Like the first few lines of the chorus of Kelly Clarkson's, Because of You, I can't seem to let go of my therapist, Mr.S.
Here are the lines:
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you...
...I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out...
The rest of the song obviously doesn't fit, but I have that first part for his personal ring-tone. Okay, here's the problem. This is directly linked (in every way) to my previous post, How Much Healing? For the last couple of months I've been thinking about cutting back the amount of theapy I get. Now, I go every week for at least an hour, most times 2 hours. Because of Mr.S, I've been safe, I've found safety and learned how to cope.
More times than not, I have been not wanting to go, but I never cancel. I've tried. I've cancelled and then something always "comes up". The problem is legit, but not big enough (usually) to have to go see Mr.S about it. So, I concocked this plan and if I lose my way, it won't be long before he points it out...
Mr.S and I have talked about the time when I would want to begin to sever the therapy relationship. At the time he first brought it up, my Colors spun out of control and made us both miserable for weeks. Mr.S said it was their way of telling us they felt abandoned by him. Okay, I can see that. That was 2 years ago - I'm still on the safe side of the sidewalk, but still in therapy, too.
After many times, at Mr.Ss suggestion, trying to cancel or not schedule an appointment and all of them failures, I decided that maybe I should be the one to do the abandoning and then, maybe, my Colors wouldn't react so strongly. I didn't say a word to Mr.S last Monday other than to softly say that I was fine and probably didn't need to come in the following week. I actually thot I'd gotten away with it.
The very next day I was agonizing about being adrift w/o help, w/o someone to listen, w/o his wisdom. I didn't go in, but I emailed him. He had a suggestion to try. It helped a little but I'm determined not to go in and told him that.
I'm still on the safe side so I won't get hurt, but I miss him already. I never felt alone with this thing that I am. It doesn't matter who does the abandoning, I'm the one w/o, but I'm determined to walk away, just far enough to say I've strayed too far from the sidewalk - and found life.
Dude! Seriously! I'm only talking about going to therapy every OTHER week instead of every week! Sheese! It can't be that hard!