Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Holiday Season Again

My mother has again asked me to type up her Christmas letter. She doesn't like to "bother" the others. Also, they don't do it as well as I do.  :)


Anyway, my point is while typing it up from her notes, I found myself trying to change the grammar and verbiage so it doesn't always read, "…is going to school and liking it." Lame. My mother has 11 grandkids and 13 great grandkids - several of them are in school and she wrote the same for many of them.

Also while typing this letter, my thoughts wandered and thought of how Mom always uses her children, grands, and greats to identify herself by. She has no identity of her own. Three years after my dad died she still couldn't use her first name when signing a check. She thought no one would know who she was.

In her Christmas letters, Mom never says anything about herself, she never tells her friends/family anything that she done or experienced in the last year. That is so pathetic and sad, yet I feel bad for her. I don't want to be like her. I'm wondering if that's what got me abused - she wanted someone to think highly of her for "complying" with their wishes.  Was she trying to get some attention for herself? Lord knows my father had a strong wonderful presense and back then, most wives were little more than maids.

Did she want to feel important, be important? Was it so great that she allowed me to be used and sold? Did she know what was happening to me? Did she care? I don't know that she had any prior knowledge, I'm just speculating, like I always do this time of year.

I feel like throwing up.

4 comments:

castorgirl said...

Hi Ivory,

Do you want to do the letter for your mother?

You have a life and an identity, that will mean you'll always have interesting Christmas letters :)

Take care,
CG

Ivory said...

I don't mind doing the letter. It's just that, well, I do a very professional job - I edit all the pictures, take heads off off pics that are better and put them in the photo, lighten faces under caps, add new children to family photos, etc. I don't just type it up and print it off. Even the font is specialized. It never fails that someone will make a favorible comment and I found out that my mother doesn't tell them who creates them. She always tells when someone else does them, just not when I do them and she preferrs that I do them (or so she says). I am invisible.

Michael Finley said...

It is not fun to have something that is created disrespected.

My parents do the same thing only they attribute it to a different sibling. It is insane.

Even with the stories. It was my brother who made the cutting board, it was my brother who went up on the roof etc. It was not my brother.

The children did not take care of the flowers and the landscaping I did.

They say they they used to ski well. They sucked. I was good.

I know that it has nothing to do with me. The hurt has something to do with me.

I did three pumpkin pendents in glass and gave them away one to my mother. Two people will treasure them. My mother wants to know when I am going to make her a complete necklace.

Likely years from now one of my siblings will have made the pumpkin pendants.

My mother actually refers to me as her second child when speaking to me about me.

Ivory said...

Michael,
You definately understand. I've always worried that I am just being proud and jealous to want to be recognized from my mother, but I'm not normally that way, she has a way of always hurting my feelings.