A few months ago, I received a phone call early in the morning, too early; I was not quite asleep, but not ready to wake up, either. I didn't recognize the phone number. I nearly let it go to voice mail, but something, maybe curiosity, made me sit up and take the call.
It was a miracle, or rather a person with information about a miracle.
When I was 17 years old, I was date-raped. It resulted in pregnancy. My family blamed me, I blamed me, but I wanted my baby. At every monthly visit, the Dr. explained how I could get on welfare, get my own apartment and raise my baby - just my baby and me. That was music to my ears and then, somewhere about a month before she was born the Dr. changed. He became harsh, accusing and hateful. He told me I had no business trying to raise a baby all by myself and he pressured me about giving her up.
Meanwhile, my family stood by and offered nothing in support. Within a few hours of her birth, a "social worker" came by to see me. She wanted me to sign papers. I had not slept for over 24 hours and cried for all of it. I refused to sign the papers and tried to plead my case saying that I couldn't see because my eyes were swollen shut (which was true). The lady grabbed my hand, slid a pen between my fingers and pressed it onto the papers in front of me. She angrily told me to sign anywhere, it didn't matter where. She finally told me I could change my mind within 30 days. I was afraid of her, of me, of everything. I signed.
Within a few minutes after she left my hospital room, I changed my mind. I begged my parents to help me. They tried. The Dr. threw them out of his office. Social Services said they never heard of the lady from social services. I've spent all these years - 38 - wondering where she was and hating myself for not being stronger.
The lady on the phone those few months ago, gave me the name and email address of my daughter. We have since met, talked, cried, and laughed together. I'm overwhelmed at the joy of it and terrified at the prospect she may find me because in my early morning drowsiness that day, I gave the lady the email I used for my blog. I know it was stupid, but I wasn't thinking. I've gotten those calls before - all of them ended with the caller asking for thousands of dollars I didn't have to give. That morning, I didn't think it could possibly be HER, so I gave out the email address. I've spent all these months trying to cover my tracks, and being afraid my daughter would find me. She found a short story I had published, so I know she's been looking. And why wouldn't she, after all?
So that's why I haven't posted for so long. I was afraid of saying anything for fear she would/could connect me to it and then read the rest of my posts on this blog. I couldn't live thru losing her a second time.
She is truly a miracle. A miracle with blue eyes that sparkle when she looks at me...
ps - to all of you who posted and wished me well and emailed me while I was "hiding" - God bless you for your support.