Well, at my last session, my T gave me and assignment. He's never done that before.
After the session before that, I emailed him and tried to cancel this appointment. I told him I was on information overload and would skip a week (I could use the money elsewhere, anyway). As he usually does when I try to withdraw, he told me he'd leave my appt time open and I could come in if I changed my mind. He also said that we would do something different so my sessions weren't so hard on me after I left. I usually do change my mind and I went in.
So - he gave me an assignment. I've been feeling pressured about it all week and now that the weekend is here, when I'm to do this... assignment, I am overwhelmed. I can't seem to get with the program. Seriously. What's the assignment, you ask? ... ...
There was a man who joined the army to help the US fight the Viet Nam War. He was captured and spent many years (7 I think) in a POW camp. He suffered greatly but was eventually rescued and reunited with his family. He is a senior citizen now. The tags on his car read: P O W.
In an interview, an interviewer asked why he would want to sensationalize being a Prisoner of War. The man explained that he had suffered for many years and had finally come to terms with all that had happened to him in Viet Nam and he had healed. He said those letters on his plates are his 'hurrah'; his way of saying, in the end, he won; he wins; his HURRAH.
My therapist has encouraged me to write a book about my experiences, my childhood, and about DID. I wrote it. I finished nearly a year ago and it has taken 4 years. I've asked him to help me thru the process of getting it published. He says the book is great. My daughter says it's great. I'm terrified. Mr.S told me the story about the POW a couple of years ago and told me that my book will be my 'hurrah'. He believes a great deal of healing will come from printing all those pages of pain. Maybe so.
My assignment is to choose some publishers and get several packets ready for mailing. I'm frozen. I can't do it. I want it to be my hurrah. I want the last word. I don't want the bad guys to win. I'm scared - of so many things, on so many levels.