Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 84; he died 4 years ago. He was my hero in so many ways. He was the only one of my family who I felt loved by. He had a hard life in that he grew up on a farm being abused by his father - verbally and physically when his dad wanted to beat someone up. He joined the army when he was 19 (WW II) and spent his whole life proud of it, as am I.
I want so much to be able to talk to him one more time. I've cried all day. Every year at this time I think of the book, Fore One More Day. The protagonist gets to spend one more day with his mother.
When my dad died, my other family members had pretty much rejected me, and I had only my daughter to grieve with. I needed to grieve with the family I grew up with, who all knew him the way I knew him. I needed to grieve with my brothers and sisters, but I was not welcomed to.
Because I have alters, the pain of his absence has been a bit hidden, or removed from causing me such pain, but today on his birthday, we all hurt. A few days ago, as I dug thru a drawer for an address, I found an envelope. I took it out and opened it, knowing I'd not seen it there before. To my horror, it was pictures of my dad's funeral. There were none of him in the casket, thank God, but there were ones of the two "life" boards my family had set up. There was a picture of me on one of the boards, no where else was it evident that I belonged to the family. I no longer care whose picture was on the boards, but just seeing those pictures, when I was not welcome to be out where they were all taken, has destroyed a bit more of what little faith I had in God.
If my life is a test of some kind, it is a sick and twisted test and not at all at the hand of a loving God. My life gives me little to look forward to and even less to hope for, yet, on the darkest of nights, in the worst of times, I pull myself up and survive, I don't know what keeps me going.
Did I mention that my mother insists Dad looked like Tyrone Power? He kinda does. My dad was much more handsome. He had lighter hair, a slightly crooked grin, and intense green eyes.
Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.