Saturday, February 5, 2011

Being Human

T called this morning and asked to see me this afternoon, instead of our appt time of this coming Monday.

It has rattled me good.

He has probably gotten the job out of town and is supposed to be going to training next week.

I've been considering this announcement for the last 5 years. It upsets me to think of this change in my life, my therapy, my therapist. What has been rattling around in my head causing all the problem is that I can't see a logical reason why this would upset me, in the least, at all.

So, for all my six (count 'em, 6) years of therapy, this is the pattern, or train, of thot, along with the result:

In the beginning, during my first 2 years of college, my life seemed to jump-start, after raising a child and working in a dead-end job. I loved college. Then, almost before I could actually bask in the sun of my new life, the ex hus admitted he was having an affair. Actually, by the time he had admitted it, I had caught him several times on ICQ as well as porn sites AND his drinking had taken on a whole new high and he was literally picking fights. By this time, too, I had asked him to come to one of my therapy sessions, told him about my DID, and he had begun to use it all against me to have me committed so he could go off into the sunset with the town ho.

When the hus left, my therapy had to adjust from simple [she smiles] DID issues to the issues surrounding the hus' manipulation of my mental wellbeing and divorce. This happened in the middle of a mudslide of memories, but now, I didn't have ANYONE I could depend on or talk to other than Mr.S. During the next year or two, my dad died, I moved several times, enrolled in a University, lost my family (because of the ex), lost my friends because of the divorce, and plummeted into a black emotional abyss.

I began fighting the need to talk about childhood abuse or what brought me to where I currently was.  Finally, Mr.S said he understood how afraid I was of connecting with him.  I felt it was wrong of me to expect that kind of connection from him. We discussed how I could depend on him for a lot of things and that we would work on ending that connection when the time was right. We have talked several times about the boundaries of this kind of relationship.

You see, for me, he became a life savor. For Mr.S, I was always just another client. Disclaimer: For anyone who might think there was a risk of physical/unprofessional relationship - there wasn't. We addressed that from time to time - just in case. There was never anything between us there shouldn't have been. But...

I don't think Mr.S realizes how I might feel leaving a "relationship" in which he is the lifesavor.  I have shared my whole life with him - all the memories, all the ugliness, shame, and dreams.  This is what I've been really thinking about. I can't see why I'd be so upset. There is, and never has been anything romantic between us, but there is a bond. It upsets me to think that after all this therapy, I'm going to end up "without", again. If I end therapy, I lose the only person in my life who I can discuss the mess my life is.

If you look at the client/therapist relationship, it is a lot like a relationship with a close friend: I get to know the other person well over time because I see them often and regularly. I share intimate and personal things and then, when the friendship ends, I see the person walk away from me, not caring about me anymore, but carrying with her all my secrets.

In a theraputic relationship, the client is encouraged to trust and depend upon the therapist for help. I have become familiar with Mr.S- how he moves, smiles, laughs. I can tell when something in his personal life is bothering him and I quickly recognize his physical "tells" (those that give away how he is feeling, if he is trying to get me to talk about something, if he is BSing me to get me to think a certain way or believe something, and even if he is uncomfortable with something we are discussing). This is probably the only 2-sided part of our relationship because he is very tuned into my emotions when we are together and he is the only person I cannot fool much, if at all, about what is going on with me.

The issue with this kind of relationship is just like when you break up with a boyfriend/partner/hus. You suddenly remember all the personal things the other person knows about you and all that information is going away with that person. It makes me feel vulnerable all over again. I'm panicked. I'm afraid of ...  ... something, I don't know what. It's like I don't want to let all that information get away, so maybe I'm thinking that to prevent it, I have to keep Mr.S in my life. I think this is the wierdest thing I've ever tried to explain.

I don't want to give the relationship up. I like having someone to talk to. Finally trusting in someone and confiding in someone felt so good.  I found I need it, I value it, I don't want to give it up or I go back to that person who never speaks up in public, becomes the wallflower, never leaves the house to avoid human interaction.

I think that's what the problem is for all of the parts of me - we don't want to give it up. It feels unfair. I don't have anyone else to talk to, no one. No family, no friends who would understand, no Dr.s who know about the DID, no one. My daughter knows, but I've put her thru several years of hell because of my DID and I no longer pull her into the ugliness of it. I like our relationship better because she doesn't know all the sh-t.  I really don't know what I will do.

For now, I'm still seeing Mr.S twice a month. It's interesting how the world believes in "talking" thru problems, but in therapy, we aren't taught how NOT to want to talk about it. Maybe that should be what we talk about today because I have to learn how not to want to, how not to need to. I have to learn how not to be human and that is the crux. I've spent all this money learning how to be human, accepting that I am a deserving human, only to realize I have too many limitations to be truly human.



Exhale said...

Think of you as I read through your post. I am sorry this is so hard on your system, it sounds like your grieving the loss of something that has been very important to you. Change is always thing positive is your t is still alive and hasn't abandoned you, you can still do your sessions with him on the phone or on skype. Sending you thoughts of peace and comfort in this struggle.

Ivory said...

Thanks, Exhale, I have actually thot about the skype option. And you are right - he isn't exactly abandoning me.

Just Be Real said...

Ivory sorry for the struggles with the feelings. Here listening dear one.

castorgirl said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt... and it's understandable that there is that pain, grief and confusion. Mr S has helped you in many ways.

How long are you going to be able to keep seeing him fortnightly? Exhale had a great idea regarding Skype - especially if you can both use the video aspect of it.

Sending positive thoughts your way,