Saturday, March 12, 2011

What's Next?

Two weeks ago, at my last therapy session, Mr.S "talked" me into my White Place (what I call it). As a  memory refresher:  I close my eyes, keep an open mind, and Mr.S helps me find that safe, serene place we all have within us. His words and voice help me stay focused as (in my mind) I search for that special place. Once there, I find acceptance and love. When I've soaked up enough of it, he brings me back. Note: there is no hypnosis involved.

So anyway, I was at my White Place where I usually can visualize the colors of my alters - in their special "places".  It always makes thing right in my world to visualize it all so placid and harmonious. Well this time it was different. I was enjoying being there when I noticed that my usual Colors were not there, instead, there was a color I'd never seen there before: Red.

Red is not a comfort color for me, in fact, it means pain. Lots of pain. I was surprised to see Red there. I don't have an alter who is red, or named Red. I didn't know what to think, but that doesn't really matter because I felt the color meant me harm, wanted me dead. Inside my head, the Red color fought to enter my safe place, my White Place. It terrified me and I cried out to stop.

Once I open my eyes, all of it ends, but for the last 2 weeks, I've been in a fog. I've had the feeling something absolutely awful was about to happen - to me or someone I care about. I had a session this afternoon and Mr.S says he doesn't know what to think of the red color. He's not sure it's an alter and he said it may only be unresolved fear and pain from my past. Actually, it was on the 14th of March that I was raped. The rape that produced my oldest daughter. Mr.S says it may be a trigger time for me (no kidding).

Here's to getting thru the next 2 weeks.



Just Be Real said...

Oh dear one. I am so very sorry for what you are experiencing in the only safe place for now. May that color either reveal itself to you or dissipate. Here with you Ivory.

Exhale said...

I agree with what Just Be Real wrote...I hope that you discover what or who this color represents. Sometimes the fear of the unknown is harder to deal with than what the truth is. Thinking of you, as you're trying to stay functional working through this.

castorgirl said...

Sending positive thoughts your way Ivory...

Take care,

Michael Finley said...

I know of white pain and of red anger. I have no idea if this is true for you. I need more blue in my world. The blue seems to be around the while.

Interesting I just looked at the Mandela that sent me over the edge. There is no blue in it. I know we need some blue in our rug and we do not have any. Interesting.

Just Be Real said...

Came back by today to give you a safe hug..... ((((Ivory))))

Grace said...

(((Ivory))) I am familiar with red pain and anger. I can't imagine how much fear and anxiety that must have triggered for you...and you must continue to be "living" with.
Please know that I also think of you daily and send you what strength and peace I can.
Wishing you safe and calm ~ Grace