Saturday, January 16, 2010

Who? Did What?

Sometimes, I learn about something "I" did while in therapy, that I don't remember because it was really an alter. But knowing that they are all me, and I, them, does not help the weirdness feeling that washes over me when T tells me those things. It's like the Twilight Zone.

The example I'm thinking of is when T told me that Pink was signing to him, trying to spell what she wanted to say. What the...? He told me that she was curious about him and had popped into the room to check him out.

The only reason he told me any of this was because as I began talking, I looked down and on the floor was a sheet of paper about 2 1/2 feet by 3 feet. It had childish pictures on it and words obviously spelled wrong (some of the letters were backwards). I stopped talking because just a second ago, it wasn't there. T explained that Pink wanted to draw so he got the paper and markers and let her draw.


T told me she was happy and innocent. She also did very well at sign spelling. As if I weren't shocked enough already, I asked how he knew what she was spelling, as I was not aware he could read sign. He told me that he knew she signed, so he learned the alphabet so they could communicate. I was numb with shock. This was the first time I'd heard anything of signing. Somewhere I know Pink is a part of me, but it doesn't feel that way. That day (and others) felt like I was intruding into a place where I had no right to go, like peeking thru a keyhole. And I had one more shock that day...

During the conversation that session, T confessed that he had gotten down onto the floor with Pink while they talked and she drew pictures. He is a very tall man and the room we use is not much wider than he is tall. It has several pieces of furniture in it, too. I still wonder where he put himself - I wonder where I put myself!

It doesn't feel like me. I wish it felt like me. Does anyone else have this happen?

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14 comments:

fromthesamesky said...

Wow! I think it is incredible that he learned to sign just to communicate with Pink. That shows real commitment! I like that he got on the floor too :)

Just Be Real said...

Ivory thanks for sharing about your alter. Incredible.

castorgirl said...

It's great your therapist is taking the time and energy to help and communicate with all of you...

I've had similar experiences both in therapy and out of therapy. It can be scary and confusing... When it happens outside of therapy I have a list of excuses as to why things have happened. If they happen in therapy it's scarier as the T knows there are no excuses, she knows what's just happened. I'm told it's good and healing to allow the parts to express themselves, sometimes it's just scary...

Take care,
CG

Missing In Sight said...

I think you and your system have an amazing therapist in that he would learn to sign the alphabet to communicate with Pink.

I've never experienced anything as extreme (for lack of better word) as what you've described; however, I do know what it's like for Therapist to describe back to me things we've done in session before that I have know idea how it occurred. I don't know how to play backgammon, so who was that playing the game with him?

I take it all in stride, and with a large dose of medicine. :)

Take care.

Kerro said...

What others said - amazing that your T learned sign to communicate with Pink. That's great! Although I can imagine how scarey it was for you.

Hang in there, you're doing a great job. :)

Exhale said...

I am glad your therapist works with who's out and I am glad she is able to communicate with him...that seperation exists within our system as well and all you can do is move forward work with what you have and not worry about what you don't or it will drive you crazy...

Michael Finley said...

Note: The below was written and I "Found" it when I thought I was going to play Suduko. I am sending the comment as I am told it is "OK" I know nothing about all this.


Does anyone have this happen? Yes All the time.

I think you, Pink and your therapist are amazing.

I have to check my therapists office every time I go there for stuff. Might be a metal on ribbon which is given to the therapist as the "Order of the Gypsy Dancer". Might be paperclips bent into a sun. Might be a design drawn in Auto cad. I never know.

Letters and poems are written that I know nothing about. I know they are sent as I go to the post office I do not know the contents. One letter had to be mailed from the post office box two hours from here in a town I moved from 40 years ago. The post office box was moved. That was a nightmare.

Some call the therapist and I know nothing about it. They leave messages.

My therapist was once called by Red Beard from 900 miles away so we got home. That was a classic.

I ended up in Canada a few days after I first remembered the abuse. Looking for a hotel from 1967.

Drawings are done which I can not do. Very embarrassing when you tell your art instructor you like a piece on the wall and it is yours.

It is hard with clients that come up and talk to me about a site and I do not know who they are or what they are talking about.

I would not know who my therapist is if I saw her on the street. Sometimes I do not know who she is other than she is someone in a room I know it is OK that I am in.

There is much communication with my therapist that I am just finding our about. I have not cut my hair in 10 months, my therapist knows one is going to be out when she and they start to twist their hair.

One will point to something out the window. That means the therapist can come close but not to close to look our the window.

One has learned some basic sign like I love you, please and thank you. My therapist knows how to sign. Least I think she does.

One will point to where he wants the therapist to be. In a different chair, on the floor or on the couch instead of them or with them on the couch.

Some speak in languages that I do not know and I do not think are real languages. The jury is still out on that part of it.

One writes upside down to my therapist and I have no idea what was written.

We have one whose job it is to get us home to sleep after therapy. Making sure we get home at all. Another that makes sure we get home safely. They are twins and that is their job.

Right now we can not see our therapist very much do to financial stuff. Everything that has been given to us by our therapist, all her appointment cards, rocks, black walnuts and such are in a knapsack in the truck. Why I have no idea.

As I was writing this I remembered I know how to play poker and backgammon. Oh bother.

Bugs and plants that have been dug up have been brought to my therapist. Sometimes I find stuff in my pockets that were to bring to here and it never happened.

Note: This was all pretty much spontanious writting. I did not know about all this stuff. I do not even know why I am writing.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ivory,
I am so glad that you told this story. He cares very much for you and your welfare. I am so excited to hear about what he wants to do to help you at your next session.

May I ask you a question? I have been giving much thought to your post about family and who stops what and what I would like to write. I find that I am often reticent to write things out which are true for me because so much of my life is wrapped up in who I am as a member of my church. I never want to seem pushy I do want to be honest. My intentions are always loving toward any who read what I write. If you have any suggestions of how I might keep from sounding pushy or preachy would you pass them on to me. I would appreciate your input tremendously! xoxo
whereireallylive@ entegra.net

Ivory said...

Thanks Same Sky! It is kinda neat.


JBR, Hope it doesn't scare you! Too many don't understand. Thanks for commenting.


Yes, Castorgirl, it is scary but Mr. S encourages them to come talk if they need to.


Missing in Sight, Ummmm... :)... I sometimes disappear behind a few pills, too. What ever works.


Kerro. I love the support, Thanks so much.


Exhale, That's just it - sometimes I think I'm going to lose what little sanity I have because I can't seem to catch up.


Thanks, Michael (or thanks to who wrote the comment) - This is one of those that while I say its good to know I'm not alone, I am saddened that anyone else understands because it means you suffered, too.

Vicki, As I said in my email, I hope you write your feelings...

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Ivory. I think it's responsible of your therapist to communicate with Pink in that way if that's the way she can communicate. This is a sign of trust. And almost certainly healing... good for you! paul

LostShadowChild said...

Yes, I also know this. It happens over and over again that I go into the therapy and have there only 5 minutes. Then, another Alter came forward and speaks with the thera the rest of the time. I don't like it. I don't want it, especially if I don't know what they talk about :(

I'm really impressed, that your thera has learnt sign, to communicate with pink. It means, that she has a serious commitment to you

Ivory said...

Paul, Yes, I think Pink trust Mr.S. She was actually the first to be curious enough to show herself around him.



LostShadowChild,I don't like missing my sessions, either. I feel left out AND I have to still pay for it. LOL

Marj aka Thriver said...

"Like peeking through a keyhole." That's a really descriptive way to explain that feeling that I, too, am definitely familiar with.

I just had a slightly similar experience moments ago online. Apparently, I have at least one part who is a lot more cyber-savvy than I am and can do things and set things up online that I didn't think I knew how to figure out. I've run into this before, and every time I do I still get that really freaky feeling. It really IS like the Twilight Zone.

But, I'm getting more used to it. And I do like the little ones to let me get to know them so that I can kinda mother them and comfort them--what we never got from parents as a child.

Hey, sorry this comment is long but I wanted to say that I really appreciate your offer to host THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE in August. I've penciled you in for that month. As you may know, Paul is going to host for us for this month at the end of next week. Hope you'll be joining us with a post!

Ivory said...

Marj,
Yes, it's much like a keyhole.
I've been to Paul's Carnival and posted already! Thanks for commenting!