Monday, February 15, 2010

Where O Where Has the Memory Gone

Last week, I wrote about a particular memory that blasted its way into my thoughts. So far, of all the memories I've gotten back, that one is by far the most troublesome because of the physical response to it. It left me with only a single remaining snapshot snippit of memory and I cannot get it out of my thoughts. It won't be seen, yet won't be ignored. Remember that little song, "Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone? Well, that's been rumbling around in my head this weekend, too.

Like usual, once a memory begins its trek to consciousness, it looses some of its power and also some of its 'amplitude', because the first time, there was an entire scene, and now I have only a snapshot visual of it - I cannot remember any of the rest of it. Now, it projects very little meaning in that its like looking at a picture of someone I don't know, in a house I grew up in. This concept is very unsettling, but I have nothing to attach to it, it is not yet real. Thus, the crux of my frustration.

It projects little meaning, but I can't leave it alone. I want to finish the memory, I want to have all of it. It's unreachable, untouchable, unnerving. Sometimes, these memories remain elusive for years. I'm afraid my life will end before I capture them all. Truth is, I don't want any more of them, but once the prologue plays, I can't resist searching...   ... and searching...

7 comments:

castorgirl said...

Hi Ivory,

I know this sense of frustration all too well. I hope you can find the pieces you're looking for soon...

What I've found, is that the more I reach and try to force the memory coming, the more it slips away from me. Sometimes it will come when I least expect it, or when I'm at my most relaxed and calm about things - I tend to get wound up and anxious about memories. So maybe you can try to relax and look away from the memory, rather than trying to actively seek it out? I know that is almost impossible to do, but it might help...

Take care,
CG

Michael Finley said...

"trek to consciousness".

Good description.

Ivory said...

Castorgirl,

Yes, you are right. I must slow down and give it time to come. I'm usually pretty patient about things - except memories. I push and pull at them and when they come, I go running to T crying that I'm unhappy.



Michael,
Thanks, but that is how it feels. Like a long, sweaty, muscle busting trek - and all just to feel the pain of it.

Exhale said...

When you're ready...it will come.
Take gentle care of yourself as you work through this.

Just Be Real said...

(((Ivory))))
Sorry for your struggle dear one. In time. Be gentle. Blessings.

freelyfloating said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm sorry that your memories are frustrating you so much. I do agree with Castorgirl...often times when I seem to remember something from the past, it's when I'm least expecting it, which is typically when I'm relaxed. The more I try and think about it, the more I forget...what a hassle, huh?

Good luck with everything...have some compassion for yourself, too. :)

Ivory said...

Exhale and JBR, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. No matter how small the compassion, it has a lasting impact on how I am learning to see the world.


Freelyfloating, Yes, it is a hassle and one that I don't care for at all. Thanks for stopping by, it means a great deal to me. I am realizing just how 'not alone' I am.