Saturday, January 2, 2010

Happy Birthday

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 84; he died 4 years ago. He was my hero in so many ways. He was the only one of my family who I felt loved by. He had a hard life in that he grew up on a farm being abused by his father - verbally and physically when his dad wanted to beat someone up. He joined the army when he was 19 (WW II) and spent his whole life proud of it, as am I.

I want so much to be able to talk to him one more time. I've cried all day. Every year at this time I think of the book, Fore One More Day. The protagonist gets to spend one more day with his mother.

When my dad died, my other family members had pretty much rejected me, and I had only my daughter to grieve with. I needed to grieve with the family I grew up with, who all knew him the way I knew him. I needed to grieve with my brothers and sisters, but I was not welcomed to.

Because I have alters, the pain of his absence has been a bit hidden, or removed from causing me such pain, but today on his birthday, we all hurt. A few days ago, as I dug thru a drawer for an address, I found an envelope. I took it out and opened it, knowing I'd not seen it there before. To my horror, it was pictures of my dad's funeral. There were none of him in the casket, thank God, but there were ones of the two "life" boards my family had set up. There was a picture of me on one of the boards, no where else was it evident that I belonged to the family. I no longer care whose picture was on the boards, but just seeing those pictures, when I was not welcome to be out where they were all taken, has destroyed a bit more of what little faith I had in God.

If my life is a test of some kind, it is a sick and twisted test and not at all at the hand of a loving God. My life gives me little to look forward to and even less to hope for, yet, on the darkest of nights, in the worst of times, I pull myself up and survive, I don't know what keeps me going.

Did I mention that my mother insists Dad looked like Tyrone Power? He kinda does. My dad was much more handsome. He had lighter hair, a slightly crooked grin, and intense green eyes.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.

.

10 comments:

VICKI IN AZ said...

Sending you kindness and gentleness from the deepest part of my heart dear friend. I hear the pain in your heart and wish for you a gentle healing balm.

Michael Finley said...

I am so sorry your father is not with you and so sorry your family are who they are.

Michael

Grace said...

(((IVORY)))) I have read that book too...I can feel through your words how much you miss your dad, and how much he meant to you. I'm glad that you felt loved by your dad~I hope you can still feel his love.
A lot of grieving...a lot of loss. You deserve only kindness and love, and I'm sorry you did not, nor do you still, have that.
(((IVORY)))
~ Grace

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Oh Ivory. I am sorry for what you lost. I know what you mean when you talk about alters. I have had lots of switching lately, and know that young parts do have a really crystallized view of my grandparents (who we all adored). That's one of the blessings of DID (but also can be one of the curses). In this specific case about your Dad, I think, perhaps it's a blessing. Take good care, Paul.

jumpinginpuddles said...

im so sorry for the loss of your dad and the impact upon you

as for australia where about were you thinking of visiting. i live in victoria.

Ivory said...

Vicki - Thanks for the loving support, I welcome it.

Michael - Thanks, I wish it was possible my family could change, but I think they feel safe where they are. Safe from knowledge.

Grace - Yes, so much grieving and so much loss. I just don't know how to cope with it all and it's getting the best of me.

Paul - Dad was my champion, even when he lived in the nursing home. He once told my husband (ex) that if he ever hurt me, he'd make him pay. In a way, I'm glad he was not aware of the fact that my ex did indeed hurt me, badly. I think it would have broken his heart to know that and not be able to help me. I wonder if that is why, all those years ago, I didn't tell him what was happening to me...

JIP - Thanks for the kind word about my dad.

I don't know where I want to go visit in Australia. In college I did a "Visitors Pamphlet" on Australia and fell in love with it. I want to visit every territory! I'll have to dig out my research and start again. I don't have any particular time frame, but I read that some seasons can be hard if you're trying to do some sight seeing.

SapphireDreams said...

I am sorry for your loss. I wish I had half the dad that you had. This is my fathers bday as well. He turned 66.

jumpinginpuddles said...

only in summer

Kate said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you had someone in your family of origin to love and I'm sorry that he is no longer a part of your life. Your family sucks.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Sapphire,
I, too, wish your dad was a good and loving man. Thanks for caring that I have lost mine.

JIP - What are your summer months?

Kate,
Dad was so wonderful - to everyone, and so very strong. I appreciate your kind words.