Sunday, February 27, 2011

Lost in the Rainbow

You know, there are times when no one can calm my emotions, stay my fears, or help me find my way - not even me. Especially not me. Today, I'm simply lost; lost in the Rainbow of my emotions, afraid of the true color of my heart, and there is not one to point the way forward.

Today, I simply hate me, hate who I am, who I have become. There was a time I can remember I thot I could be anything I wanted to be. I don't believe that anymore. The dark side of evil has taken much of my life from me and it's been too long in coming that I began to find my way thru the mess evil left me with.

Mr.S says I "survived". But did I? Really? Or did I just exist until enough time has passed that I can safely look past the pain and terror. Mr.S says I'm "very functional". Really? Or am I just going thru the motions with no point to living or reason for doing it?

I had begun to believe I could conquer my fear and blast on thru the muck of my past until I could see the sunlight shining on me the way I once believed I deserved of it. But, because of therapy, I relaxed. I let my guard down. Today, in therapy, when I was with myself, being with myself in "my special place", there came a color I hadn't seen there before. Red. A red color was there and angry and trying to hurt me. It was awful.

Because of the shock of it, I didn't want to talk to Mr.S about it, but he knew she was there. I'm so upset about it, I'm nearly in shock and don't know what to think. I'm surprised I'm even writing about it.


Just Be Real said...

Ivory you are so right. Sometimes what we are experiencing is so very deep, only we and really God can understand just how deep our pain is. And we can be the only ones to have to go through it, alone. I hear you dear one and I am so very sorry for your rainbow of pain. Dear one, I appreciate you writing about it. Really saying and putting it down, for me at least, helps. Here always listening.....

Exhale said...

Thinking of you...

castorgirl said...

(((Ivory))) I'm so sorry things are so unsettled for you. Considering all that's happened within the changes to your therapy sessions, it isn't surprising that Red was present. That seems like a natural reaction to all the change happening.

As an outsider looking in, I see you as a strong survivor who is doing so much to make your present life healthy and safe. I know that is difficult, that comes through in your writing. I'm sorry it's so difficult.

Sending positive thoughts,

Ivory said...

JBR - Thanks for your support, I appreciate it so much!

Exhale - Thanks!

Castorgirl - It is difficult - and frightening to find YET ANOTHER ONE! I am so crushed. Thanks for understanding.