Saturday, March 20, 2010

Training My Therapist

Okay, you all have heard, post after post, about me bragging that my therapist is so wonderful. Well, he is, but he made a statement recently that invalidates me and my past so completely that I cannot wait until next week to bring it up.

Two weeks ago in my session, I gave him a heads up about a friend of mine who shared with me that her ex molested their sons and at least one of her daughters. The ex is, as we speak, in the court system awaiting sentencing. But - she is aware that the therapist the boys go to is not working out for them. So, I mentioned she might consult my therapist. She is not aware I'm his client but is aware I've had a bad childhood.

Anyway, that day in my session, in sharing a bit of information about the teen aged boys, my T says innocently, "It's more difficult for males than females, when they are molested."


"It just is."

"But why?"

"I don't know."

So, why would he say that and not explain it? I'm going to ask. I feel totally invalidated!

***WARNING!***  BAD LANGUAGE COMING.  STOP HERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT *** Also, for my male blogging friends, I am in no way invalidating your situations, I know how bad it can be.

I am now upon my strong and sturdy soap box.

I am sick to death of people, society, men, and women giving women so damn little credit. It's a proven thing that if someone sees a man in his front yard playing with his children, they say, "Oh, how sweet, he is taking care of his kids."

If they see a mother in the front yard playing with her children, they say, "Would you look at that! Playing, instead of putting supper on the table!"  Really, this has been studied and is a true fact.

So-- is rape different for a male because he is made to fuck instead of being fucked? Do people really think it can't be as bad for a woman because she is supposed to be fucked anyway?

I THINK NOT, T! Rape and molestation is just that - for anyone who experiences it. A child (male or female not specified) is not meant to be fucked.

We are definately going to discuss this next week. Damn, it's hard training a therapist to be a good one.

[Climbs off of soap box, folds it, puts it in pocket]       :)


castorgirl said...

Hi Ivory,

I think what your therapist said was worded really really badly. I can see how it would feel invalidating, but I also think that it is different when males are sexually abused - not worse or easier... but different.

My ex-husband was sexually abused, his experience when telling others of his abuse was generally "you're lucky you learned so early" or "at least you got some". It's exactly that stereotypical role that you talk about which makes it different; men are meant to be strong and able to defend themselves, not be sexually abused.

Sexual abuse is bad, no matter who it happens to or under what circumstance. Societal and stereotypical pressures will influence how we feel about the abuse in our context, no matter whether we are male, female, a minority or of European descent.

I hope you can talk this through with your therapist to a point where you can reach a mutual understanding about what that phrase meant to you.

Take care,

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Interesting to see what you t. has to say.

Grace said...

OMG! Ivory, just yesterday I was talkin to the lady who cleans my house...and she was telling me her ex has tried to contact her children (1 boy- 1 girl) again and he sexually abused both of them many years ago (they are teens now). And then she went on to say that she thinks it's worse for boys who've been abused than it is for girls - and I didn't say anything -but I was all like WTF! I'm so f'd up - shattered into a hundred pieces- and I don't think it's better because Im a girl!
I couldn't agree with you more!

Journal of Healing said...

As we say, fucking children is unconventional. Treatment for adult children that were fucked as children is unconventional.

Thanks for sharing.


Vague said...


Kerro said...

Can I get back on your soap box, Ivory? What a F***ing ridiculous thing to say!!!

I've found myself saying "unless he meant that men are less resilient, less able to deal with things or that women are used to being violated, or ..." but all of that is F***ing ridiculous, too - and an indictment on society if any of that is what he meant.

I know you've said before that your T is good, so surely - I mean, SURELY - he mis spoke??? Please keep us updated.


me,me, and me said...

I hope you do have a talk with him. One thing I do want to point out is that boys can be sodomized which doesn't mean they are doing the fucking but in fact being fucked.

Michael Finley said...

I am going with WTF and I do not know much about what it is to be traumatized other than what happened to me. I am not even very good that that.

fromthesamesky said...

Urgh, I'm with you. What an awful thing to say. Perhaps the male psyche is less used to being abused but that doesn't make it *worse* just different - like castorgirl said. It is perhaps further from their schemas of control and dominance - but that in itself is a societal construct which is totally unfair for women. So GRRR!

By the way, I love the folding soapbox. I think I would like one of those!

Exhale said...

Hope you're able to talk this through with your therapist...I am glad you are able to vent how you're feeling..I agree with what castorgirl has shared, both are horrible but the bottom line is abuse is still abuse no matter who it happens too.

hopefortrauma said...

Gender roles make me nuts! I have this gender psych class right now. Needless to say I yell at my classmates alot. Probably not always appropriate but whatever. Most definitely talk to your T about this. Abuse is abuse, it messes people up. And doesn't discriminate based on race, ethnicity and most importantly gender! Bring your soap box the your session, I'm interested to see what happens. Take Care.

Ivory said...

Thanks everyone. I have an appt. this evening with T. All joking aside, it's going to be a bit difficult to bring it up, but I'm going to do it or it will make me crazy.

Actually, now, I have another question surrounding it! Tyler, you said that males can be sodomized... Does that mean females cannot be sodomized? I looked it up and was not clear on the gender inculsion/exclusion. Thanks, tho, Tyler for bringing it up - it's important.

I will post tonight after my session.

The Beehive said...

Wow, I don't even know what to say to this, other than I am appalled! I have always heard it is the same for both genders. I'm interested to see how your conversation goes with your T. today.


me,me, and me said...

Females can be sodomized as well. When I say sodomy I mean sex anally without consent. I hope this clears this up for you.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I didn't read past the trigger warning, and I didn't read the comments... I didn't need to. There is no use in quantifying hurt, since everyone will react differently. It is terribly invalidating, as you say. And you have every right to call him on it. I use the following example all the time. I saw a story, I think on 20/20 about the horrible gang abuses in Africa, all going on right now. I immediately said: My life abuse was not at all as bad as that. That kind of statement goes nowhere. Yes, your therapist is great... and so all the more reason to call him on what he's said so you can keep the relationship strong. Good for you.

Petrogenic said...

Hi Ivory,

Coming in a bit late here (sorry! catching up after a hiatus)

This kind of comment can really be hurtful and invalidating- silly T.

But, trying to step back, I think it would be "worse" for society simply because the results is that (most) men act-out their post-abuse anger on others (are they more likely to become abusers themselves?) whereas women internalise the rage etc and harm only themselves?

Either way, stupid comment. Hope it was sorted. I'll go on reading now :)