Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Perfect Strangers

Has anyone out there had the experience of after weekly visits to your therapist, you have a break from it for 2 or 3 weeks and then you can't seem to find a way to feel comfortable in his or her office once you go back?

Three weeks ago, I was sick (stress related), so I canceled my normal appointment. There was a mix up with the appointment I THOUGHT I made for the next week and when I showed up, the place was closed. I panicked, as I usually do, and left a voice message for my T. Nearly 24 hours later, he called back. Usually, he calls within an hour or so. So everything was different than normal -- I don't DO different well.

Even after we got the mix up taken care of and a new appt. set, I was confused, desperate, and confused. I needed to discuss something with T but I did what I needed to do to keep things settled down until I could get to my appointment. Whatever I did, I did it so well that when I got to my appt. a week later (it's now 3 weeks since I had a session), I couldn't talk about anything. In fact, I couldn't remember even why I was there. Oh I remembered I have DID, but I knew there was something very specific I needed to talk about and I felt as if I were in the room with a complete stranger. My throat closed up and I choked the only time I tried to force myself to talk about something personal.

Such a waste of money and what if it happens again? How do I get back to where I need to be?

This reminds me of a Deep Purple song - Perfect Strangers. The lyrics are below...

Watch/listen here

Can you remember remember my name
As I flow through your life
A thousand oceans I have flown
And cold spirits of ice
All my life
I am the echo of your past

I am returning the echo of a point in time
Distant faces shine
A thousand warriors I have known
And laughing as the spirits appear
All your life
Shadows of another day

And if you hear me talking on the wind
You've got to understand
We must remain
Perfect Strangers

I know I must remain inside this silent
well of sorrow

A strand of silver hanging through the sky
Touching more than you see
The voice of ages in your mind
Is aching with the dead of the night
Precious life (your tears are lost in
falling rain)

And if you hear me talking on the wind
You've got to understand
We must remain
Perfect Strangers


Paul from Mind Parts said...

Yes, this happens to me EVERY time. We become very used to the routine and all the safety and trust we place in our therapist. When that is broken by a time lapse, some of us inside don't understand that it's not broken trust, that it's just time. So, simply it's about attachment. The key to this is to plan ahead if possible. But I see that wasn't the case with you. Now that you identified it, you can talk about with him.

Grace said...

Yes, I have. I have felt this. And I am just now getting to a place where I can trust her again....
Hang in there!
~ Grace

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I tried writing notes to take with me, when I couldn't remember what I needed to talk about. I hope that next time you are back in the groove and feeling comfortable.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


fromthesamesky said...

Oh I get that too, although not to the same extent perhaps. But often when there has been a break I struggle to get started, all the old defenses come back and I'm kind of shut down. It's like I have to learn how to relate all over again, or learn who this other person is to me again.

hope said...

If I have therapy on a differnt day, I can't focus. I am a creature of habit and I have had therapy the sametime the same day for nearly a year. If anything isn't the same when I go I totally can't remember what I need to talk about. If I'm late I also my parts won't come out in the session. I really am not sure why this is either. However if I'm running late my therapist calls my cell and we start the session via phone it helps me to maintain my theraputic focus sometimes. It doesn't always work though.

And my therapist is really active in the world of psychology and she is always traveling to talk about DID and trains other therapists to work with DID. She takes a five week vaction in the summer and other breaks throughout the year. I guess you could say I'm attached to her because I always feel like I need to go inpatient during the five week break. But this year I didn't because I have another therapist that I see every two weeks. She's my art therapist but when my regular therapist is away she kinda covers for her and we talk about stuff. It's not the same but it kinda let's parts say what they need to say.

Thanks for posting this because I totally thought I was the only one who had this problem.


Michael Finley said...

For me as I meld/integrate I do not know who anyone is, which makes sense to me. In a real way I am new. It is most pronounced with my therapist.

I tell her I do not know who you are and then I get used to where I am.

We 'disappear" the therapist or "go away" often. Sometimes for weeks. My therapist and I are used to it and sooner or later we find out why that was best.

I often have no idea what happens in therapy. What I know is we must have worked hard as I am so tired.

My therapist and others do work that I do not know about. I am OK with that now. I catch up when that is best.

Often my job is to get us there and home without ending up somewhere we do not know where we are. It is my job to make sure we do not drive if we can not and to make sure we do not walk into traffic. That is always a concern.

Sometimes I think I am stuck and others are working and I am the only one stuck.

For some of us there is no time between sessions no matter how long it has been.

The Beehive said...

I am so glad you wrote about this because this happens ALL THE TIME to me as well. Sometimes it happens in other areas of my life when things are rearranged after I am used to a set schedule.
I have found that if my therapist warns me that we have to skip a session, go for a long time between sessions, or change to a different time/day, then I can usually cope with that better and adjust more easily - even though it is still so difficult.

Ivory said...

Thanks everyone. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.