Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Hurrah

Well, at my last session, my T gave me and assignment. He's never done that before.

After the session before that, I emailed him and tried to cancel this appointment. I told him I was on information overload and would skip a week (I could use the money elsewhere, anyway). As he usually does when I try to withdraw, he told me he'd leave my appt time open and I could come in if I changed my mind. He also said that we would do something different so my sessions weren't so hard on me after I left. I usually do change my mind and I went in.

So - he gave me an assignment. I've been feeling pressured about it all week and now that the weekend is here, when I'm to do this... assignment, I am overwhelmed. I can't seem to get with the program. Seriously.  What's the assignment, you ask?   ...   ...

There was a man who joined the army to help the US fight the Viet Nam War. He was captured and spent many years (7 I think) in a POW camp. He suffered greatly but was eventually rescued and reunited with his family. He is a senior citizen now. The tags on his car read: P O W.

In an interview, an interviewer asked why he would want to sensationalize being a Prisoner of War. The man explained that he had suffered for many years and had finally come to terms with all that had happened to him in Viet Nam and he had healed. He said those letters on his plates are his 'hurrah'; his way of saying, in the end, he won; he wins; his HURRAH.

My therapist has encouraged me to write a book about my experiences, my childhood, and about DID. I wrote it. I finished nearly a year ago and it has taken 4 years. I've asked him to help me thru the process of getting it published. He says the book is great. My daughter says it's great. I'm terrified. Mr.S told me the story about the POW a couple of years ago and told me that my book will be my 'hurrah'. He believes a great deal of healing will come from printing all those pages of pain. Maybe so.

My assignment is to choose some publishers and get several packets ready for mailing. I'm frozen. I can't do it. I want it to be my hurrah. I want the last word. I don't want the bad guys to win. I'm scared - of so many things, on so many levels.



Grace said...

I think it's wonderful that you wrote a book! Such strength and bravery! Do you want to publish it? No matter if you choose to publish or not - you still win...and the bad guys still lose.
~ Grace

fromthesamesky said...

Wow. I think this is awesome Ivory, that you have your very own 'hurrah'. I can totally understand why you feel afraid, but I totally think you can do this. Love and strength to you, xx

Kate said...

Just one question about this: is this your hurrah, did you pick it out for you or did your therapist? Just checking to see if there is ambivalence here about you and how you want to say hurrah.

This stuff is scary and not at all surprising that you are scared. I would be surprised if you weren't.

I think it is great that you have written it. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...

Thanks, Grace and SameSky! Yes it took a lot of bravery because I had to process things every time I wrote or edited a chapter. It has been very difficult to do.

I don't know who "picked" my hurrah. I've always wanted to write and during the beginning of therapy, I began to write stuff down, mostly because I couldn't remember my sessions past the time it took me to get home. One day after I got home I wrote about the session and took it for T to read the next week. He was impressed. I said I'd like to get it in print as a way of saying, "So, there!" (because the bad guys told me not to "tell"). Mr.S told me the POW story and suggested I put all those pages together in a book. My daughter agreed. So they have been helping me ever since. I'm glad they are, I want to publish it - but, you know, the scaredy cat thing. So I asked them both to help me along and not let me hide the manuscript in a drawer somewhere.

I'm glad you asked this, I hadn't thot about it before.

phoenixascending said...

Oh Ivory you are amazing, you compiled a book of your experiences over the past 4 years! That is incredible, you are my hero :-)

Are you afraid of rejection? It must be hard to separate your experiences/life from some stranger's "constructive" criticism.
I say go for it, but that is only because it is one of my dreams :-)

castorgirl said...

Similarly to Kate's area of questioning, I'd be very aware of who you are writing the book for, and who you want to see it. If your Hurrah is to complete the book, then maybe you will feel that this is enough. If you want to send it out to publishers, then take that next step (remember the other option is to self-publish).

It's brilliant you've completed the book - that in itself is a hurrah...

Take care,

Ivory said...

Yes, I'm afraid of rejection. I've taken all this time to try and write it in a way so other people will understand DID better and how it affects me. Too many people are unaware that their actions can cause life-lasting damage to a child. I don't want people to become complacent and forget.

You need not worry. Everytime I've decided not to write it or print it, Mr.S is okay with that. After all he knows it's not up to him. I know it's all about what I want. I think in the beginning he wanted me to journal as a way of healing but a few years ago, he told me I have a way of bringing the reader into my world, so I asked him if he thot it was good enough to get published. Remember, I'm single, I could use the money and if I can make some money helping myself and hopefully someone else - why wouldn't I do it? You need not worry that I'm being pressured by him. I am honored by your concern and because this has been brought up, I have given it some thot this afternoon and it's not that way at all.

jumpinginpuddles said...

wow you wrote a book how amazing whne do we get to read it?

Ivory said...

JIP, I don't know that I want any of my blogging friends to read it. It is filled with badness and triggers. I wrote it because I want OTHER people to be aware of protecting children, not harming them. But, I have to get up the courage to send it to publishers, first!

Exhale said...

Wow...amazing. I read this a couple days ago and wanted to say something but wasn't sure how to say it.
The journey can be long...I wrote something 20 years ago which I was very happy with and then ten years past and I relized I had only scratched the surface and revamped the whole thing. Once something is published you can't take it back.
I just encourage you do go slow and make sure that this is want everyone inside wants.

Ivory said...

It took me about 4 1/2 years to write it and during that time, I don't know how many times I said, "okay, that's it," only to find a few months later I would redo the whole thing. But that is the hard part - going thru it and over it all again. I have finally completed the last edit, tho. I'm done. Just being allowed to write it, is a huge step for all of THEM; I didn't think I'd be able to. I was afraid I wake up one day and it would all be gone. That is one of the things I've had help from my daughter and my T with - they helped me not 'lose' anything as I made copies of my journals and let them keep them - just in case, but it hasn't been a problem. I think that has actually been a healing journey for all of us as we hit the bumps along the way and learned how to even the playing field. I also believe that I'm hesitant because of what you suggested - that I cannot take it back. I want to be sure that I'm okay with putting my self out there.

Exhale said...

Follow your heart yourself. You will know if this is the right thing to do. Maybe this will be the first one of many...the beginning years. I wish all of you only the best.

Kate said...

Disclosure is scary. It takes a lot of bravery to have done what you have done so far. Writing it proves that you are courageous and brave, even if you don't ever feel it, you are. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one how very exciting. I can only send you support and encouragement. Yes, failure and rejection goes with the territory. Maybe when you see you t. this week, go over your fears and have him help you along with possibly suggesting some publisher, but not put a time limit on submitting your work! I am so very proud of you.

Also, want to thank you for your continuous support and encouragement of me.

Blessings to you dear Ivory!

Ivory said...

Thank you much, JBR!!

Kerro said...

Oh wow, this is fantastic, Ivory. A book - wow! I know this is scary, but I also know you can do it. Think of all the things you've done and got through before - the writing of the book, not to mention the hell from the past.

One thing, to challenge a little... what would you say if this were my blog post? ;)

I agree with others, work through your fears with your therapist.

You rock! :D

Ivory said...

Kerro - you are so clever! If it were your blog post....Mmmmm ... I would tell you to step cautiously thru out this process. Thank you!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ummm yeah.. I want to read it!! Like Now. I am so proud of you for telling us.

I really understand about letting assignments stress you out. My T. has given me assignments from day 1that is 14 years of assignments. I have has this similar experience of freezing time and again. You are doing great.



Ivory said...

Kate, Even tho I want to print - it is very scary. I am thankful for your support in many ways. You're great!

Vicki - I will let you all know if and when it get published. I have been going over publishers today. It's kind of disappointing - some of them take a year to publishing!