I drove home a couple of days ago after work and to my surprise [not], I felt like I was about to cry. By the time I'd actually gotten home, the first tears fell and within just a few minutes, I was perfectly fine and I set about packing more boxes in preparation for the big move on Saturday. Much to my disappointment, more tears 30 minutes later, and an hour after that I was driving my car full of packed boxes to my new house. Half way there the tears opened up and I felt the full impact of hopelessness that had been crowding my emotions since leaving work.
I wondered if I would have to pull over because my face was literally covered by water. I haven't experienced tears like that for a long time. I'm sure that's how I would cry if I had a husband and learned he had died. It took longer, but within about 5 minutes, as I was pulling into my new driveway, the tears dried up. Fifteen minutes later, as I prepared to leave for home, the tears began again and instead of going downstairs to turn off the lights, I slid down on the stairs and let the tears flow - and then I called Mr.S.
For years, I've experienced a kind of emotionless tear-fest where tears begin/end, begin/end for no reason. I can usually carry on a conversation, do my work, and go about whatever I want to, I just cry during it. Mr.S said that is an outward symptom of PTSD. This time, tho, I felt the hopelessness of the damned.
Moving is very difficult for me, because I'm alone and because I often hear too many things that go bump in the night, (I'm hyper-vigilant for things that go bump in the night). And also, there are littles who are afraid. So, getting used to a new place is scary. This time of year, is not a good time for me to move. At Thanksgiving, when I was 17 years old, I'd been raped and was 8 months pregnant. My family had all but rejected me. So on top of several Littles insecurities, I have a stubborn, rebellious 17 year old who believes there is no safe place.
This is going to be very difficult. I hope I don't crash and burn. I keep thinking, "What have I done?" and "What am I doing?" I keep thinking of Kate and how afraid she must feel. I hope you're home and feel safe again, Kate.