Sunday, February 21, 2010

l o s t

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Gone. Lost.

Sometimes, when I feel like this and don't know why, I do a word game that ferrets out the reason making me so glum. I actually sort of made it up not long ago to help my daughter thru some of her feelings about her father at the time when he divorced me and tried to have me committed. She loved him very much but was so conflicted about his behavior, so as we sat on my couch, her crying, and me feeling useless, I came up with a way to help her. It also helps me; I begin with something like -
1. I feel  sad
2. I feel angry
3. I feel lost       ... and so on until I get a list of all the emotions currently in my head.

Then, I go back to the list (there is usually at least 7 - 10 items) and I add to each sentence the word "because" and a few words that describe why, such as:

1. I feel sad because I miss my family
2. I feel angry because they [my family] blame me [for my ex's choices]
3. I feel lost because I want my family back

Then, I add "because" to the end and begin again. Eventually, each sentence will softly end because there is no more 'reasons' that can be added. It's the sentence I can continue to add to that usually bears the deep-set heart of the problem; the last sentence standing is usually my answer. What to do with it is a different story.

I've actually done this so many times it's often how I get thru the day. Today, I can't do it. Yesterday, I found out that my younger sister and brother have friended my ex and his new child-wife on facebook. It tears at my heart and hammers in that familiar painful betrayal.

I didn't look them up, someone else did and then told me. I immediately deleted my facebook profile, tho I used it only to access information a far away friend wanted to share.

In a moment of anger, I told my daughter that I should friend my sister's last husband, or maybe all of them, on my facebook page and see how she likes it. But I'm sure I won't, I never will. It hurts.


Grace said...

I'm so sorry....

castorgirl said...

I'm so sorry Ivory. I know it must hurt to have this further betrayal... then that hurt lead to all the other emotions...

Please take care of yourself and try to do little things to soothe yourself if you can.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and wishes...

Just Be Real said...

Dear one so very sorry for your struggle of late. What you described with this game sounds like a pretty good grounding tool. I do hope it helps you dear one. ((((Ivory))))

Exhale said...

Hope your feeling better today...I am sorry about the pain your younger sisters actions have caused.
I do think the exercise you created to express your emotions is a wonderful idea, one we will certainly try.

Ivory said...

Thanks everyone. My head tells me my family doesn't care about be, yet I can't understand how they could treat me that way. I'll never understand.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I'm so sorry Ivory.