Sunday, October 31, 2010

What I Don't Talk About In Therapy - Scary Movies

My T has asked me several times why I watch "horrible" or "ghastly" or "ghoulish" or, well, just awful movies.



I'm drawn to them, but I tell him, "I just like mystery and suspense".  It's true, I do like mystery and suspense like the Die Hard movies, full of suspense - I love it. Or like Seven, The Shining, or Silence of the Lambs and Bourne Identity. Normally, I don't go for bloody movies - I can't handle it.


But


Mr. S keeps asking me why I watch those kinds of movies (a fav series of his are the Jason Bourne series). I think because he's a shrink, he automatically LOOKS for weirdness or things out of the ordinary and then tries to apply it to my situation. Well, he's often wrong. About the kinds of movie I watch, he's totally wrong. I've tried to tell him I don't watch the kinds of movies he thinks I do, but he doesn't believe me, I can tell.


What I don't talk about with Mr. S is that sometimes, I do watch movies about satanic stuff - scary as hell, but I seem to be drawn to them, too, like Rosemary's Baby and the Pit and the Pendulum with Vincent Price. I study them.
I've only just realized I'm looking for something. Looking for a connection to explain things.


What happened to me when I was 9 or 10 years old doesn't have any identifying markers like other bloggers/sexually abused stories. I can't say, "Oh, I understand THAT," because my experience was different. What happened to me didn't happen over and over - it was only one night. What happened to me was set up over a 2 year period (that I'm aware of).


I don't talk about why I watch those movies in therapy. I don't know why not.

8 comments:

Just Be Real said...

I used to be constantly hooked on scary movies until they began making them really gross now starting back in the 1970's. I cannot stomach the slaughter of another human being. I too would not want to talk and have not talked about scary movies in t. either.

Grace said...

That's interesting...I think I remember a discussion around this before (maybe last Hallow's eve). I do know why a younger part of me turns the tv to the chiller channel...

Ivory said...

JBR - I agree - the suspense went out and the fake blood and murder came in. Sickening.


Grace - Are you looking for a connection? Something similer? Or just understanding? Are you "flooding"? I am stumped by why I watch them.

Grace said...

Ivory, I watch them because that was the "ritual" of what happened when I was little. How it started - the "evening" of abuse. And now - mostly on Fridays - the "evening" must play out that way...and it must start with a scary movie...most times I don't even realize it's on the TV - sometimes I find myself there, in front of the TV in the middle of it. But that was how Fridays were for her(us). Scary movie-followed by abuse-followed by pancakes...every friday night...it was the same.

Just Be Real said...

Yeah that is a good way of putting it Ivory....guts and blood over a story plot of suspense.

Michael Finley said...

I do not watch scary movies. I did have experience with one cult who started their evening with movies.

I only remember one at this time and it must have been underground. A snuff film equivalent of the late 50's.

Another cults started with elaborate ceremonies contacting the dead lots of candles and such.

Another cult started with day time "activities" followed by a exorcism in which I was the victim and then a costume party and then the sexual abuse.

Very helpful to know that in a way they had a pregame warm up before there depravity. In a way they got the group into thinking what they were doing was OK.

My writing may seem flip. I am seeing them as an adult and not go to the experience as a child.

Ivory said...

Michael, You are not being flip. At some point, we have to turn around and see those things for what they really are - in the past. Your comment is what I'm talking about, tho, in that there was no "warm up", unless you call the previous 2 years their warm up, I had no warning that night was going to happen.

Michael Finley said...

Ivory,

The having no idea what is going to happen and they do is a different thing altogether.

I experienced abductions where I was taken off the street. For me this is a totally different experience. For me this was harder to live with. To know that with out warning I could be in a horrible situation. I came to live knowing that could happen and in a real way be prepared for it. That is where my hyper-vigilance came from.

I once read that some one experienced hyper-vigilance as a on and off again thing. For me that is impossible and is contrary to the definition of always being on guard.

I am sorry.