Of all the comments I've received on ALL the posts I've written, I believe those on my last post, Made It Thru Another Year, have had the biggest impact on helping me understand my situation with dissociative identity disorder.
Since beginning therapy six years ago, everything has been focused on "healing".
What exactly is that?
Healing is too broad a term for me. I can't define it enough to "go after it". Some of you, tho, HAVE been able to define it and you are moving toward it. Every story I read about success, either in integration, or talking to littles (or other selves), has made me reassess my own therapy, my own life, and what I expect from healing. Sadly, every time I did that, I felt worse about myself.
I have decided that it's not healing, per se, that I'm going to focus on. I am not going to focus on healing because healing often includes the kind of change I can't give it, such as integration. I'm pretty sure that will not happen, yet, I kept trying to create it.
Before I began therapy, I didn't know I was broken! Sounds odd, but tho I was aware things had gone wrong in the recent years, I was not aware I had alters. I knew I had "Colors", I knew people and things in my life were sometimes very confusing. I grew up that way - I thot everyone was just like me.
My therapy all this time has seemed to follow the belief that, "I made it," or "I'm still here," but not coping with the situations.
So, what I'm going to do is focus on coping. On peacefulness. On finding happy places. And getting back to living instead of trying to fit in that square hole that the rest of society fits into. Sounds like a plan.