Saturday, March 6, 2010

Cut Loose

As a child, I was not encouraged to show any type of emotion, unless it was happy. Even then, the expression of it had to be my mother's way.

I've often wondered if my father knew Mom is so controlling. He wasn't that way, he was fun, but he rarely argued with her about how she treated us. They argued about everything else, tho. Which is part of the purpose of this entry.

I can't seem to find a safe place when people are building up to an argument. I feel so many conflicting emotions when people argue - even when I argue. I don't know how to express the emotional fall out when it comes. I have no ingrained heuristics to figure it out.

That's probably what happened a couple of weeks ago with my leadworker. I was getting angry and was hurt by her comments and just exploded instead of dealing with it the way I should have.

That's also partly responsible for why I could never tell my parents about the pedophile. I knew they would get angry, I knew it would focus on me, I would be challenged and a I knew I couldn't stand up to it because I had no way of expressing the fear, sadness, shame, etc.

If I could go back and do it over I don't know how I'd change anything, but I'm working on changing it now for the time I live in.

I can begin by telling all you parents who argue in front of your children - think of their feelings, think about how they feel when you argue because it destroys their security and the feeling of safety.

Divided you all fall.

13 comments:

Journal of Healing said...

Well said, Ivory. Keep fighting. Glad to be a part of your Journey, even if it is just cyber-support.

ang

Grace said...

LOVE the new look...I understand the inability to show emotion, *argue* in a healthy way, or express any needs...and the safe place.
The hus and I "argued" in front of the kids today...I hate that. I wish it wouldn't have happened today - it rarely does. And I can see the pain in their faces when it does..
(((IVORY))))

Kerro said...

((Ivory)) I'm sorry you feel this way, though I'm also pleased you're able to identify what the triggers are.

I also grew up in a household where emotion was not acceptable. I don't think true happiness was acceptable either. I also hate arguments and freak out if one is happening around me, or if by some ill fate I happen to be involved in one. Can't stand it.

I wish I had an easy solution for you. I don't, but know that you're not alone.

I love your new blog page, btw. :)

Ivory said...

Thanks, Ang and welcome to my world. I have come to find that cyber-support is very important. I have only 2 real people in my life so I value your support a great deal.


Grace,
I'm glad you like my new page! I can't stay in 'one place' too long! Thanks for the hugs, too, it means a lot.


Kerro,
I do quite often feel very alone. My sibs scream and yell at their spouses, just like my parents did. I'm the only one affected so negatively by it. I always needed reasurance that my life was stable; arguing and fighting destroys that for sensitive little hearts. Thank you for the hugs and the support.

fromthesamesky said...

I can understand how that left you feeling so uncomfortable when people argue - it's really difficult. I'm sorry your parents weren't able to create a safe space for you to talk to them about what was going on. It sucks when parents can't allow emotions in their kids.

Thankyou for this post. And can I add to other comments about how BEAUTIFUL this new layout is! I LOVE it! I had no idea blogger had anything this lovely, I could look at it for ages ... :)

Michael Finley said...

I like the new layout. Course now I will not know who you are. Smile.

Ivory said...

SameSky,
Thanks! It took me about 4 weeks to find a Blogger template I like. Seriously, I looked every weekend for hours. Anyway, my T tries to remind me that my mother wasn't raised with the best of parenting, either, but even now, she is 79 years old and still can't show any emotion other than 'happy'. It's quite sad.



Michael- You are my dark humor friend! Yes, it will confuse you a time or two, but I will also not who I am at times!! It's already happened. I loaded this template towards evening and the next morning, I logged on and freaked out. I immediately logged off and turned off the computer! It took me a whole day of worring about it to figure it out. I knew another part of me had been close and that I had been 'looking' at other templates, I just didn't think I'd chosen one. I'll never get used it.

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Missing In Sight said...

Ivory,

I like this post. My "parents" argued and fought in front of me and I would scream at them to please stop. It really devastates a child. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Thank you for sharing.
{{{{{Ivory}}}}}

hopefortrauma said...

Ivory,
Children take it everything. Its so interesting how kids can just sense things even non-verbal stuff. I don't know if thats a pro or a con? Probably neither. Children need a safe place, I'm really sorry that you didn't have that when there was fighting and at other times. Your in my thoughts.

castorgirl said...

I also grew up in a house that was dominated by the emotional needs of the parents, it's amazing the toll it takes and how that now shows up in the way we react to the world around us.

I'm sorry you experienced this environment...

I also love the new layout :)

Take care,
CG

Exhale said...

I love the look of your blog...it's always wonderful to be free to express something new.
I understand about the conflict in showing emotions, for us hearing arguing was triggering because that's how the violence began.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Thank you for this tender reminder. What a wonderful thing (although exquisitely uncomfortable) to be able to recognize this truth for yourself.