I'm not with it. I didn't realize until just now that it's been 7 days since I last posted. I'm ususally very excited to post.
I needed to talk to Mr.S this week. Of course, I couldn't. He's not even in town right now. I emailed him last week and he suggested seeing him last Saturday, but I had plans to spend Saturday with my daughter. So, unless I wanted to cancel those plans, I'm out. I knew this would happen. I don't say that I feel abandoned and I feel as if some ghost of my past is creeping up and about to overtake me.
Mr.S and I have an appt this Saturday, I think. He's going to say something like, "Well, look! You've made it!" To which I will stand up and walk out. I haven't made it. He has no idea how ugly that phrase is when I've been thru hell all week. -- I don't say I need him to be here. I don't say I need him.
The problem is that I have an alter, Smoke, who cuts. I've been waking up every morning and immediately checking out my arms/legs to be sure there are no long red streaks there. I'm afraid of myself. I don't say it in therapy. I don't say it to anyone.