Saturday, February 6, 2010

Memory

Yesterday, I called my mother and invited her to supper. She seemed excited to go along, so I picked her up after leaving work. We went to a wonderful little restaurant that has been there since I was a child. It has a comfortable, warm atmosphere.

I enjoyed my time with her, which is unusual. She usually finds a way to insult me, belittle me, or just ignore me.

What I'm trying to get at, tho, is that when I walked into her apartment (non-threatening), she asked a simple question to which I began to answer and all of a sudden, I got a mental image of... something... and I tried to focus on it but couldn't and the adrenalin rush I experienced was so strong I knew I was about to pass out. I walked to the bathroom, closed the door and nearly blacked out. I closed the lid on the toilet and just sat there trying not to pass out or throw up. It was awful. By then, I'd lost the image of a light colored desk with a thin, tall, young blond man sitting at it. I have no idea what that image means to me.

This morning, I awoke and was reveling in the small fact that I had slept all night and all the way to 7:30 am. Not a usual thing for me to experience. I was literally laying there, smiling, dozing, and loving my bed when out of the blue - light colored desk; tall thin blond woman. Her back is to me and she has her elbow on the desk and her head in her hand. her hair is short and thick [or is it 'his' hair is short and thick?]. As soon as the image reached my consciousness, the adrenalin pumped thru me like a freight train on a Christmas run. I nearly passed out. Good thing I was already laying in bed.

I'm still in bed, actually. I have a raging headache. I'm praying I don't 'remember' anything I don't want to know. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't want to cry. I don't know what the image is or why it feels so powerfully familiar - and terrorizing. It's apparently innocuous, yet my heart knows to produce adrenalin in gut splashing amounts. This is not going to be a good weekend.

4 comments:

castorgirl said...

Sending positive thoughts your way Ivory... I hope you're feeling better soon and that the memory issue is able to be resolved.

Take care,
CG

Missing In Sight said...

Ivory,

I might have a sense of what you're going through. Similar things happen to me. Out of nowhere I will get some random, abstract memory of the grandparents house and it sends me into a panic attack. I only have fond memories of the grandparents so it doesn't make sense a memory would cause a panic attack. I don't know what it is.

But it's been said before and is worth saying again: your sub-conscious won't let you remember what you can't handle. Maybe whether you feel like it or not, you're ready to remember so difficult things. Just remember, whatever the memory, it's not happening now.

Take care.

Exhale said...

Hope your doing better....thinking of you as your working through this.

Kate said...

Thinking of you. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate