Sunday, November 1, 2009

Unicorns and Memories

If you have never watched The Last Unicorn, you should. The unicorn believes she is the last. She wonders where all of the other unicorns have gone. They were being held against their will by the Red Bull. They were not allowed to come out of the water, were not allowed to be free. The Red Bull's master, King Haggard, loved them so much, he held them captive. He nearly killed them all. In the end, after the Last Unicorn has returned back to her equine self from being a human, she turns to her friend, The Magician, and says, "I will remember you."  It is impossible for a unicorn to remember life as a human, but she knows she will remember him, he is that special to her.

I am not manic depressive, yet there are times when I experience life much as a "normal" person might - I am happy, I laugh, I look forward to a new day, and I weather adversity with the grace of a prima ballerina. It doesn't last long.

This lucid and happy time is when I'm free from alter interference. I'm not sure if it's because we are all working in tandem or if they are relaxed and unafraid, or unconcerned for my safety in any way. It doesn't matter which, what matters to me is that for a short time, I feel free, so free I could fly. I accomplish many wonderful things during these times and I have fun - real FUN.

For all of the parts of my life that are tucked away, forever hidden within the memory of an alter, the uninhibited fun times are not taken from me. I remember them, even through the dismal fog of depression and fearful panic attacks - I remember. I use these chunks of time to compare and contrast the times when I struggle to find the will to live or fight through the confusion of what day I'm in, or what age I am, or who I am, and I can't help but wonder if there is anyone out there who is like me. I wonder if there is anyone who feels like I do, thinks like I think, and who would like me for who I am, not what I am. I need human touch, human love, and human interaction on a personal level. I never get that anymore. I have work "friends", but no close personal friends. DID has taken all that from me.


I feel like the Last Unicorn.

3 comments:

jumpinginpuddles said...

what an interesting expose of what sounds like an interesting movie

Michael Finley said...

>>I can't help but wonder if there is anyone out there who is like me. I wonder if there is anyone who feels like I do, thinks like I think,

I do not think so. I think that is part of truly being an individual and living as one. Which I think is more rare than being multiple. “It is not she, he or it that I belong to.” Dylan

I to have times that some would call hypomanic. If I could stay there I would. I can not my body can not take it. As I process the trauma I feel that the periods of hypomanic were when I left others away. That caused the crash when they came back. Not their fault.

As a practical matter I need the times when I am doing well. The key for me is to not start stuff that requires that I stay doing well. There is still work to do processing my life, trauma and all.

I do hope the close friends will find you and you them.

Ivory said...

JIP,
The Last Unicorn is actually a cartoon but is filmed so wonderfully that I cry when I watch it - every time.

Michael,

I find that I, too, must make sure I don't start something that will take a long time to finish. It is always a concern. Thanks for we well wishes for friends. I seem to be liked by nearly everybody (my T keeps telling me that), but I just can't let anyone too close. I don't do rejection well...