Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Clueless, But.... Part 2

Last time:

He told me that he is probably leaving his practice and will be working for a large agency about 50 miles away. Oh, he promised that he will still be able to see me, but... 

In that tiny moment of silence between when Mr.S told me his new plans, and when I began to shut down, Mr.S began to speak quickly as if to stave off the inevitable implosion he knew was next.

He felt the need to explain why he made this decision - in many ways. Truth is, I totally get it. It makes sense that he would take that job for the better of his future. I told him he'd be crazy not to take it.

After all, there is a part of me who understands that I cannot be a catalyst to any personal decision Mr.S makes. I am selfish enough tho to want a little more consideration. For nearly 2 hours, I sat there, totally forcing myself to say all the things I went to say and I was so proud of myself. I wanted more from my therapy and I'd managed to ask for it - or so I'd thot. Maybe not, now I don't know.

After saying all that, Mr.S then shared his news. I was devastated. I'd just shared a request for changing the direction of my therapy, and he was telling me there may not be any more.  --- But with that statement, let me elucidate: Mr.S DID tell me he would still be able to see me. Mr.S DID tell me I would still have access to his personal cell number. He DID tell me not to worry because my sessions would just be in a different building in a different room (maybe on Saturday). He DID try to suppress my fears and concerns.

But at the same time, the part of me who is quick on her thinking feet, calculated: Okay, Mr.S lives 10 miles east of where I live. He will be driving 45 miles further east to work each day. That means he will not be getting to his home town until nearly 6 each day. I work for the government, he will be too, and I know that he will be exhausted at the end of each day, not good an environment for doing therapy. I also know that I cannot expect him to give up time on one of his days off (Saturday). Every avenue I look at this from, it spells guilt (for me), or no time for him to see me.

As I was leaving his office, he wrote up my receipt, I took it and asked if we should make another appointment. He didn't look up at me, but said, "Okay, if you want to."  I made the appt but I'm not sure I'll go. I think he's done with me and wanting to "move on".

There isn't anyone else here in my little town that I can see and I can't afford to drive an hour to see someone else who will charge me $150 per 50 minutes.

I feel thrown away. I shouldn't, but I do. All the excitement of moving forward with a new direction of therapy is collapsed and laying in shards at my feet.

10 comments:

Missing In Sight said...

Ivory,

Feelings aren't rational, so please try not to be critical of yourselves for not wanting Mr. S to make this personal decision.

Let this play out. If he agrees to see you on Saturday, then don't caretake him and feel guilty that he's working on Saturday or late during the week to accommodate you.

Mr. S sounds like a good therapist and you deserve one. Don't derail this. Go to your next appointment and continue this dialogue with him. Give him a chance. Give the new situation a chance.

Ivory said...

Missing In Sight, I haven't cried all day, till I read this. What an eye opener. I think this is what my daughter has been trying to tell me: Not to "caretake" him. Which is exactly what I've been doing. There is soooo much emotion tied up in all this.

Kerro said...

I agree with Missing In Sight. Great insight - no pun intended! :)

Just Be Real said...

Oh dear one, I am sooooo truly sorry...... (((((Ivory)))))

I agree for you to go to your next appt. Try it. If not, at least you can have a closure visit. But, I think you will be surprised though.

Praying for you dear.

Ivory said...

Thanks Kerro and JBR! I am beginning to waffle. That means I'm more upset than even I thot. Too much random emotion interference.

Grace said...

Oh Ivory, I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say and there probably isn't anything I can say that will make you feel better. I know I would feel the same way... I fear this same thing.
Im thinking of you.... I know u trust him and I also know he cares for u a great deal. I'm hoping it will work out.
Safe hugs to you.... Grace

Exhale said...

Sorry your going through this....

Just Be Real said...

Ivory, I simply loved what you posted on my blog tonight. Appreciate your input very much, thank you dear!

castorgirl said...

Wow, what a tough situation Ivory. I know this sort of thing would trigger all those old feelings of abandonment and being a bother. It's difficult, really difficult. But try to remember that Mr S. is still saying that he wants to keep your therapeutic relationship going.

All I can think of is two things...

1 - I totally agree with Missing in Sight and the others, go to that next session and talk through what this will mean for you both. Therapists are trained in maintaining boundaries and knowing what they are capable of, let Mr S. show that to you.

2 - You had a great insight a few days ago about wanting to change the direction of your therapy. I wonder if the change of office would help that change of direction? I know that may seem harsh, but I'm trying to look at the positives. It might be that the change of office might help you change other things too. You'll still have Mr S. there as a constant, and I imagine he'll take some of the items from his current office into the new one. So it won't be a total change. Yet, I know to parts of the system, it will seem like a total change.

Please go along to the session and see what happens...

Sending positive thoughts your way,
CG

Shen said...

First of all - I totally get why you feel so upset. I feel upset when my therapist changes anything. I need to know I can count on her, so even a small shift - like when she asked me to shift my appt an hour later - makes me feel crazy, alone, angry... and then I beat myself up for how I feel because it seems so ridiculous.

You should not feel guilty for taking time on his "day off" if he offers it. Therapists should know how to set boundaries that work for them, and if it is saying he will make the time for you on a saturday, then take it and don't feel bad. You've done nothing wrong. He's taken on the responsibility of working with you. He is telling you he wants to keep taking that responsibility.


I'm so sorry this has you feeling like you're on shaky ground. I hope it resolves itself with minimal further shakiness.