Friday, November 20, 2009

Moving On

I drove home a couple of days ago after work and to my surprise [not], I felt like I was about to cry. By the time I'd actually gotten home, the first tears fell and within just a few minutes, I was perfectly fine and I set about packing more boxes in preparation for the big move on Saturday.  Much to my disappointment, more tears 30 minutes later, and an hour after that I was driving my car full of packed boxes to my new house. Half way there the tears opened up and I felt the full impact of hopelessness that had been crowding my emotions since leaving work.

I wondered if I would have to pull over because my face was literally covered by water. I haven't experienced tears like that for a long time. I'm sure that's how I would cry if I had a husband and learned he had died. It took longer, but within about 5 minutes, as I was pulling into my new driveway, the tears dried up. Fifteen minutes later, as I prepared to leave for home, the tears began again and instead of going downstairs to turn off the lights, I slid down on the stairs and let the tears flow - and then I called Mr.S.

For years, I've experienced a kind of emotionless tear-fest where tears begin/end, begin/end for no reason. I can usually carry on a conversation, do my work, and go about whatever I want to, I just cry during it. Mr.S said that is an outward symptom of PTSD. This time, tho, I felt the hopelessness of the damned.

Moving is very difficult for me, because I'm alone and because I often hear too many things that go bump in the night, (I'm hyper-vigilant for things that go bump in the night). And also, there are littles who are afraid. So, getting used to a new place is scary. This time of year, is not a good time for me to move. At Thanksgiving, when I was 17 years old, I'd been raped and was 8 months pregnant. My family had all but rejected me. So on top of several Littles insecurities, I have a stubborn, rebellious 17 year old who believes there is no safe place.

This is going to be very difficult. I hope I don't crash and burn. I keep thinking, "What have I done?" and "What am I doing?" I keep thinking of Kate and how afraid she must feel. I hope you're home and feel safe again, Kate.



castorgirl said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down and parts of you are feeling unsafe. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and wishing you all the best with the move.

Take care,

Kerro said...

I'm also really sorry you're feeling down and unsafe. Moving is stressful - even without your history.

I am also hypervigilant for things that go bump in the night. I can't tell you how many times, or how many years, I obsessively checked windows and doors or slept with knives or scissors or other things to keep me safe. I'm much better now that I've moved into a new home. A place that feels safe, where even bumps in the night don't stress me as much. It's even the first house I've lived in where I can sleep with the bedroom door closed and not worry about what's on the other side.

I hope your new home can bring some of this safety and peacefulness to you.

Take care ((Ivory))


Kate said...

Hello Ivory,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. But from what you wrote, it makes sense that this would be so difficult for all of yous.

I had a safe trip and on the bus was not scared or anxious. The drivers were mostly wonderful and very great drivers as well. Lots of the passengers were great people and I talked to a number of them along the way. Some will stand out in the mind for a very long time.

All my stuff is still in storage so I won't feel moved in until that is accomplished. I went from an unsafe place to a safe place and I am happy for that. I hope all the best for yous as you complete this move and settle in. Yous are in our heart and we think of yous every single day.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi Ivory,
I am thinking of you and sending you hugs. I am so grateful that you can recognize all of the parts of you who need to be nurtured at a time of moving. Please take extra care to do the things which bring you peace and joy. My heart goes out to you. xoxo Vicki

Just Be Real said...

Here sitting with you dear one....

Ivory said...

Castorgirl, Kerro, Kate, Vicki, and JBR: Thanks ladies for being here. I just got my internet back and now I don't feel so isolated but it was so nice to log on and see that you were here for me...

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Oh Ivory. Your telling about the emotionless tears brings back some vague memories. Mostly now I don't cry at all ever. Probably I should.

I am pulling for you with the new house. I can remember our new house in 2002, and that did take a lot of getting used to. Heck I remember my new car this summer was hard. Anything new is hard for us probably because we are so aware of changes in our environment. This is the hypervigilance you write about. The good news is that if we can tolerate the distress and actively do things to make our new places more grounding, like putting up your favorite pictures, etc., then this helps a lot!

Kerro said...

Ivory, dear, we are always here for you. :)

Ivory said...

Change was not so difficult as this when I was married and not alone. Now, I find even mundane things are hard to deal with sometimes. I'm glad you understand the emotionless tear, but sorry that you have experienced them.

I can't always stop them so there have been times that people who don't know about my DID, see them and they always freak out. I can't tell them that emotionless tears are just the tip of the iceburg!