Friday, March 26, 2010

Maybe Not So Obvious

Trigger warning! In this post, there is mention of those sharp utensiles we use to cut veggies with, well, cut meat with.

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After reading a few other posts last week, I realized something that has managed to keep me in the shadows of my own life. One of my most debilitating fears is that someone "see" me become a 7 or 9 year old.

I often freeze, stutter, or just plain freak out at times in public. It's always embarrassing, but I hide it well enough that to others who witness it, well, they think of me as eccentric or goofy. They also know that in most intellectual or verbal debates, I will win.

There came a time, about 20 years ago that I realized it was easier to just 'go for it' and excuse it later because the more I tried to hide those episodes, the worse I looked to others. For example: A week ago, I was with a coworker who had wanted to ride along with me to do some shopping on a Saturday. She wanted to go to a Sporting store to look at the punching bags for her son.

We had enjoyed the whole morning shopping and talking and getting to know each other better and our last stop of the day was for the punching bag. We began by just walking around; there was a lot to see, the store was a huge place. We chatted and commented on everything we thought was interesting. But, we were tired, so we started moving to the other side of the store, looking around for the punching bags.

My friend spotted the tall metal frames to the punching bags and we began cutting across the back of the store to get to them. Suddenly, in front of me was hunting knives - huge, shiny, silvery hunting knives. Suddenly, the store was cast in shadows. Thick air mixed with smoke swirled around my thoughts and I lost sight of my friend. I remember reaching out but I was all alone.

Just as quickly, my friend was standing at my side, looking at me like I'd suddenly grown pink hair. I tried to control my breathing and told her I needed to get something to eat because I felt dizzy. Then I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

All was okay when I returned a few minutes later. It's better she think I'm just hungry, than crazy. She doesn't know I'm a multiple and I'm not crazy, but she doesn't know any better and I'm sure I would have lost a new friend. So - I'm quick with excuses/reasons that cover up the real issues. Many of my friends think I'm high strung - :) they have no idea...

My daughter's way of describing those situations is, "Come on, Mom! No one will ever figure out you are a multiple! The way you are in public is like the invisible man going around flashing people!"

Gosh, gotta love her.

7 comments:

Journal of Healing said...

I completely understand this, and spend alot of time, at work, public, etc, covering up those moments...i'm hungry, tired, kinda sick, etc are my excuses. I guess honestly...I am hungry. hungry for healing. I am tired. Tired from having to fix what other people tried to break in me. I am sick...and fighting to be better.
Thanks for sharing.

ang

Michael Finley said...

I actually closed my eyes when I read about the knives.

People know I am multiple. I tell them and they say "No shit" They still like me and all. I don't have different names all the time. Right now I only have two one is Wizard which I am called by a woman I call Hobit. The other is Phantom because I glide in the pool. I have had a ton of different names over the years.

People often say "I have not figured Michael our yet." If someone is there they usually say something like good luck." If I am alone or no one says anything I say. "Not happening." People usually give up trying.

Ivory said...

Ang,
I hear you! In fact, I nearly entitled this post, "I'm just hungry"!


Oh, Michael, I'm sorry, I should have posted a trigger warning. I will go in and fix it so others will be aware. I'm glad to hear that some people don't walk away. I only know of 2 people in my life who have not done that, and sadly, one of them is my T!

The Beehive said...

I totally experience this more often than not. This past week has been full of my excuses for this! Sometimes it really bothers me and other times I just know it is who I am. I wish I could tell people that I am a multiple and have them just understand, but that's not always how it works out. Very few people know I'm a multiple so those excuses come in handy! Thanks for sharing.

-Bee

Kerro said...

I don't have DID, as you know, but I also hang on to excuses like I'm sick/tired/hungry/thirsty so that people won't know I'm a freak. The Wonder Therapist says no one will ever know what's inside your head unless you tell them. I'm not sure I believe her, but if sick/tired/hungry/thirsty comfort me (or you) then go for it! Whatever helps you through the moment. ((hugs))

Michael Finley said...

It was not triggering at all I just found it interesting.

Triggers are my frienenemies. Friend-Enemy. I don't like them but I need to know about them.

Went to the pool this morning. Played with a ball with a mother and her child. Great way to spend a sat morning. They were playing and I swam up and asked. "Can I play." People go with it.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Ivory, even though I do not completely understand what you experience, I can just imagine the panic you feel and I am so very sorry for this. ((((Ivory))))