Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Don't Risk The Bloom

I just read a post by Hope about the anxiety of having angry parts making her feel hopless. It brings to mind - me, several months ago. I have two quotes for anger. The first is:

A large part of mankind is angry not with the sins, but with the sinners.                ...Lucius Annaeus Seneca

When healing from childhood sexual/ritualistic abuse began about a year ago, I was very angry. So angry that my alters, especially one, would cut me. I spent years trying to figure out why I would wake up in the middle of the night, my arms itching and my fingernails sticky and red. The razor cuts made earlier in the evening would sting as I slept and in my sleep, I would scratch them open again. It made me feel horrible, dirty, and weak.

Two of my Colors (alters) in particular were so very angry. The youngest would cut me at the first sign of my stress or worry. My worried/agitated state would cause her great fear, then anger (directed at me). Her purpose was to protect another Color from my waves of anxiety. One day, when Mr. S threatened to send me (us) to a Dr. who would take measures to see that I stopped hurting myself, Smoke came into the session and poured out her heart.

I don't know all that was said to Mr. S that day, but he told me that for months, he had intentionally discouraged my alters from showing themselves and in the process, he muzzled them - much like taping their mouths shut. In some cases, I guess that's what would be best, but not for me. After Smoke shared her grief, he shared some of it with me and my life began to brighten.

Now, when my life gets hard to control, or I get too upset, afraid, or stressed, we encourage Smoke to come into my session and share her feelings. It's made a huge difference in my life - in my healing. So my best encouragement to anyone who has angry/fearful/stressed/anxious alters, consider allowing them the very freedom you have - give them a session of their own and see what happens. We expect to be heard - isn't it time we allow our alters to be heard?

Here is the second quote (my mantra, actually):

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ...Anais Nin

2 comments:

fromthesamesky said...

Great post Ivory. I agree, every part needs a voice.
xx

Michael Finley said...

When I am coherent which happens despite my best attempts to prevent it. I know that there is going to be expression and the form it takes will not be what is wanted if I or anyone else tries and prevent it.

That being said it is very very difficult to create a situation where some can express. Not only are they inexperienced at expressing the rest of us are inexperienced at listening. That and no one "wants" to have what we have to express.

It is hard to attempt to create a situation where some can express and when they do it changes everything and we have to deal with that and the energy that was spent for them to express.

It is devastating when one thinks they are going to be able to express and then it gets messed up.

I so like the idea that you express your emotions and a weight is lifted off your shoulders. That does happen. Then there is the normal let down and then it is off to the next horror to be expressed. Or go over a horror as it was not able to be cone completely.

Sometimes it feels like all we do is do better so we can do harder work. It seems like that because that is the way it is.

One thing that I have come to understand is that it is during the "anniversary" or after a "trigger" that the urge is greatest to express and that is when we are not in good shape to express.

We have learned during the anniversary or when triggered that we can find out what is wrong and not do the work right them. Knowing what it was about and "remembering" so we could do the work later was not possible. We know how to "forget"

For us it is not just that traumatic memories are not in our consciousness. Not much was in our consciousness. The volume of information that goes through our brain is enormous.

Through drawing I can go to anytime in my life. I still never know what I am going to find or how much work it is going to be to deal with.