Sunday, January 10, 2010

Maybe Next Year

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm tongue-tied already and fretting about it. I can't seem to get past it. I know that once I get there, (hopefully) I will be okay, but the stress will interfere with tomorrows work. Darn.

Yesterday, I wrote a short story about my brother and then, today, my mother called and we went together to get some ice cream and talk. That's too much family stuff, too many memories (good ones) that remind me I've had to give them all up. It causes too much pain, too much sadness.

Mom showed me pictures of most of my family on Christmas Eve. They have all gotten so -- old. It's been 5 Christmases ago that I saw any of them. I called my loyal and stubborn daughter and shared with her the visit with my mother. She became quiet and her voice so soft I could barely here her speak. So, I quickly said, "Well, maybe next year." Meaning maybe next year we could be part of that happy family again.

All she said was, "Maybe," but the pain in her voice broke my heart. I feel so responsible for how she feels. She misses them all so bad but won't have anything to do with them unless they apologize to me. I'm not holding out for an apology, I expect something more. I want them to respect me, my privacy, my boundaries. It will never happen and I know that. I don't know what to do.

.

10 comments:

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ivory,
Your Daughter, her stubborn loyalty. Hang on to that my friend, that is your treasure. Precious and rare.
I am sorry for your pain, I am here with you.
xoxo

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I'm also sorry Ivory. Sending you warm thoughts...

Ivory said...

Vicki,
I do hang on to my daughters loyalty, but I'm not sure when to say it's gone too far. What my family did needs to be addressed, i can't just say, "Oh, well." On the other hand, they will never address it. Who is responsible to end this?



Paul,
Thank you so much for your sincerity.

VICKI IN AZ said...

I-
I think I shall ponder this wonderful question you have posed and write about it. You are a tender heart with so much to give and I know this family thing causes you so much pain. ♥
I want you to know you are my shining example for always responding back. Thank You.

Missing In Sight said...

I know my comment is late. Sorry.

I hear how you want to be treated with honor and respect. You deserve that.

Hope your therapy session went okay. I'm thinking of you.

Kerro said...

Ivory

You deserve to be treated with respect, and love. I'm sorry your family isn't offering either. But your daughter is. I'm glad you treasure it.

Take care
Kerro

Just Be Real said...

(((((Ivory)))))
How did therapy go?
Here listening.

Ivory said...

Vicki,
It humbles me to know you all understand how I feel. And thanks for seeing me as an example - that was the reason behind putting up my blog.




Kerro,
Thanks to you too and ((hugs)) to all of you who are here for me. I appreciate you all so much!




Missing In Sight and JBR,

(Comments are never late and always welcomed) My therapy session was not exactly a disaster but yesterday was awful and I think it was directly linked to my session. I didn't get anything resolved and I froze up several times trying to bring up things. Aaarrrgggg! This is difficult. I talked to my T, tho, last night and he told me we are going to change "something" next week that will make my sessions better for me. I didn't ask what that was. Thank you so much for asking - I have no one to come home to that cares enough to ask or that I would say any of this to. I try not to give my daughter many details so it doesn't strain our relationship so that leaves me w/o a sounding board.

Shen said...

I've been catching up with my favorite blogs... my mind is such a blank today, it's good to fill it with something.
I sure do know how family can add emotional strain to everything. I'm sorry its so hard.

Ivory said...

Shen,

In a warm and fuzzy way, it feels good to know I'm not alone. I just wish I were talking about winning the Lottery! But, really, thanks for the support, I know it is heart felt.