I'm dressed in sweats, sitting in bed, just finished breakfast and now I'm surfing the net.
From my bedroom window I can see smoke coming from my neighbor's heating vent, and further to the west, thick dark gray clouds bumping and pushing their way east. Great.
I made it past New Years Eve - alone, because of a blizzard. Just the day before that it was 50 degrees. It all seems so normal, doesn't it?
It is normal. It's normal for me to be alone. I hate being alone, but there are perks. I don't have to be someone's maid/cook. I get to pick which movie I watch. Basically, I get to do whatever I want to do. Have you seen the movie I Am Legend? I'm alone like he was alone, except, tho I find myself wishing for company, I avoid people.
I made it thru another year - or did I? What has changed?
My therapist, Mr.S often side tracks my pity party by saying, "Well, look! You're here, you made it thru!" But did I?
Mr.S also often compares time frames, "Just look where you are now, compared to when you first came to see me." Okay, let's compare:
THEN - NOW
missing time missing time
able to socialize avoiding people
had friends no friends
no boundaries boundaries (too many maybe)
part of family they don't like me any more
demons in my sleep no more demons, well, not many
Okay, you get it. Not too great. I feel as if nothing has changed much except for the things I didn't want to change. Such as being married and part of my own family. What's wrong here? I need to bring this to Mr.S. I hope this issue won't be one of those Things I Didn't Say posts.