Monday, March 29, 2010

March 27, 2010

The wind was blowing today. The house I bought in November has trees - large, old trees that have been trimmed back so that they have grown tall and wispy. Their bare (small budded) branches swayed like lazy ocean waves ebbing and flowing. I sat on the couch (a new set all soft and cushy) and just listened to the small sounds and watching the trees move.

I couldn't help but be in another day and another time. I was probably only 11 years old. I didn't stay in the house much and had learned to keep myself busy and entertained, so every day I dressed warmly and set out on an adventure. This time of year, and the Fall season are the only times the wind blows here. I don't like the wind, but I hated being indoors even worse. More times than not, I ended up sitting on the ground or boards, or straw, that I'd purposely set up facing the sun, yet shielded against the cold wind. I would pull my hood over my head and tug it down around my cheeks and chin and just sit there, and dream.

I always dreamed. I dreamed of being a ballerina, of playing the piano, of singing, of being loved, and many other things that I will probably never experience. Not once did I ever dream of being used, abused, and raped. Never. Ever, did I dream of that.

Often I would fall asleep and really dream of all those things. I lived my entire life so far believing that everyone only dreamed of all those things, but that no one ever really got them. I no longer want to be a ballerina, I am greatly happy to just listen to the piano, and my daughter loves me. My biggest hope now is just to be happy and I'm beginning to realize that it is just a dream away...

13 comments:

Journal of Healing said...

The closest dream I ever had to escape when I was young was dreaming the wrong mom had taken me home from the hospital. I was a daydreamer too...

Well-written.

ang

The Beehive said...

I was a lot like this when I was younger too. My imagination took me everywhere that I wanted to be but couldn't be. I would spend hours upon hours outside just dreaming and imagining all these wonderful places and amazing things I could do there, but not here. I guess it was my way of forgetting all of the pain. Thanks for sharing.

-Bee

Ivory said...

Journal,
Funny you should mention the "wrong mom..."! About 8 years ago, I actually asked my mother if I was adopted. I don't look like anyone in my family. They are all dark skinned, brown eyes and dark hair. I'm fair skinned, my eyes are bright green, my hair was very light brown/blonde when I was young. I do, however, resemble my father. My mom told me once that I have the true German traits while the rest of them have Russian traits (she claims to be 100% German). I can dream...

Ivory said...

Bee,

Our imaginations are probably how we made it so easy to dissociate - they are so vivid. I still daydream altho I limit it to when I wake up on Sunday morning and go to bed on Friday nights. Silly, I know, but I love it.

Exhale said...

I can so relate to what your sharing...dreaming for us was an escape too, at least no one could take that away. I still dream when I am stressed about happy places and happy things because it comforts me. I am sorry your childhood is full of unhappy memories but I am glad that your starting to experience peace and hope for a better tomorrow.

Ivory said...

Thank, Exhale!
Dreaming about happy stuff is what got me this far. It's only uncomfortable when I have a reality check...

Grace said...

I used to dream that I was switched with another baby at the hospital and my "real" parents would realize it and come back from me...
they never did...
((IVORY))

Ivory said...

It took me years to realize that my family does NOT define who I am. They haven't that power over me any more, BUT, that doesn't mean I don't hurt and I don't miss them. I'm sorry you know how that feels. I wish no one experienced that.

Missing In Sight said...

I'm so relieved for you, Ivory, that you can be content listening to the piano. Dreaming was so important for us growing up because it was the only escape from the horrible abuse we suffered. Now we can still dream, but it's not about escape. Now we can dream about what we want in our recovery and this time we have the ability to achieve it. I'm so proud of you.

Ivory said...

Missing In Sight,
It's been a difficult road, and I'm sure there will be many more bumps along my way. My only regret, or wish (I guess) is that it took most of my life to get this far. I'm still not giving up.

lifemultiplied said...

Hugs, Ivory! I've been thinking about this post for hours and couldn't not post about The Cars song "A Dream Away."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJkfgQj4Guw

http://www.metrolyrics.com/dream-away-lyrics-the-cars.html

Ivory said...

LifeMultiplied,

Very interesting song. After I listened to it, I followed the other link to the lyrics. It's really -- weird, or different, but then -- it's like a dream...

Rising Rainbow said...

I've always been a dreamer too. I'm pretty sure being able to do that saved me.