Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Life Repeating

As I answered a comment from Grace awhile back, it dawned on me that there is a similarity between what I've been experiencing lately and what people with low self esteem and survivors of neglect/abuse go thru. A person will often share too much personal information with someone the first time they are together.

My point is, I have trusted Mr.S with every thing about me and now I feel like old sneakers because my problems are coming back around to be rehashed for the 2nd time, or the nth time. Can it be that he will become bored out of his mind with my problems, now that he knows everything? I've shared nearly every aspect of my life with him. There are things he knows about me that I don't know (alters sharing).


I can feel myself slipping into that place where I share nothing, say nothing, do nothing. I don't want to be in his office. I want to keep pretending I'm normal and I want to keep my way of life that is fake in all its glory, but still more fun than therapy. What's so bad about that? For me, I guess that is becoming normal: faking my way thru each day.


All these uneasy feelings have surfaced because I'm buying a house. Nearly lost the deal yesterday because of an appraisal glitch, but after my Realtor did more negotiating, I'm still going to closing. What's the problem? I'm wondering if all of me, all of my Colors, are aware we are moving. I'm afraid I'll wake up some morning and she won't know where she is and she will freak out. Won't be the first time. I'm scared. But like Mr.S says, "Well, you can choose to live in fear..."

13 comments:

Paul from Mind Parts said...

First, congratulations again on the house and good luck. It's always a stressful time. Most of us only do this one or twice in our lifetimes. So, this is a big deal.

I hear you on the rehashing stuff with the therapist. I think a lot of that is the denial you are putting yourself in because you need to be so functional for the "life" stuff (i.e., house). I say that only because I tend to have similar feelings towards therapist and therapy when big things are going on in my life. I think we disconnected more from inside and that's what the process is about.

The good news is that it will change. You will not be in this place forever. And you will, hopefully, find a way to reconnect in your therapy. The other good thing about "rehashing" is that you can see that even though you are talking about something for the n-th time, the experience quite possibly changes and you learn as you move forward.

Saving Grace said...

(((IVORY)))
I sure can resonate with the not wanting to go back to the therapist's office.
And the moving thing - too...that's hard stuff!
For the record, I don't think Mr S will ever be "bored" with you!!!!
And I do get the pretending thing...it's hard to be real, fear & shame are always popping into my head...
((((HUGS))))
~ Gracie

Michael Finley said...

I can relate to the going over everything over and over. I call it my life flashing in front of me a the speed of a slow snail in small pieces and each time the film gets more complete.

Would be helpful if there was only one screen.

Ivory said...

Oh, Paul, how can I make things better before they get so bad. I can feel me going down. I had a session yesterday, the first time in a long time I stayed only an hour and twice, Mr.S mentioned "unless I'm missing something, you seem to be coping pretty well." There it was - the help I needed and I said I was fine. And I was, sort of, but I at least told him I was worried about the things I mentioned in my post. I just made it sound smaller than it was. OOOOooo, this is so frustrating!

Ivory said...

Gracie,

I'm so glad you understand. Just like Mr.S says I can choose to be afraid, it's obvious he doesn't understand. I don't choose it, it chooses me. They choose to be afraid and we all are ashamed all of the time; it hangs in the air like smoke around a fire. Thanks for the hugs!

Ivory said...

Michael,

I hate going over things so many times, I begin to feel as if I'm complaining, or whining, or something. I can't help it, tho, stuff just keeps creeping up, I can't seem to put some things behind me. Coping with them should fix something but all too often, it doesn't fix it. Moving to another house will make everything worse for at least a few months.

Just Be Real said...

((((Ivory)))) At times I feel this also.

But, my t. is so very patient and understanding and walks right beside me wherever I am at, and that is if I constantly repeat myself or share stuff over and over again, session after session.

Blessings dear one.

Ivory said...

I'm glad that you feel so secure with Christ. I have not yet made that decision. I'm still searching for my God, I'm not sure anymore there is one. Forever searching...

castorgirl said...

I read an interesting article about something very similar to what you are experiencing Ivory. It's called A failure of curiosity by Janet Migdow, it talks about how a treating clinician must engage actively in the therapeutic environment. She tells how she realised that she was becoming bored with a client who was actively deflecting deeper investigation into the healing process. The dissociative deflecting became lulling and easy to flow with. It was only when the clinician realised that she'd lost her curiousity and probing that she got the therapy back on track.

I'm not trying to say that Mr S is bored with you, or that you are deflecting. But rather, clinicians actively seek ways to avoid being bored. They look for those new ways in which the event can be analysed and considered. Pouring out your story doesn't equate to healing. Healing comes from looking at that story from different angles.

Mr. S won't be bored... You're not boring and neither is your past.

You're going through some major changes, so this will effect the way in which you respond to everything - possibly more cut-off and protective of yourself.

Sending you positive thoughts,
CG

Ivory said...

Castorgirl,

Thanks so much for the new information! I am going to try to find the book. What you write made me realize that maybe the problem is really a combination of what you wrote as well as the issues in my life right now. Yes, that may be it, but I'm definitely going to get the book, I want to learn more about "deflecting deeper investigation into the healing process." BTW, have you posted about this on your blog? It could help others who are experiencing therapy issues.

Precious Gems said...

I have just written a blog you might find interesting. Take a peek!http://www.2blessed2bcursed.com/

Exhale said...

Congratulations on buying a home. Sometimes in and outside of therapy we can feel like we are going over the same stuff but in reality the system as a whole is processing still. We are like an onion with many layers…

Ivory said...

Precious Gems,
Nice blog. As you know, I'm not sure there is a God, or at least not a God for me. I often say, "I'm still searching." Thanks for visiting, I hope you'll come back.

Exhale,
Thank you on the house. Yest there are many layers, I'm sometimes not sure which layer I'm working in. Sounds funny but that's exactly how it feels.