Friday, October 15, 2010

Another Shot of PTSD

I have to be to work at 8 am. It's now 3 am and I'm not very sleepy. Well, that's not entirely true, but I've tried several times to shut my spinning thots down and fall asleep. Not happening.

It's taken at least 3 hours for me to realize my problem is that the world has spun itself around and I am now forced to face yet another bitter shot of holidays. I was hoping this Christmas would be different, and it still might be, but I have to find a way past Thanksgiving first.

Every time my eyes close, I see myself in the midst of my family for Thanksgiving - the way we used to be and now it's the way THEY are, I haven't been with them for 6 years. Anyway, there I am and suddenly, someone brings up my ex and his ho and how pretty she is (they are shallow and looks are everything) and how my ex is suffering so by giving me a pittance to live on. Then my youngest sister steps forward (she is the golden girl to them, but not in reality) and she tells me, "You just aren't any fun, any more."  My brother speaks up and says, "Yeah, and I don't think you were really 'hurt'."

I look around and everyone - 60 people - are just standing there, looking at me. Panic rises in my throat like a hot air balloon and I stand up and, and, and,

There's the ugly truth. I can't sleep because my brain is working overtime finding new endings for the same darn dream - endless endings and each one terrifying for me. At least this time it's a dream and at least no one is threatening me with lawsuits and restraining orders because I've been sexually molested by a pedophile and now I'm  (shhhh) d-i-r-t-y.

4 comments:

Just Be Real said...

((((Ivory)))) May your brain be shut down for a few hours so that you can at least have the peaceful rest. Here listening dear one.

Ivory said...

Thanks JBR. I had to wait till I got home - took a nap and it did wonders.

kerroskorner said...

Grrr, Blogspot stole my comment!!! So here it is again...

((Ivory)) Ah, the joys of PTSD, eh? And abuse - the gift that keeps on giving. So sorry you are going through this.

Ivory said...

Kerro,
I had to laugh at the irony - the gift that keeps on giving. You are soooo right. Thanks for thinking of me.