Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Cratering and Things I don't Say

I'm not with it. I didn't realize until just now that it's been 7 days since I last posted. I'm ususally very excited to post.

I needed to talk to Mr.S this week. Of course, I couldn't. He's not even in town right now. I emailed him last week and he suggested seeing him last Saturday, but I had plans to spend Saturday with my daughter. So, unless I wanted to cancel those plans, I'm out. I knew this would happen. I don't say that I feel abandoned and I feel as if some ghost of my past is creeping up and about to overtake me.

Mr.S and I have an appt this Saturday, I think. He's going to say something like, "Well, look! You've made it!" To which I will stand up and walk out. I haven't made it. He has no idea how ugly that phrase is when I've been thru hell all week. -- I don't say I need him to be here. I don't say I need him.

The problem is that I have an alter, Smoke, who cuts. I've been waking up every morning and immediately checking out my arms/legs to be sure there are no long red streaks there.  I'm afraid of myself. I don't say it in therapy. I don't say it to anyone.



Grace said...

((Ivory)) I have felt that way before. To say "you made it" doesn't even begin to acknowledge the he'll you climbed through. I'm so sorry.

castorgirl said...

I wish I had solutions for you Ivory. I can't even begin to understand how difficult this is for you; and Mr S. can't either. Maybe you could email him to let him know? Is that a possibility? Sorry if it isn't, it was a suggestion based on what I've done in the past. The other has been to write something out and hand it to the therapist as I walk in the door, asking them to read that first. It's helped explain the difficult stuff that I don't know if I can verbalise well enough in session.

Sending lots of positive thoughts and warm safe hugs your way,

Exhale said...

I am sorry your going through this...I hope that your able to express yourself to your t if you see him Sat. Maybe he knows of someone that can work with you under your t's guidance when he is not avaliable, or when your schedules don't work out.

Ivory said...

Thanks for understanding, Grace. I wonder if I'm just making my "hell" too big sometimes.

Castorgirl, I never thot of writing it down and giving it to him, I think I might try that. I can email, I can even call, but both are very inconvenient for him right now.

Exhale, I didn't think of your suggestion of working with someone along with him when he is gone. I might ask about that if I go tomorrow. Thanks!

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Ivory, I'm sorry I came to this late. According to the date, you had your appointment yesterday. I hope it was helpful for you. Sending you warm thoughts!