I feel so disconnected. Alone. Gone. Lost.
Sometimes, when I feel like this and don't know why, I do a word game that ferrets out the reason making me so glum. I actually sort of made it up not long ago to help my daughter thru some of her feelings about her father at the time when he divorced me and tried to have me committed. She loved him very much but was so conflicted about his behavior, so as we sat on my couch, her crying, and me feeling useless, I came up with a way to help her. It also helps me; I begin with something like -
1. I feel sad
2. I feel angry
3. I feel lost ... and so on until I get a list of all the emotions currently in my head.
Then, I go back to the list (there is usually at least 7 - 10 items) and I add to each sentence the word "because" and a few words that describe why, such as:
1. I feel sad because I miss my family
2. I feel angry because they [my family] blame me [for my ex's choices]
3. I feel lost because I want my family back
Then, I add "because" to the end and begin again. Eventually, each sentence will softly end because there is no more 'reasons' that can be added. It's the sentence I can continue to add to that usually bears the deep-set heart of the problem; the last sentence standing is usually my answer. What to do with it is a different story.
I've actually done this so many times it's often how I get thru the day. Today, I can't do it. Yesterday, I found out that my younger sister and brother have friended my ex and his new child-wife on facebook. It tears at my heart and hammers in that familiar painful betrayal.
I didn't look them up, someone else did and then told me. I immediately deleted my facebook profile, tho I used it only to access information a far away friend wanted to share.
In a moment of anger, I told my daughter that I should friend my sister's last husband, or maybe all of them, on my facebook page and see how she likes it. But I'm sure I won't, I never will. It hurts.