Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm So Predictable

I'm also so stupid; so upset; and so not able to sleep tonight.

My granddaughter came to spend the weekend from out of town. My daughter, her aunt, came to spend the weekend, too, so we could all enjoy the visit. It was nice.

Wondering what went wrong?

Nothing, exactly, except my predictable nature.

My mother doesn't like me much and doesn't even ask about my daughters or their families anymore. It's all about her - always has been. I've let it be all about her. I enabled that perception because I wanted her attention, her admiration, her love. Long ago, I realized she would never have the same feelings for me as for my 4 siblings.

When Granddaughter was here, I took both her and my daughter to visit her. We didn't really want to, but it was my duty to produce them for her "inspection". We all had a nice visit; she was on her very best behavior. It's that I even bothered that upsets me.
Tonight, I went to bed. Exhaustion and hunger kept me awake and allowed the sneaky little seeds of regret, loss, and need to grow. Within minutes, I was crying.
When I was 17 years old, a friend of mine was feeling lonely and down because as we neared Easter, she felt the loss of her father who had passed only 8 months prior. She asked if I would mind if she came into town to visit for just awhile - on Easter morning. I was living with my brother and I didn't have a car, so I told my friend that I didn't mind her coming into town, if she would drive me to my parent's house on her way back home.
My brother and sis-in-law left to go to my parent's as I waiting for my friend. After waiting nearly an hour, she called to let me know her car wouldn't start and she was cancelling our visit. I called my mother and asked if she could send someone back to pick me up so I could spend Easter with them. Mom replied, "No, you could've come with Brother and Sis." I spend Easter by myself.
I had moved out of my parent's house by the time I turned 18. Our state requires that all 18 year olds retake the driving test before renewing their license and since my parents took my car, I had to hitch a ride the 5 miles to where my mother worked to ask her to let me use her car for the test. Again, "No."
Just a few months ago, I asked Mom if I could have a shirt of my dad's. A local lady takes shirts and makes the most precious teddy bears using the collar of the shirt for the collar of the bear. I wanted to have that done and give the teddy bear and a picture of my dad wearing the same shirt to my daughter, who was especially close to him. When I asked, Mom got mad and said, "What? I already gave you a shirt, why do you want another one? You just expect me to give you everything you ask for, I already gave you one!" Then she changed the subject.
She had not given me a shirt. She has not given me anything and I have not asked for anything else. My 4 sibs, on the other hand are getting all kinds of stuff. They don't even have to ask, she just finds stuff and gives it to them and their kids. All of their lives, they have "borrowed" money that never got paid back, borrowed tools that never were given back, and got special favors from Mom for everything to babysitting after work, to making special Halloween costumes. Me? Got nothing. Ever.
I'm not crying because I never got anything from her - things aren't what I care about. I just wanted to be an equal member of my own darn family. The next time my grand kids come, or my daughters come to visit - I'm not taking them to the queen. If she wants to see them, she can call one of my sibs and tell them I'm being mean and they will need to drive her holy arss to my house. I have spoken.

I have spoken, but there isn't anybody to tell. I feel so pitiful.



Just Be Real said...

Dear one I am up also tonight. I am so very sorry for your struggle with this recent visit and memories. Safe hugs to you Ivory.

jumpinginpuddles said...

im also sitting here listening

Exhale said...

So sorry about the pain in your relationship with your mother. As you become stronger her influence will become weaker. It's healthier to put your needs and wants first, she is a part of your past but doesn't have to be a part of your present or future unless you want her to be. It's important to have boundaries even with people we love. The only one who seems pitiful in this relationship is her....

Ivory said...

JBR, Sorry you were up late, and thanks for listening.

JIP - You, too! Thanks for listening!

Exhale, I hear you, but I don't want to screw up, I was doing so well. I was strong up till this weekend. I guess I can't expect perfection (if I did, I'd be my mother)!

Kate said...

You did tell. You told us. It is obvious online friends care about you.

I know how much it hurts to be the scapegoat in the family. Part of the power of having a scapegoat in a dysfunctional family is that it gives power for the parent to create a more cohesive family unit, to make it stronger, to make it stay together when it should really fall apart. This is what your mother did to you. I can relate, been there.

What she gave to the others is not the same as being a really great mother. They might not see it. She might not be able to admit to it. Just one story about your mom makes it obvious to anyone who reads your blog, she is an abuser and a manipulator and a cruel cruel person. I'm so sorry.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


castorgirl said...

I'm sorry Ivory...

Don't beat yourself up over having hopes. Learn from the weekend and keep to your resolve.

Sending positive thoughts,

beautifuldreamer said...

I'm in the same boat with my mother, or I should say I was until I ended my relationship with her years ago.

My sibs got all kinds of help, I got none. There is no way to begin to understand such favoritism, though I've about driven myself mad attempting to do so.

I wouldn't take the kids to see "the Queen" any more either. I hope you can stick to your guns. Why make it easy on her to continue treating you like some kind of outcast?

Ivory said...

thanks everyone! This has been a trying week for me. Your support is so wonderful after feeling so bad about myself.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I'm sorry Ivory. You are too hard on yourself. You try as hard as anyone I know. Sending you warm thoughts...

shatteredone said...

Your mother sounds awful,
and I am here and listening. So are others. There are people to tell and people who care.
You are not alone.