Monday, March 1, 2010

Emergency Session

Last week, I'm not sure which day, I called my T. I just couldn't go one more day being harrassed at work and not knowing if I was going to get fired over it. My nerves were shot, I cried all day (off and on) and I just couldn't keep going.

My T was busy. We didn't talk long, but then I had called him earlier in the week - I think twice. Our conversations weren't long. He was not feeling well.

But on Tuesday, I called and asked that he call me back. When he did, I heard a small voice say, "I've changed my mind, I don't want to talk."  He said "alright", and hung up.

I hadn't slept well for about 3 nights straight and I actually thot I was dreaming. Then about 2 hours later, I woke up and knew T had called and I put him off. I felt devastated. I called my daughter and fell totally, and completely apart. I was hyperventilating so badly, we had to end the call.

She called my T and later, he called me. We talked only for a few minutes but I felt better. Then Wednesday happened. I called T again Wednesday just before work ended. I was crying and couldn't stop and nearly everybody who knew me, saw me. No one said a word. By then, the disaster of the morning has spread like a virus.

I had to hang up because I got a call, but a few hours later, T called and had me come in to his office. It was late and dark out side which always sets off the Littles. Once in his session room, tho, things began to calm down. T asked if I wanted to close my eyes and go to my special place where I go when the 'others' are out. I wanted to, badly, it always calms me and gives me strength and grounding. So, I closed my eyes.

I was on my swing, looking for that bright spot, where I go. Then, the air was filled with shards of glass. They swung slowly towards me. I was terrified but couldn't open my eyes! I remember T saying that Smoke must have need to discuss something and if she wanted to, she could come and talk to him...

And then I woke up. Two hours later.

Today, I had a regular session. Work still sucks. My job review is Wednesday (set specially because I yelled at the lead worker), but I feel as if I can weather it. I'm also keeping a work diary...   ... just in case.

9 comments:

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Did your T tell you what happened in those two hours?

It seems to me that the goal of healing dissociative problems is to know rather than not to know.

Michael Finley said...

Good work!

Ivory said...

Paul,
No, he didn't. Smoke, the one who took my session, doesn't want him to tell. It's frustrating. Sometimes, he asks her and she allows some information to be shared. I guess he asked this time and she said not to share. He did tell me, tho, that he was excited to find that Smoke had 'grown'. T's way of saying she has learned new aspects of life other than the trauma that created her. For now, at least, she is peaceful.


Michael,

Thanks much! It is such a struggle every time, to get to this point!

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I am glad Smoke has grown. Please be careful about parts getting your T to adhere to rules about telling and not telling. This can be dangerous. It may make it difficult for the T too.

We do have a rule that says that if there are issues of safety, we cannot involve our therapist in any kind of not telling.

Ivory said...

Paul,

I was not the one to ask for T to not tell, it was a couple of alter who did it. Others don't care and he shares all of that with me. In issues of safety, my T might not give me details but lets me know about it and gives me advice and coping suggestions for the bad times. There are still details about my abuse that I don't remember, but Smoke has shared them with my T. My T believes in letting me remember on my own, not telling me and causing back-lash by the alter - which is what has happened in the past. T believes that for the alters to trust him, he has to honor their privacy as well as mine. BUT, safety is not ignored.
Thanks for caring and for the suggestions, I will consider discussing it with T, as there have been times I wanted to know what was said, but he would tell me because he felt it would cause more problems. So far, tho, this seems to be working.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Absolutely go with what works! When I said "be careful", I was speaking to all of you. It's definitely tricky.

Grace said...

Ivory, Even in your struggles, you always triumph.
I offer my care and love to you...~ Gracie

castorgirl said...

I'm so sorry this is happening Ivory...

Sending you lots of positive thoughts for Wednesday. Are you able to take a support person into the job review with you? I often take a support person into those sorts of meetings because I'm likely to dissociate and forget half of what is said. I'm not sure of the laws in America surrounding the concept of support people, but over here it's common place to have someone go in with you to take notes...

Take care and good luck...
CG

Kerro said...

((hugs)) Ivory. I'm not sure what to say but thinking of you and glad you had a session. It sounds like work has been especially tough. I hope the review goes ok.

Please take care.