Wednesday, June 2, 2010

All the Power Is Mine, Deal With It

"So you think you have soooo much power and control
over other people that you have the right
to take responsibility for their actions?"

That was what my T asked me one day when I was deep in the hole of self blame. It was like he'd slapped me. I was mad at him for being so cruel. I hated him for making me feel "less", some how. I told him he wasn't being fair.

Somewhere in the months after that session, I got it. I understood why he said what he did and why he said it just then.  

I wanted to spend some time with my family. It was my family I needed to help me thru the trauma of my divorce, the loss of my dad, and a major surgery, but it was my family who made me feel as if I had chosen the person who would eventually abuse me. They told me I was lying. They told me to keep my problems to myself. They told me if I didn't "shut up about it" I would be served with restraining orders and lawsuits that would stop my ugly delusion of sexual abuse. The ugly truth is that I could not, can not rely on any of my family members for any kind of support.

For quite some time, I wallowed in self blame, self harm, and self hatred for "causing" all of my families discomfort and distain. And then, my therapist happened. He asked me who gave me so much power. Who gave me the right to make their lives so care free and hang on the cross for them. What an eye opener. What a mind blast.

I don't ever blame myself anymore for having been chosen by a pedophile. I don't try to take responsibility for my family member's actions. This weekend, my mother has invited me to my brothers house. I posted HERE about why she wants a family meeting.

I think I'll go to it. She has promised she will tell them the rules of no blaming anyone for anything, but everyone being allowed to voice their feelings and suggestions/opinions for all the different problems our family has been having. Mom promised she won't let the others gang up on me - that's usually what happens. Even if she doesn't, or can't, stand up for me (or anyone else), I think I'll be able to stand up for myself. I figure without the weight of responsibility I've been carrying, I'm pretty sure I can stand up quite easily.       

We'll see.


castorgirl said...

You go girl :)

In some ways, I hope your mother stops any blaming and ganging up... Just so that you can feel a level of respect, protection and care that you deserve. But I know you'll be able to handle it if she doesn't. You're incredibly strong and have no reason to feel any blame or responsibility for their issues.

I really hope it goes well at the meeting. Do you have anything specific that you want to get out of going?

Take care,

Michael Finley said...

Wow this is a biggie.

I was once hired to go to a meeting with a woman who was being unreasonably threatened with a law suit in construction. My job was to stand there and look mean. I went to the site with her and never said a word as the guy went over his case. That was all it took, a person to stand beside her. The law suit disappeared.

I so wish I could stand beside you and look mean. It is easy when there is no risk. I can not stand beside you. All I can do is promise to read when you are back. That I will do.

Ivory said...

I hope Mom doesn't melt under pressure. In some ways, she is needing me to be strong, too, like I'm hoping she is. My sibs don't often consider her feelings or desires since Dad died. They think they know what's best and they don't consult her, they just go out and "do". She said last night that she shouldn't have to give up her dignity just because Dad's gone. I agree. What I want from this is the end to the bickering. I've always been the family target - for the same reason they never consult Mom on things. They think they know better. I don't push my way of life on anyone, nor do I expect them to agree with mine. Mom finally sees there is an advantage to being an individual for the sake of knowing who you are and being who you are. I have always followed my heart and always gotten beat up for not "conforming" to the pack mentality of my family. I want them to at least admit they overstepped their boundaries 5 years ago when all this started.

Ivory said...

Gosh. I just wanted to cry when I read your comment. Only my daughter has said things like that to me. No one else has ever wanted to or offered to stand beside me. I will imagine you there and be honored that I have a friend like you. Thank you so very much.