on something ELSE I'd rather do. So - I go do it. It's not that I'm not disciplined - I am extremely disciplined, just not structured.  I think I'm free - free to change my mind and change my course. Others think I'm flighty, and yet others think I'm nuts. Maybe a little of all three!
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4 comments:

Exhale said...

I can totally relate to this post...as I see so much of it in me! The more I have come to appreciate the "me" the more accepting I am of just being and not trying to be what others expect or want. Take care cyber friend....

Ivory said...

Thanks! I guessed a few others would be able to identify with me. I guess it's normal for us.

Just Be Real said...

Ivory a good post to chew on. I see similarities most definitely. Blessings.

Ivory said...

JBR - I can't see how the chaos could be normal, actually, but I had a session yesterday...