Saturday, February 19, 2011

Things I Should Have Said


I get lock jaw everytime I get into therapy lately. It makes me feel like a wimp, once I leave. That little session room used to feel so safe, so comfortable, and so welcoming. I don't know where it all went.

Mr.S reassured me (again) that our sessions will continue, just in a different place, actually a different town. Can it get any worse? All his familiar things, banged, bumped, and pushed out of that comfy room and shoved, poked, and dropped into another room, in another town?

We talked for only a few minutes before he asked, "Are you isolating yourself again?"

"Yes. One hundred percent, completely, I am. I can't help it. I have even left work early because I want to be alone and I can't take all the movement. I have been numbing out a lot just to get thru the day."

"Are you using the [light stimulation] glasses?"

"Yes, that's how I'm numbing out." (smiles and looks down embarrassed)

I probably should have told him more of the truth. What I should have said was, "I not only isolate myself, but I've been cut by Smoke. And then, I sometimes wait till dusk and I drive down town, just to feel close to the people I see there. I pretend I have a reason to be there, as if I have somewhere important to be and I'm in a rush to get there. Then, I just watch people as they hug a friend, climb into their cars, or walk along the sidewalk holding a child's hand and laugh and play along their way. I even watch the stray cat or two as they dart between the cars and I pretend, in my head, to know them... crazy cat, you shouldn't be out here in traffic...

I should have told him I get how panicked I get when I actually have to leave the safety of my car and walk thru the automatic doors [they are so scary sometimes!] to pick up a perscription [there's a window, why didn't I just use that?].  Oh, yeah, I had to come in to pick up my friend's birthday card. Gawd, it's going to take forever, but not to worry, there aren't many people in here.

And all of a sudden, the place is packed with people laughing, talking, kids shouting. I should have told him how my heart begins to thrum and air vacates my lungs with such force I think I've choked on my own spit. I forget why I'm there, and by then I don't care, and being walking toward the door. I walk as slow as possible so as not to draw attention. That's when I notice my hands are sweating. Oh, that's not good.

Just as I think I'm about to pass out from lack of oxygen, I see my car. Long before I reach it, I've pressed the "Open" button on the FOB and the lights blink a welcome until, at last, I open the door. I practically throw myself down onto the car seat so I can quickly close the door. Aahhh, finally, I suck in a breath of air. As I put on my seat belt and start the car, my eyes dart around to be sure there is no one I know watching me, wondering why I sprinted past them without speaking.

Yeah, I probably should have told him all that, but I didn't. I was sick to my stomach by the time I left the session. My next appointment is next Saturday.


castorgirl said...

(((Ivory))), why don't you copy and paste this blog into an email and send it to Mr S? This is all important stuff that he needs to know.

I'm so sorry about your panic attacks.

Sending positive thoughts your way,

Ivory said...

CG, Mr.S said I could email when ever I wanted, maybe I will email him about it.

Grace said...

I'm so sorry - so much changed and so many parts of you feel unsafe now.
It's hard to say all these things if you don't feel safe - but on the other hand, if you can't say them, there's so much discord and frustration later after you leave.
I'm so sorry for your pain....

Lothlorien said...

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much.It can be hard for all of us to say what we need to say in therapy at some point. I have experienced it a lot. In the beginning of therapy all I could do was draw and hope my T "got it". Then I progressed to finding words but couldn't speak them, so I wrote. Then I progressed to speaking my words with detached emotion, and now I am beginning to speak my words with emotions attached. You might try writing.

Patricia Singleton said...

Writing for me is so much easier to say what I need to say when I am feeling overwhelmed or just need an outlet to vent my thoughts or feelings. I hope that you find a place of strength coming out of all of this chaos soon. I agree about emailing the therapist. Let him help you get through this.

Lothlorien said...

What are the light glasses? I have heard of lights for depression but not light GLASSES. Peaks my interest!

Ivory said...

Lothlorien - the "glasses" are Light Stimulation glasses with headphones for sound. I've done a lot of neuro-therapy in my T's office and the "glasses" are an extention, of sorts, that I bought and he helped with settings for panic attacks, depression, etc. There are numerous settings. I just sit there for 4-10 minutes and enjoy the show. Tear dry up and anxiety goes away!