Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Things I Didn't Say

Well, this is another one of those posts where I, ummm, sort of say, "Bless me T, for I have sinned."

Well, I haven't sinned, I just didn't say the things I should have said in my therapy session yesterday, so, I've pretty much wasted my money.

What I didn't say:

    1) After coming home from my brother's house on Christmas Eve, I not only cried myself to sleep, I silently wished I'd never wake up.
    2) I cried myself to sleep the next night, too.
    3) I mentioned the emotional box I had wrapped up tight and sealed with tape. What I didn't say was that inside that box was a little girl who wanted to cut me up for buzzard bait.
    4) I didn't say that I'm desperate to erase my past - again, and that I find myself wanting to go back and change history.
    5) I didn't say this because I don't want to be crazy, or locked up, or left completely alone. I'm so alone. There is absolutely no one to talk to, no one to share anything with. I don't feel as if I really exist - I must be someone's dream, or a flake of neural matter that has managed to feel enough static electricity to call it a life.


kerroskorner said...

One thing's for sure, Ivory - you are not alone, never alone while I'm sitting here. I know it's not the same, and I know too well that feeling of being alone, but really, you're not. ((hugs))

Exhale said...

Try not to beat your selves up for what you didn't say, if it helps try writing a letter of what you wish you had said and then say it on paper...sometimes that helps us.
Sorry that you've had a tough week.

Just Be Real said...

Hearing you Ivory.

Ivory said...

Thanks, Kerro. When I read your last post, I was reminded of several things and I'm so glad I read it.

Exhale, Someone once asked me, "Well, If you don't tell him, how is he supposed to help you?"
So therein lies the problem. I feel like I've lied by ommision or something!

Thanks, JBR!! Knowing you all are out there is a warm fuzzy.

Bee said...

Whenever something is really truly bothering me, I always end up keeping it from my T. I end up just telling her a bunch of little things that don't really matter because I'm afraid of what she would do with the information that I'm not saying out loud. I'm sorry things are so tough right now... You're definitely not alone. {{{hugs}}}


Paul said...

Try not to beat yourself up too much. You didn't say these things for a reason. Maybe it wasn't the right time. You will in time when you are ready.

Journal Of Healing said...

I've heard it said that not telling the whole truth is not lying, it's telling how much you felt safe to tell. Just a thought.