Monday, January 24, 2011

Still Trying to Figure It Out

I went to my session this afternoon. Numb. I was numb. What didn't feel right is that I was numb.

Darn it.

I was so apprensive about going, my stomach was topsy-turvey all day to the point of throwing up, and I chewed my fingernail to bleeding (I only allow myself to chew one in times of great distress), and I ate a candybar. I'm not even a comfort eater, but there I was.

I left work early. I just couldn't take it anymore, I was a mess.

So I go to my session. I was on time (because I'm so darn predictable). When Mr.S came in, the first thing I said was, "Don't ask me where I am because I'm anxious, jumpy, worried, angry, all of it, all of them".

Mr.S just laughed. I laughed. Then he said, "Oh, well then, we will have to work it out".

As we talked, I realized I didn't have a clue as to why I was so upset. He believes it is my very insecure, fearful 11 year old. Probably is, because it's NOT ME. That's what's so upsetting, it's because someone is upset and it's not me - for a change. Thank heavens! Seriously, it's not me and that is something to be happy about.

Mr.S also told me, again, that he will have time to see a few clients, like me who cannot be "referred" out. We talked about how I do the "care taker" thing, as one of my readers pointed out not long ago (thanks Missing In Sight). Mr.S told me not to go there, because he knows what he's capable of. He's right.

I'm still sort of numb. I'll need some time to get used to it, to the change (there are few), and to the fact that I realize that I don't have absolute control over my emotions - or over Smoke. Again, reality floats down upon my life like the smile of golden rays the morning sun presses onto the waking flowers.

Oh, well.


Just Be Real said...

Ivory here listening.

Paul said...

Ouch. A very hard place to be. So, did Mr. S. help sort things out for you?

Exhale said...

Hang in will figure it out. It took a lot of courage and strength to go and you went. You didn't run from the problem you faced it head proud of you because we are.

Ivory said...

Thanks, JBR! It means a lot to me.

Ivory said...

Paul, Mr.S tried to help. I was so anxious and upset that what Mr.S told me will take time to sink in. He said I have a "little" who is prone to fear of abandonment and rejection. To her (Smoke), Mr.S making any changes affecting us creates a difficult situation for her.

Ivory said...

Exhale, thanks. It isn't as bad today as yesterday, but I'm still workin' on it!

Kerro said...

This is really hard, Ivory. But as Exhale said, you're doing it. You're facing it. Absolutely be proud of yourself. :)

Ivory said...

Thanks, Kerro. You guys are wonderful. I was feeling bad but maybe I can be happy about how things have turned out!