Sunday, November 14, 2010

How Much Healing?

How much "healing" do we need? Seriously.

I've asked before. I need to know.

It seems the more I try to heal, the worse everything is, so, again, here is my own personal outlook.

When I was younger (well, not too much younger) things were fine. I had what I thought was normal life issues and problems and then, one day, I realized that I was different.

That set into motion the making of the Great Black Hole that I trip and fall into occasionally. The vortex is a great sucking worm of which knows all my secrets and tries desperately to play upon them. It takes me weeks to work myself up to the strength it takes to crawl out of the hole and become "normal" again.

The problem is that I keep being slipped up by trying to be what everyone else's idea of normal is, instead of what MY normal is. I've decided I have to be who I am.

Okay, here is the issue driving today's train of thought:

A year ago, my niece shared with me that my Ex (her uncle by blood), introduced his new girlfriend to the family before our divorce was final. I'll call her HO. At the time, HO had 3 kids living at home. Boy A, 12; Girl B, 8; and Girl C, 6. My niece told me that before they were married, her little boy (almost 2) was in a bedroom/playroom with Girls B and C for a short time before her son began to fuss and cry. Later that night, he kept trying to tell her that his bottom hurt. She saw "signs" and took him to the Dr. the very next day. The Dr. said there was physical evidence of attempted sodomizing. The police were notified. Know what was done?


The police explained that because my great nephew was 2 weeks shy of his second birthday, they could not "believe" him or take his word for who did it to him, tho clearly, he said the girls names.


Can a child not know pain and fear before that? Are they nuts? Instead of validating the issue, it was cast off and the parents have since divorced. The dad to my great nephew couldn't handle a family who could stand behind my ex and HO and not forbid them from allowing those children to be around other children. You ask, "What did HO say about it?"

"Oh, you're just getting all worked up. It's not a big deal, happens to everyone." (It being sexual abuse).

So, my point is that my nephew and his parents were told to cope - "that's just how things are." Well, it's not how things are, that's backwards. HO's kids should have been forced into therapy, along with my ex and their mother BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT'S NOT NORMAL - NOT PEOPLE LIKE ME!


Michael Finley said...

How much healing is a question I often ask. Most of the time I can go with I will know. Some things for me are not an issue in the same way as they once were so I am done with them at least for now.

This may not be true for you. For me before the memories came into my consciousness things were "better" in many ways. They were not fine it was all I knew. I was not happy.

I had a huge issue with professionals and the world judging my knowledge and abilities out side of the context of healing. Many things are hard to do while doing the work of healing. That does not mean I need to be taught to do what I already know. i needed to know what I was doing was hard.

What drives me to heal is not getting rid of symptoms. It is that I want to be me.

"The cops don't need you and man they expect the same" Dylan.

I saw a policeman driving yesterday without a cell phone in his ear. Very rare.

Society is not about self by nature. Webster created a school system to make better citizens and that is what schools do. The concept of a better citizen often seen as be like a teacher.

The world is fucked up most people can dissociate from that better than I. I dissociate from self better than most people.

fromthesamesky said...

I agree with you completely regarding the little boy. His complaint deserves to be taken seriously. The police should have done so. It is NOT ok, or normal in any way whatsoever!

castorgirl said...

Did anyone ask why those children know such graphically sexual things at that age?

Sounds like a very dysfunctional situation...

Kerro said...

I ask this question, too. In many ways, I am "better" than I was - and in other ways, I'm a loooong way from being "better".

I think all we can do is try to be satisfied with each step we make. I try to, but I slip sometimes and think that "healing" is a mile away. It's not. We're doing it every day. :)

Ivory said...

Michael, I have an issue, too, with "professionals" judging me. I realize that someone had to be in place to judge - in the beginning, but as I've recovered I realize I am able to judge for myself.

SameSky, The family was told that a complaint like that is NOT taken seriously unless the boy is at least 2 years old - otherwise they don't believe the child is able to convey the truth. Ummm. Not true.

Castorgirl, my point especially! No one that I'm aware of (and I work for Social Services) checked into the other kids. Talk about broken, the system is broken.

Kerro, I agree. I'm thinking that I have only me to rely on to know just how much I've healed, or how far I've come. My T believes I've come a VERY long way. I have to agree with him, too.

Kerro said...

Ivory - that is so fantastic that you can recognise your progress! I think that's one of the biggest steps we can make. Well done, you! :)