Sunday, January 9, 2011

Better Therapy, Better Living

Of all the comments I've received on ALL the posts I've written, I believe those on my last post, Made It Thru Another Year, have had the biggest impact on helping me understand my situation with dissociative identity disorder.

Since beginning therapy six years ago, everything has been focused on "healing".
What exactly is that?

Healing is too broad a term for me. I can't define it enough to "go after it". Some of you, tho, HAVE been able to define it and you are moving toward it. Every story I read about success, either in integration, or talking to littles (or other selves), has made me reassess my own therapy, my own life, and what I expect from healing. Sadly, every time I did that, I felt worse about myself.

I have decided that it's not healing, per se, that I'm going to focus on. I am not going to focus on healing because healing often includes the kind of change I can't give it, such as integration. I'm pretty sure that will not happen, yet, I kept trying to create it.

Before I began therapy, I didn't know I was broken! Sounds odd, but tho I was aware things had gone wrong in the recent years, I was not aware I had alters. I knew I had "Colors", I knew people and things in my life were sometimes very confusing. I grew up that way - I thot everyone was just like me.

My therapy all this time has seemed to follow the belief that, "I made it," or "I'm still here," but not coping with the situations.

So, what I'm going to do is focus on coping. On peacefulness. On finding happy places. And getting back to living instead of trying to fit in that square hole that the rest of society fits into. Sounds like a plan.


Exhale said...

just finished reading your post and thought maybe the word "healing" is triggering for you, try replacing it with another like "healthy" helped me.

castorgirl said...

Sounds like a great plan :)

Kerro said...

I think that sounds like a great plan, Ivory! :)

I didn't know I was "broken" before I went to therapy either. And for a long time I struggled with "healing" - why wasn't I *healed* ALREADY?? - and then, like you, I started focussing on things that seemed more tangible to me, and more manageable. Suddenly I saw progress. I hope it's the same for you. :)

Just Be Real said...

Ivory interesting way of looking at your t. I like it. Even though I do not suffer as you do, just coping day to day is our biggest challenge. Appreciate you sharing dear one, and thank you. Blessings.

Ivory said...

Exhale, healthy is a MUCH better word!

Castorgirl, Thanks, I hope it works!

Kerro, wow, again, I thot there was something wrong with me because it seems I was the only one out here who didn't know they had alters from the start. Not that I'm glad you didn't know, but it makes me feel better. :)

JBR: You are welcome! There are many times I read your posts and can't reply because I know how difficult "coping" is some days.

Grace said...

Sounds like a great "plan" indeed! I hope you do find "coping" and moments of happiness.
It feels sad, when we say that, "Made it through another year..." doesn't it? Like it was a "chore". But it often feels that way. I hope your new plan makes it feel less like a chore and more like what living is supposed to be like.

Bee said...

I didn't know I had "alters" either... I just thought I had several imaginary friends that only I had access to. It seems silly now but I guess that was the only way I knew how to explain it to myself.

I find that the word "healing" is triggering for me sometimes so my T came up with the idea for me working towards being "healthy". For me that is a safer word and it seems a little bit easier to accomplish than "healing".

Thanks for sharing :)


Missing In Sight said...

Sounds like a plan to me! I love it!

Ivory said...

Grace, it has indeed felt like a chore! Maybe that's why I have been not wanting to go. Good way to put it for my next session!

Bee, thanks for letting me know that, you too, didn't know about your alters. For some reason, thinking I was the only one (stupid me...) who didn't know I had alters was very disturbing to me.

Thanks, MissingInSight!

Michael Finley said...

I did not come to understand that I was multiple rather that everyone was not.

Once I knew that everyone was not than it was easy to go back and see the different handwriting and such so there was no denial possible which is an advantage I think.

I quit therapy for a while and then went back with the goal to die a happy old man. Little did I know what I was going to go through.

Sometime along the way I figured out I did not want to wait until I was an old man.

I sometimes go with healthier. That way I do not get tied up in trying to do everything I can think of to be healthy.

I like your plan and betting on two things. One you will succeed and the other it will be hard work.