Friday, December 17, 2010

Blender Effect

Have you ever had a person in your life, that you care about who always begins a conversation with, "Okay, if I talk about [this], you can't say [that], cause I already know what you're thinking and I don't want to hear it, okay? deal?"

or...

"Can I say something?" [yes] "I know it will make you mad at me, but I don't care, but don't think it the bad way, okay? And if you get upset with me just don't let me know, okay? Or I won't talk about it."

I usually don't ask her to talk about "it" in the first place. She always controls a conversation this way, with conditions and provisions. I don't like it - not one bit. I know she's insecure, but seriously? How can anyone build a relationship with communications like that?

My daughter makes me feel as if I'm in a blender every time I talk to her. I'm not saying this just to complain, I need to find a way to work thru it - or get HER to work thru it.

7 comments:

Michael Finley said...

Yes I have these conversations and no I do not yet have a solution.

It feels like I find and inroad to change and they just come up with another tact. I do not feel it is malicious in some cases it is how they feel they are in control.

I do work on No. It then changes from being aggravated that the conversation is being controlled to being aggravated that I am having to work on No.

I pretty much try to express I do not want to continue. I try and keep it simple. You do not know what I am thinking and I am done with that. You get to pick your questions I will pick how I answer.

A lot of it is not wanting to hurt or anger. I do not like when I am "shut off" and do not like to do it to other people. It is a case of which not good conversation do I want.

I have found that they do not go away once they can not control. They may for a while they seem to come back. Sometimes it is best not to deal with people like that at all.

I also say. You can make up what ever you want. When you do I have to choices to ignore you or correct you I don't want to do either.

lifemultiplied said...

That would be SO frustrating! I hope it gets better somehow, Ivory.

Ethereal Highway said...

Remember how much power you have as her mother. Perhaps, even though she loves you, she is scared to talk about certain things. I think the worst thing that can happen to a child is to feel as if their mother may disapprove of them. And yes, I might be annoyed if those kinds of prefaces came from anyone other than my own child. She obviously needs your approval when she does that. Mothers are very powerful. Use your power to infuse her with love and acceptance. Being an adult does not necessarily erase the need for love and acceptance from mother.

Ivory said...

Michael, I don't like to be shut off, either. It makes me feel as if I'm going to scream! But, I am working on it (and her).


LifeMultiplied, Thanks for your support!


Etheral Highway, You are so right. I need to remember to be patient with her and yes, she is very worried that I will not approve. She has already voiced that.

Exhale said...

Thinking of you...Love the new look of your blog. Hope you have a break through in your onversations with your daughter soon.

Michael Finley said...

I am an ass.

I missed that it is your daughter.

Sorry bout dat.

Just Be Real said...

Ivory, thinking about you.