Thursday, December 9, 2010

Little Drummer Girl

I want to throw up  :(

In a few days, my new daughter will have a birthday. For over 30 years, I've learned to hate December along with everything it stands for.

My arms ached to hold her.
December has brought on the emptiness and loneliness that tears at my heart and makes the world a horrible place to be.

Since finding her, I've had mondo issues trying to come to the realization that she is all grown up and not that little bitty baby I saw just before she was taken away. Anyway...

I've had a birthday gift for her for 3 months. All it needed was the wrapping paper and me to tape the box shut tight and put it in the mail. I've waited so long, it may not get there on time.

For some reason, every time I've thot of wrapping it and getting it ready to mail, I've gotten sick to my stomach. This evening, I've waited until an hour and a half past my bedtime before actually getting started. I have to mail it tomorrow.

It's in the box all wrapped so pretty. The birthday card is securely taped to it with my message all neatly written inside.

So why am I so sick? My stomach is churning, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I'm so groggy I can barely write this.

11 comments:

Just Be Real said...

(((((Ivory)))))

fromthesamesky said...

Ivory, it's not surprising that this is very painful for you. Even though your daughter is 'back' in your life, that doesn't take away the huge loss of not having her for so long, the questioning about whether you'd be closer if she had stayed with you, the pain of not holding her as a baby, etc etc.

All these things are still going to get triggered on her birthday.

Big hugs and lots of love and strength to you,

xx

Michael Finley said...

I do not know why you want to throw up. I so wish I had the answer even a wrong one.

Take care,
Michael

Grace said...

(((IVORY))))

Exhale said...

I feel for you...one step at a time. I get the sickness when I feel a lot of stress, just keep taking deep breaths. Your in my thoughts

Bee said...

{{{{{{{Ivory}}}}}}}

castorgirl said...

I agree with thesamesky, there is so much grief to work through...

Go gently on yourself...
Sending positive thoughts and warm safe hugs your way,
CG

Missing In Sight said...

{{{{{Ivory}}}}}

Paul said...

I'm so sorry Ivory.

Ivory said...

Thanks, everyone. I finally mailed it and was sick all night. But she got it - and love it. You all are so wonderfully supportive!

Michael Finley said...

Hey Ivory,

This is a I noticed thing and may be just about me.

When I read. "Little Drummer Girl" I saw the drawing of the little match girl from "The little girl with match sticks" by Hans Christian Anderson and started crying.