Thursday, November 18, 2010

I Want to Abandon Him

Like the first few lines of the chorus of Kelly Clarkson's, Because of You, I can't seem to let go of my therapist, Mr.S.
Here are the lines:

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you...
...I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out...

The rest of the song obviously doesn't fit, but I have that first part for his personal ring-tone. Okay, here's the problem. This is directly linked (in every way) to my previous post, How Much Healing? For the last couple of months I've been thinking about cutting back the amount of theapy I get. Now, I go every week for at least an hour, most times 2 hours. Because of Mr.S, I've been safe, I've found safety and learned how to cope.

More times than not, I have been not wanting to go, but I never cancel. I've tried. I've cancelled and then something always "comes up". The problem is legit, but not big enough (usually) to have to go see Mr.S about it. So, I concocked this plan and if I lose my way, it won't be long before he points it out...

Mr.S and I have talked about the time when I would want to begin to sever the therapy relationship. At the time he first brought it up, my Colors spun out of control and made us both miserable for weeks. Mr.S said it was their way of telling us they felt abandoned by him. Okay, I can see that. That was 2 years ago - I'm still on the safe side of the sidewalk, but still in therapy, too.

After many times, at Mr.Ss suggestion, trying to cancel or not schedule an appointment and all of them failures, I decided that maybe I should be the one to do the abandoning and then, maybe, my Colors wouldn't react so strongly. I didn't say a word to Mr.S last Monday other than to softly say that I was fine and probably didn't need to come in the following week. I actually thot I'd gotten away with it.

The very next day I was agonizing about being adrift w/o help, w/o someone to listen, w/o his wisdom. I didn't go in, but I emailed him. He had a suggestion to try. It helped a little but I'm determined not to go in and told him that.

I'm still on the safe side so I won't get hurt, but I miss him already. I never felt alone with this thing that I am. It doesn't matter who does the abandoning, I'm the one w/o, but I'm determined to walk away, just far enough to say I've strayed too far from the sidewalk - and found life.

Dude! Seriously! I'm only talking about going to therapy every OTHER week instead of every week! Sheese! It can't be that hard!


Kerro said...

Hi Ivory - you made me chuckle with that last line, LOL. Seriously, though, I really feel for you - my "colours" go completely out of whack whenever I think about ending or spacing out or whatever. Thankfully the Wonder Therapist says I don't need to think about that right now, so I don't.

I was also struck by the meaning you found in Clarkson's lyrics... funny, I always think of my abusers when I hear that part. Like they stopped me from living, if that makes sense.

((hugs)) for you.

Just Be Real said...

(((((Ivory)))) Here listening dear one....

Ivory said...

Kerro - Clarkson's song IS about abuse and oppression. For me, the lines I posted tell a different story. Mr.S helped keep me safe when I couldn't do it for myself and helped me to find the right side of the sidewalk until I could do it for myself.

JBR - Thanks girlfriend!

Michael Finley said...

It was hard for me.

I did not know this till this minute. I took piano lessons from my therapist. This was a test. We stopped and then we stopped the piano and went to once a week.

It is hard. I know that I needed twice a week for years. I can not really say why. I don't know if it slowed down the work or let me keep up.

I have seen her once a week for about a year. Even thinking about twice a week starts me thinking that might be a good idea.

It is hard.

Ivory said...

Michael, oh I thot for a few years that I simply couldn't live with out him (only in a theraputic way)! He would occasionally bring up trying to cut back and I tried, I just couldn't do it and he is so patient. He told me that one day, I would want to move on. I think I'm there - but you are SO right - it is very hard.

castorgirl said...

This was a really strong and brave move Ivory... really strong. You took the initiative which was amazing and you trialled it.

I'm not sure about you, but I feel comfort in routine and knowing someone is there. So yes, going from weekly to fortnightly will feel scary, just from a routine point of view. Then getting through the extra week can make you feel really shaky... I often read of other survivors who describe a feeling of grieving on the day and time of the usual appointment time.

So, you're not being silly. You're being brave. You can also go back to weekly if needed, or you can keep going with the fortnightly and see what happens...

Take care,

fromthesamesky said...

This sounds really hard! But you should only do it when you are ready, I don't think it is good to force yourself to leave before you are ready for it.

I also think it is ok to use the sessions to do some grieving about leaving.

Ivory said...

Castorgirl, I think you said it - "... knowing someone is there." I don't have anyone else. Literally, no one else to turn to. I can't dump my problems on my daughter like I've had to in the past, so I think that's what makes this so difficult.

SameSky, I must be ready for this because I have so little to talk about recently in my sessions. I'm coping better and I really need to save the money. I just didn't realize it would be so hard.

Vague said...

i have close people out of town cuz someone they knew died. they dont know when they will be back. i feel a loss, like they died and wont be back. theyll probably be back in the next week or two. but still.

Ivory said...

Abandonment - so many of us suffer from that. It's sad. I hope your friends come back soon!