Saturday, August 28, 2010

Miracles

A few months ago, I received a phone call early in the morning, too early; I was not quite asleep, but not ready to wake up, either. I didn't recognize the phone number. I nearly let it go to voice mail, but something, maybe curiosity, made me sit up and take the call.

It was a miracle, or rather a person with information about a miracle.

When I was 17 years old, I was date-raped. It resulted in pregnancy. My family blamed me, I blamed me, but I wanted my baby. At every monthly visit, the Dr. explained how I could get on welfare, get my own apartment and raise my baby - just my baby and me. That was music to my ears and then, somewhere about a month before she was born the Dr. changed. He became harsh, accusing and hateful. He told me I had no business trying to raise a baby all by myself and he pressured me about giving her up.

Meanwhile, my family stood by and offered nothing in support. Within a few hours of her birth, a "social worker" came by to see me. She wanted me to sign papers. I had not slept for over 24 hours and cried for all of it. I refused to sign the papers and tried to plead my case saying that I couldn't see because my eyes were swollen shut (which was true). The lady grabbed my hand, slid a pen between my fingers and pressed it onto the papers in front of me. She angrily told me to sign anywhere, it didn't matter where. She finally told me I could change my mind within 30 days. I was afraid of her, of me, of everything. I signed.

Within a few minutes after she left my hospital room, I changed my mind. I begged my parents to help me. They tried. The Dr. threw them out of his office. Social Services said they never heard of the lady from social services. I've spent all these years - 38 - wondering where she was and hating myself for not being stronger.

The lady on the phone those few months ago, gave me the name and email address of my daughter.  We have since met, talked, cried, and laughed together. I'm overwhelmed at the joy of it and terrified at the prospect she may find me because in my early morning drowsiness that day, I gave the lady the email I used for my blog. I know it was stupid, but I wasn't thinking. I've gotten those calls before - all of them ended with the caller asking for thousands of dollars I didn't have to give. That morning, I didn't think it could possibly be HER, so I gave out the email address. I've spent all these months trying to cover my tracks, and being afraid my daughter would find me. She found a short story I had published, so I know she's been looking. And why wouldn't she, after all?

So that's why I haven't posted for so long. I was afraid of saying anything for fear she would/could connect me to it and then read the rest of my posts on this blog. I couldn't live thru losing her a second time.

She is truly a miracle. A miracle with blue eyes that sparkle when she looks at me...

Ivory   ...
 ps - to all of you who posted and wished me well and emailed me while I was "hiding" - God bless you for your support.

11 comments:

Clueless said...

I just happened to find your blog and read your post. What a miracle and blessing. I pray that God will continue to nurture your relationship with lots of love and laughter.

take care,
CC

Anonymous said...

A true miracle just like you. What to say? I am happy for you and your daughter.

Just so you know I was looking.

Take Care,

Michael

Just Be Real said...

Truly a miracle there Ivory. Blessings dear one.

Ivory said...

Thanks for your support and comments! Very heart warming, wonderful.

Shen said...

Ivory... you are okay just as you are. You've had a life. It hasn't been perfect. Nobody's is.

If your daughter finds out who you really are, maybe it won't be a bad thing? Maybe she will accept you as you are and understand. She's an adult now.

I wondered, as I read your post, what kind of life your daughter had. Did she get adopted? Was she in a good home?

Peace and love to you

lifemultiplied said...

Wow, that's amazing and wonderful! Glad to see you back too!

castorgirl said...

This is incredible Ivory... I'm so happy for you both, it sounds so positive!!!

I can understand your fears of this blog being found, but I remember reading your posts about your grief over the circumstances surrounding being forced to give your daughter up. That's nothing to be ashamed of... it shows how you've thought of her often.

The other mental health issues that you're addressing, will help her put what happened into context. While your desire to heal, will give hope and show your courage.

I'm so glad you've met...

Take care,
CG :)

Just Be Real said...

Just passing through Ivory. Blessings to you dear one.

forlothlorien said...

I am so glad you have been reconnected with your daughter and that it has been such a positive experience for you! I am sad for what you went through with the "social worker". I am studying to be a social worker, and I am appalled!
Warm thoughts to you and your daughter.
Lothlorien

fromthesamesky said...

Wow, how did I miss this the first time around? Google Reader just threw about 8 posts from your blog at me - I wonder whether there was a glitch somehow and I didn't get them initially. But wow! This is amazing! :)

Ivory said...

Because of what this post is about, I fell head long into paranoia of being found out. My "new" daughter immediately began searching the internet for me and I had to change EVERYTHING about me, web-wise. Thanks for reading!