Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Don't Want Them To...

I'm beginning to agonize over the fact that I'm not going to tell my family I'm moving. Actually, I'm moving to the same town they live in; I don't want them to come by. The emotion I'm feeling is not because I feel I should tell them, I know I don't have to tell them. I't because when my mother finds out my daughter had a reception and didn't invite her AND I'm moving, she will call.

My mother isn't hateful by yelling or being threatening. She has a quiet intensity and she will turn on the "woe is me", I'm not going to live long and this is how you two treat me. She's just old. She will try to make me take responsibility for my daughter not inviting her to the reception and she will be mad because I didn't ask for "help" in moving. (just something to be mad about.) They haven't helped me the last 3 times I've moved and I asked for their help, then. During that span of moving, my brother moved twice and they held a moving party for him both times.

I don't want them to help me move. I don't want them touching my things. I don't want them seeing my things. I don't want them coming back into my life, making it hell.

I think I've finally learned that my life is better when they are not so IN it. I think that's sad, really really, sad because I miss them all so much.


Michael Finley said...

I to miss my family. I needed to get away for perspective.

They are not becoming more of my life than the last few years.

The old habits that they have are still there. They are not going away.

It was my B-day yesterday. My mother called and asked if I wanted to have a home cooked meal or go out. Not what I wanted to do. That is OK as now I would be OK with telling her I am not doing anything. No lies as in I am to busy. Just plain I do not want to. I did that with Christmas last year.

And in what is amazing to me and I am not sure I am OK with it is that I considered just not calling back.

I ended up going and it was fun. I think because I did not have to be there and knew it.

LostShadowChild said...

Are you sure, you miss them or comes this feeling from a little one in your system?
As you describe, you don't want them help, touching and seeing things and I really understand this.
Often there are some little's without memories of abuse in a system and these littles love the "parents" and miss them. Therefore my question. It's a pity that so many of us, never had a caring, protective family. Perhaps this is the reason, why there is sadness?? Only a thought...

Ivory said...


I'm glad you are able to achieve that - it's not easy.

I'm learning it's okay to not go when they call, or in my case, it's okay to get up and leave. I actually haven't been around any of them except my mother for 4 years. We used to get together for everything.

My family has a strong hold on my emotions. They are very enmeshed, that is somewhat cultish in the amount of control they each have over each other and me - who they have used as their mutual target for many years. They want their target back. The bottom line is, if I can learn how not to run, they can't chase me. It's hard.

Ivory said...


It's sad that a family is so toxic they cannot love each other in a healthy way. It's sad that I can't be with them, yet I miss them, I miss what I used to think my family is. It's very difficult to admit I love my family, yet I can't have them in my life because they don't feel the same.

And, yes, all my littles long for a mother's hug, validation, attention - all the things a child deserves to have. I don't remember my mother ever hugging me. I don't remember my mother ever touching me, except to yank my arm or smack me in the head. Otherwise, she was not a physical abuser, she just ignored me.

petrogenic said...

Hello :)

This is something I've struggled with too. But what I concluded is that I don't miss my FOO, I just miss what I wish they had been and what I always hoped/believed naively they would become one day- somewhere inside they are the perfect, supportive loving family but its not true, its a lie I have to give up and grieve for what I never had.

I hope you find some peace and resolution. Is there anyone inside who can provide some kind of mothering influence? I think this is one of the things that has saved me.

All good things being wished in your direction.


jumpinginpuddles said...

a\nd you ahve every right to feel this way

Ivory said...


Thanks for the encouragement. I had just read your post on your FOO and I was so touched to write about my own. While I'm so glad I have blogging friends, I'm so sad that we all share the most painful things...

Ivory said...


Thank you. You said it all in so few words. I guess I do have a right to feel this way. I'm not used to "rights" as they would be beneficial. It's still such a new concept that I forget sometimes.

Michael Finley said...

It is hard being the family scapegoat. In a way the family needed me to be a scapegoat so I continued to do it.

In a real way it transferred to the rest of the world. People were wanting someone to blame and take on the responsibilities they could not deal with and I was there.

I am noticing now that I take on responsibility that is not mine and that leaves no time for me.

It is not helpful that I am the strongest in my family and it is not atypical that I am the strongest in the world in which I live.

Using my strengths for me does not come easy.

Just Be Real said...

Ivory, I am 100 percent behind you dear one on this. Yes, you have been crushed so many times in the past. Even though you would wish that your mother would share in your life, the painful truth is that she refuses to. You are a brave and courageous woman dear one!

I am just in the early stages of realizing what my family life was like.

Thanks Ivory for sharing such a powerful post!

Hugs dear....

Ivory said...


Scapegoat is right! I don't know if that's why my family wants me back, but I suspect it is.

I am strong, too, if it is not about what happened to me. If it's about standing up for myself to a department store manager, I'm the one to do it. If it's about standing up for myself to my family, or to the people who harmed me, I can't do it. I'm working on it, tho.

Ivory said...


Thank you for the "bravery" title. I don't often feel brave, I feel beat up. I get to feeling that I am to a place where I'm just treading water - I can't swim, but I won't sink.

I feel for you, just learning about your family. That was one of the most difficult parts of my therapy. It is heart wrenching and mine goes out to you.

Grace said...

Ivory, It's hard because some families are just toxic. My PDOC gave me this book to read called, 'Toxic Parents' - I really found some fitting information in the book if you're interested in reading...

Also, thank you for your last comment on my blog. I must have something set wrong on the 'feed' part of the blog but I cannot seem to figure out what that is...can you help? You are not the first to say that my blog is not showing up for them so the know when I post...

It's probably somthing sinple but I don't know what it is :-(

I hope you are having an ok day today...

Ivory said...


Go to Dashboard, or Edit Posts. You will see Options in Dashboard and Tabs in Edit Posts. Click on the one that says: Settings.

Then click on Site Feed. The very first option in mine says: Allow Blog Feeds. Choose Short, or Full (mine says full).

Also, if you have chosen anywhere for your blog to be private, there will be no Feeds allowed. So that would need to be changed, too.

Good luck! I will let you know when you begin showing up in my site feed!

VICKI IN AZ said...

This is so brave. This is Reason to Celebrate. You deserve every ounce of taking care of you that you can manage.
I told my husband it was time to move, and not tell them where I went. ;)


Ivory said...

Thanks Vicki!

I'm glad you like my new do!

I've come to realize that just because someone is family, that doesn't give them the right to hurt us. Being family doesn't carry with it a title giving the family member the right to be so toxic I can't breathe. In fact, I think being family means just the opposite. Family should be the group of people (places) we go for safety, acceptance, and encouragement. Too bad for so many of us that it's not.