You know, there are times when no one can calm my emotions, stay my fears, or help me find my way - not even me. Especially not me. Today, I'm simply lost; lost in the Rainbow of my emotions, afraid of the true color of my heart, and there is not one to point the way forward.
Today, I simply hate me, hate who I am, who I have become. There was a time I can remember I thot I could be anything I wanted to be. I don't believe that anymore. The dark side of evil has taken much of my life from me and it's been too long in coming that I began to find my way thru the mess evil left me with.
Mr.S says I "survived". But did I? Really? Or did I just exist until enough time has passed that I can safely look past the pain and terror. Mr.S says I'm "very functional". Really? Or am I just going thru the motions with no point to living or reason for doing it?
I had begun to believe I could conquer my fear and blast on thru the muck of my past until I could see the sunlight shining on me the way I once believed I deserved of it. But, because of therapy, I relaxed. I let my guard down. Today, in therapy, when I was with myself, being with myself in "my special place", there came a color I hadn't seen there before. Red. A red color was there and angry and trying to hurt me. It was awful.
Because of the shock of it, I didn't want to talk to Mr.S about it, but he knew she was there. I'm so upset about it, I'm nearly in shock and don't know what to think. I'm surprised I'm even writing about it.