My granddaughter came to spend the weekend from out of town. My daughter, her aunt, came to spend the weekend, too, so we could all enjoy the visit. It was nice.
Wondering what went wrong?
Nothing, exactly, except my predictable nature.
My mother doesn't like me much and doesn't even ask about my daughters or their families anymore. It's all about her - always has been. I've let it be all about her. I enabled that perception because I wanted her attention, her admiration, her love. Long ago, I realized she would never have the same feelings for me as for my 4 siblings.
When Granddaughter was here, I took both her and my daughter to visit her. We didn't really want to, but it was my duty to produce them for her "inspection". We all had a nice visit; she was on her very best behavior. It's that I even bothered that upsets me.
Tonight, I went to bed. Exhaustion and hunger kept me awake and allowed the sneaky little seeds of regret, loss, and need to grow. Within minutes, I was crying.
When I was 17 years old, a friend of mine was feeling lonely and down because as we neared Easter, she felt the loss of her father who had passed only 8 months prior. She asked if I would mind if she came into town to visit for just awhile - on Easter morning. I was living with my brother and I didn't have a car, so I told my friend that I didn't mind her coming into town, if she would drive me to my parent's house on her way back home.
My brother and sis-in-law left to go to my parent's as I waiting for my friend. After waiting nearly an hour, she called to let me know her car wouldn't start and she was cancelling our visit. I called my mother and asked if she could send someone back to pick me up so I could spend Easter with them. Mom replied, "No, you could've come with Brother and Sis." I spend Easter by myself.
I had moved out of my parent's house by the time I turned 18. Our state requires that all 18 year olds retake the driving test before renewing their license and since my parents took my car, I had to hitch a ride the 5 miles to where my mother worked to ask her to let me use her car for the test. Again, "No."
Just a few months ago, I asked Mom if I could have a shirt of my dad's. A local lady takes shirts and makes the most precious teddy bears using the collar of the shirt for the collar of the bear. I wanted to have that done and give the teddy bear and a picture of my dad wearing the same shirt to my daughter, who was especially close to him. When I asked, Mom got mad and said, "What? I already gave you a shirt, why do you want another one? You just expect me to give you everything you ask for, I already gave you one!" Then she changed the subject.
She had not given me a shirt. She has not given me anything and I have not asked for anything else. My 4 sibs, on the other hand are getting all kinds of stuff. They don't even have to ask, she just finds stuff and gives it to them and their kids. All of their lives, they have "borrowed" money that never got paid back, borrowed tools that never were given back, and got special favors from Mom for everything to babysitting after work, to making special Halloween costumes. Me? Got nothing. Ever.I'm not crying because I never got anything from her - things aren't what I care about. I just wanted to be an equal member of my own darn family. The next time my grand kids come, or my daughters come to visit - I'm not taking them to the queen. If she wants to see them, she can call one of my sibs and tell them I'm being mean and they will need to drive her holy arss to my house. I have spoken.
I have spoken, but there isn't anybody to tell. I feel so pitiful.