Sunday, January 2, 2011

Made It Thru Another Year

I'm dressed in sweats, sitting in bed, just finished breakfast and now I'm surfing the net.

From my bedroom window I can see smoke coming from my neighbor's heating vent, and further to the west, thick dark gray clouds bumping and pushing their way east. Great.

I made it past New Years Eve - alone, because of a blizzard. Just the day before that it was 50 degrees. It all seems so normal, doesn't it?

It is normal. It's normal for me to be alone. I hate being alone, but there are perks. I don't have to be someone's maid/cook. I get to pick which movie I watch. Basically, I get to do whatever I want to do. Have you seen the movie I Am Legend?  I'm alone like he was alone, except, tho I find myself wishing for company, I avoid people.

I made it thru another year - or did I? What has changed?

My therapist, Mr.S often side tracks my pity party by saying, "Well, look! You're here, you made it thru!"  But did I?

Mr.S also often compares time frames, "Just look where you are now, compared to when you first came to see me."  Okay, let's compare:
THEN             -                 NOW
Married                            Divorced
College                            Employed
afraid                               afraid
missing time                     missing time
able to socialize               avoiding people
had friends                      no friends 
no boundaries                  boundaries  (too many maybe)
ptsd/did                           ptsd/did
part of family                    they don't like me any more
demons in my sleep         no more demons, well, not many

Okay, you get it. Not too great. I feel as if nothing has changed much except for the things I didn't want to change. Such as being married and part of my own family. What's wrong here? I need to bring this to Mr.S. I hope this issue won't be one of those Things I Didn't Say posts.


Bee said...

After looking at the list you made of "Then & Now", I mentally started making my own list and I've found similar results... A lot of things have changed that I didn't want to change and other things have stayed the same. I think it would be a great idea for you to show that list to your T. Thanks for sharing this.


castorgirl said...

Ivory looking at your list, it made me wonder about how the different items on the list went together. The one that stuck out for me was your change in boundaries, when you do start establishing boundaries, it often doesn't go down well with friends who are used to you being a way they prefer, but isn't healthy for you. Is that the case here? I'm just wondering if this is part of the process, and you're on your way to a better space and place within your life.

I don't know, but I suppose I'm holding onto some hope for you. I hope you take this to Mr S. and see what he says.

Take care,

Grace said...

Oh Sweet Ivory, I'm so sorry you were alone...and in the middle of a blizzard! I sure understand the *wish* for company but the *need* to avoid people. Do you find it's an easier way to stay "safe"? I know I do.
I'm thinking of you tonight...I hope you're at least feeling warm and safe...Grace

Ivory said...

Bee, my list is sort of a downer, but I was depressed when I wrote it. I think I've made some progress, I'm just not patient.

Grace, yes, being alone keeps me safe and that's the problem. I'm so torn between needing human closeness and fearing the hurt it may cause - mostly if I dissociate and someone notices.

Ivory said...

Castorgirl, I love your insight. I actually cried when I read this because I didn't think of losing my friends as being "their" issue with my boundaries! It makes me feel much better and now I am sure I will bring this issue to my next session.

Kerro said...

You know, Ivory, I reckon Castorgirl is right. Sometimes when we start healing, we have to cast off old things in order to grow. The boundaries and friends (even family) are good examples of this. This also happened to me, and while it felt "icky", there was part of me that knew it was a good thing.

I hope you do take this to your next session with Mr S.

Hugs to you.

Ivory said...

I have decided to let Mr.S know how I'm feeling and seeing (or not) my progress. Thank you so much for caring.

Michael Finley said...

I thought longer about this comment than any other.

It seems to me that making it through is not enough and is limiting if set as a goal.

This is not to say that at times that is the only goal possible rather it can become the goal and therefore the result.

Ivory said...

You aren't one of my alters, signing on and articulating my real feelings from some obscure place in my reality, are you? Just kidding. What I mean is that often, you are able to say what I struggle to say. But, yeah, it's that T says, "you made it thru, you're here," as if that is my only goal! Thank you so much! Will all this input, I'm taking notes and saying all this to Mr.S!

Gosh, this is wonderful! Thank you guys!

Paul said...

Wow! What an awesome list of accomplishments! Good for you. Happy New Year!

Exhale said...

Hope this year brings much happiness into your life and that you meet new health friends who will honor and respect your boundaries.

Ivory said...

Paul and Exhale,
Thank you so much. I always come back to re read comments because I find comfort in them - sort of like saving up my pennies, except they are silver dollars.

lifemultiplied said...

Hmmm, everyone already said what I thought of. Guess great minds really do think alike. And I'm cracking up about "minds," under our many circumstances.


Just Be Real said...

Ivory interesting list. The comparisons are interesting and similar from the then and now. Opposites. I do see progress through. Sharing with Mr. S is probably good. Thank you for sharing with us all. Blessings.

Shen said...

The first two things that came to mind in reading this are: "I'm going to make a list of my own" and "I know that alone feeling all too well."

I think there is a transition period... maybe you are like the catterpillar and this is the phase in which you move into a caccoon? It would be more isolating, but what emerges is the true self, the one you were always meant to be.

I once read that the average time it takes for one to "heal" (and how does one define that?) from childhood trauma is nine years of therapy with follow-up appointments for another 18 months. I read this early on (and honestly I don't remember where or know how true the figure is) and it was so disconcerting.

Now, after almost four years of therapy I truly hope I am not less than half way there.

The point of this wasn't to discourage you - it was to help you see that you are not alone. It took time for your family to pull you away from where you were meant to be; it will take time to bring you back.

Ivory said...

Michelle, :) yes, minds is quite an understatement, given the circumstances.

JBR: Similar. That's why I'm upset. I guess I'm in a hurry and they seem just a bit too similar for me to believe I've made progress.

Shen, Because the mention of "transition period" has been coming up in these comments, I've begun to feel a bit better. But what helps is knowing that I am not alone - I was beginning to think that maybe Mr.S is not so great after all, but maybe he gets to keep his greatness status after all. :)