Friday, October 30, 2009

Thinnest Most Outer Shell of Me

It has taken me years to understand that no matter what happened to me, "they" never touched the part of me that is the whole of me, the best of me, the wonderful, worthy part of me. They only touched the thinnest most outer shell of me, and that part is also touched by my daughter, so that part is touched with love as well hateful intent.

That part of me they couldn't touch, is also touched by my daughter i.e. with love. I'm beginning to realize that I have focused way too often, and way too much on how the events of a ritual touched me and not how my daughter has touched me. Anyway, right now, that is how I feel, so right now, that is what I want to focus on. So, with my daughter in mind, I will give some little vignettes until other inspiration strikes me!

During a family holiday, my teen-aged daughter sat across the large living room at my mother's house. She was engaged in a serious conversation with her cousins and my younger brother. I was listening to a conversation closer to me after having picked it from the several going on around the room, as there are about 55 people in my large family.

As I listened to my side of the conversation, I overheard another close to me because my niece was talking about my daughter. (nothing bad, just discussing something she had done in school). When out of the blue I heard my niece say, "Well ask Kaylie, she's adopted."

Everyone looked up. The room fell silent. I turned my head, wide-eyed, to look at Kaylie, she at me. At the same time we both realized that, yes, she is indeed adopted! We began to laugh, as did everyone else because we realized we had forgotten she was adopted.




VICKI IN AZ said...

I can't even begin to express to you the hope and light I hear in this post. You have struggled so hard and been so honest and real about your struggle. I feel delighted that you are finding some light and feeling some hope in your life. I was reminded of this quote today and I find it fitting of you my friend. xoxo

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Albert Camus

Just Be Real said...

Wow, priceless indeed Ivory. What a story. Thank you. Blessings dear one.....

Michael Finley said...

I often lose sight that on some level I was keeping myself away from them.

I heard it best described by a combat veteran. He said you go just like everyone else. Deep down there is a "I will go but it is not really me."

I seem to relate to combat veterans and not to anyone in the military that never saw combat. What is weird is this was true before the trauma came into my consciousness.

Ivory said...


Oh (wipes tears) I love the quote because there is an invincible summer within me. (sniffles) Thank you.

Ivory said...

Thank you, too, JBR (sniffles more). I feel like this only for a short time, usually. It's how I know what I'm missing, or how I know I've lost something. Ohhh, I feel the inspiration of another post... (smiles)

Ivory said...


From what my 11 year old has revealed, she "went" in my place. There was a time she felt I had deserted her when she admits she "pushed" me away. So, yes, it wasn't me who experienced anything. I was safe, that special part of the whole, was safe.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Ivory, This is a really wonderful story! So uplifting. I can sometimes keep that perspective that what happened didn't touch the core. But I very often lose sight of that. Thanks for reminding me! Paul

Ivory said...

Your most welcome, Paul! For survival, I sometimes have to "stop the train" and make myself think outside the box. I think we all too often forget there are people out there who really care and I know that I sometimes make Kaylie feel insignificant compared to what happened to me. In reality, she has, and always will have, the greatest impact on my life. I never want to forget that and I never what her to forget that.

Saving Grace said...

...she won't forget that, Ivory. She won't.