I recently watched an Oprah show with 200 sexually abused men. On that episode, Oprah quoted someone who was on an earlier show. In that one statement, I found great healing:
"Forgiveness means letting go of the hope that my past could have been any different."
I've spent about 2 weeks letting that sentence roll around in my mind. It means something to me. It spoke to me in a way that nothing else has. I believe this sentence pulled together 6 years of therapy, allowing the words of my therapist, Mr.S, to finally hit the target.
I realize now that I, and many others like me, desperately and constantly want our sordid pasts to be something else (who wouldn’t).
- I always went on about what happened in the past and I realize now that I should be going on about what is in my future
- I was desperate to hide my past as if I could wipe if off the wall so no one can see it, but in reality, no one sees it unless I show it.
- Hope is an impossible emotion when I’m directing it behind me; hope is only for the future.
- I’ve been locked in that single nano-second of time when one recognizes total and complete loss, such as the death of a loved one, and I’m saying, “If I can go back to just a few seconds before... things would be different.” ... ...
I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm not sure I know what to do with all this understanding. I feel different, but weird, like I'm in yet another skin. I have therapy tomorrow. I'm afraid to go. Isn't that weird? If any of you were here with me, I'm sure I would be chattering like a monkey trying to explain this.
Here are a few other posts of mine that totally say that I'm living in the past:
God is Cruel, Sometimes, He Make Us Live
To Be Or Not To Be
Right As Rain
T, Are You Listening?
Forgiveness Doesn't Mean It Doesn't Matter