As a child, I was not encouraged to show any type of emotion, unless it was happy. Even then, the expression of it had to be my mother's way.
I've often wondered if my father knew Mom is so controlling. He wasn't that way, he was fun, but he rarely argued with her about how she treated us. They argued about everything else, tho. Which is part of the purpose of this entry.
I can't seem to find a safe place when people are building up to an argument. I feel so many conflicting emotions when people argue - even when I argue. I don't know how to express the emotional fall out when it comes. I have no ingrained heuristics to figure it out.
That's probably what happened a couple of weeks ago with my leadworker. I was getting angry and was hurt by her comments and just exploded instead of dealing with it the way I should have.
That's also partly responsible for why I could never tell my parents about the pedophile. I knew they would get angry, I knew it would focus on me, I would be challenged and a I knew I couldn't stand up to it because I had no way of expressing the fear, sadness, shame, etc.
If I could go back and do it over I don't know how I'd change anything, but I'm working on changing it now for the time I live in.
I can begin by telling all you parents who argue in front of your children - think of their feelings, think about how they feel when you argue because it destroys their security and the feeling of safety.
Divided you all fall.